Father-figure issues? I really need some help.

[Calypso]

I have a problem that seems to be controlling my life lately. It's incredibly humiliating and embarrassing, yet some people think it's funny - I hope coming here isn't a mistake.

I'm sixteen years old, female, and I'm very unhappy. Yeah, yeah, I know adolescence sucks and so do hormones, but I don't think that's what is causing my problem.

I feel like I need a father everyday. I think about it nearly all the time. Now, I have a biological father - he's in my life, sort of, but I don't really see him as a father, he's just... there. He's not really a part of my life.

I seem to want someone else to be my father. The main issue about this is that my father-issues seemed to have melded in with my sexuality, so I associate what I want in my father with sexual things. Yes, I know it's wrong, but it's what I feel.

This isn't the only issue. The other issue is that I sort of, uh... want to be a little girl. Even weirder, I know. I suppose this is because I was very unhappy and ignored when I was 9-12, and those are the ages I fantasize being about all the time.

Basically, I feel like I want to be a little girl again and have a father. I know this is very strange, but it almost seems normal to me. I really cannot imagine myself not having these thoughts, because they're such a big part of me, but...

They're making me very unhappy. I don't know how to deal with them. I cry nonstop all of the time because I just want to be a little girl and have my father hold me. I don't know if I want to get rid of these things, I just need some help learning how to live with them. I feel like a freak, because I don't know anyone else with similar problems to me.

I'm a very shy person, and over the years as I've discovered these two things, I've been getting more and more reclusive. I have anxiety problems when it comes to socializing with anyone, and right now even going outside seems to be an issue. I find most of the time of the day I spend fantasizing about what I wish my life could be.

As stupid as it sounds, I almost wish I had some traumatic thing to blame this all on, but I've got nothing. I wasn't abused in anyway as a child by anyone. My parents fought a lot when I was younger, but there was never any physical violence. I was not molested, attacked, or have had anything horrible happen to me in my life. Every time I build up the courage to tell someone about this, they seem to automatically assume that there's something very wrong with me and that I must have had something horrible happen to me.

In a way, I understand why I have these feelings. My childhood started to get very unhappy when I was nine, and never got any better. Perhaps my mind feels that I need to relive that lost childhood somehow? My father issues could be caused because my father is rude, mean, a liar, and was never there for me. I just... don't know what to do with them. I don't really know what sort of help I want, I just know I need some sort of assistance. : / Even if someone came by and told me that I'm not going to be screwed over for life because of this would make me happy, at this point. Everything just seems so hopeless.

Thank you for reading.

[paula]

Hi Calypso

Basically, I feel like I want to be a little girl again and have a father. I know this is very strange, but it almost seems normal to me. I really cannot imagine myself not having these thoughts, because they're such a big part of me, but...

To me, it sounds like all you want is to be 'loved'? Not just by anyone, but by someone who is very close to you and someone you know that you will not get ridiculed for, like a father figure! My judgement may be wrong, but these are my thoughts!

Basically, I feel like I want to be a little girl again and have a father. I know this is very strange, but it almost seems normal to me. I really cannot imagine myself not having these thoughts, because they're such a big part of me, but...

They're making me very unhappy. I don't know how to deal with them. I cry nonstop all of the time because I just want to be a little girl and have my father hold me. I don't know if I want to get rid of these things, I just need some help learning how to live with them. I feel like a freak, because I don't know anyone else with similar problems to me.

This isn't strange to want to be a little girl again! The best years of your life are when you are little. You don't need any help at all with living with these feelings because they are normal. You feel like you've lost out in a BIG way, because from the age of Nine, is probably when you were going through adolescence. It is normal to want to feel/be loved. You are growing up.

In a way, I understand why I have these feelings. My childhood started to get very unhappy when I was nine, and never got any better. Perhaps my mind feels that I need to relive that lost childhood somehow? My father issues could be caused because my father is rude, mean, a liar, and was never there for me. I just... don't know what to do with them. I don't really know what sort of help I want, I just know I need some sort of assistance. : / Even if someone came by and told me that I'm not going to be screwed over for life because of this would make me happy, at this point. Everything just seems so hopeless.

Have you spoken to your mother about this? Maybe she could try and fill a part of that gap in your feelings to try and make up for a father figure. I know this isn't what you want, but a bit of security might ease the pain that you are feeling with this loss? You must be very insecure with your self to feel like this!

I'm sorry that I couldn't be of any help, but we are all here for you, if/when you just want a chat!

[finding my way]

Hi Calypso! I agree with Paula in that the desire you are so frustrated by is a very human, understandable need. I don't find it strange at all. The situation you are in, however, seems very "locked in." You will need to be patient and extend yourself a bit to make friends and develop yourself socially. That in itself may ease some of the inner pressure you are feeling. Along the way, you will hopefully encounter some positive father figures in life, in books, movies, at school, to also ease some of that pain. I could be wrong, but the feelings about this might be especially painful right now because you are feeling so isolated from anyone you can relate to. Even though they may not fit the image of what you need right now, is there anyone positive you can relate to right now?

[Calypso]

To me, it sounds like all you want is to be 'loved'? Not just by anyone, but by someone who is very close to you and someone you know that you will not get ridiculed for, like a father figure! My judgement may be wrong, but these are my thoughts!

Well, of course I want to be loved. You're right that I want that person to be very close with me, basically a father. I think the main problem is that my ideas for a partner are blended in with what I want in a father. For example, I cannot see myself ever having a boyfriend/husband without thinking of them as my father... which makes things very difficult. : /

Have you spoken to your mother about this? Maybe she could try and fill a part of that gap in your feelings to try and make up for a father figure. I know this isn't what you want, but a bit of security might ease the pain that you are feeling with this loss? You must be very insecure with your self to feel like this!

I'm sorry that I couldn't be of any help, but we are all here for you, if/when you just want a chat!

I have spoken to my mother about it, sort of. I've told her that I want a father, but I want someone else to be my father - not my 'real' father. My mother and I are pretty close, but I don't think she can fill the void, unfortunately. I know it's very 'teenage girl-like' to want a boyfriend, but since I'm in a strange situation I want both a father and a boyfriend - in one. I've told my mother about the father thing, but never the little girl thing - I find that the most embarrassing. : /

I think you were a great help, thank you! It helps to talk to people about this thing without having to speak face to face.

Hi Calypso! I agree with Paula in that the desire you are so frustrated by is a very human, understandable need. I don't find it strange at all. The situation you are in, however, seems very "locked in." You will need to be patient and extend yourself a bit to make friends and develop yourself socially. That in itself may ease some of the inner pressure you are feeling. Along the way, you will hopefully encounter some positive father figures in life, in books, movies, at school, to also ease some of that pain. I could be wrong, but the feelings about this might be especially painful right now because you are feeling so isolated from anyone you can relate to. Even though they may not fit the image of what you need right now, is there anyone positive you can relate to right now?

Yes, I do think you're very right in that I need to socialize more. I don't think having friends or socializing will magically cure these two problems, but it would help with depression. While father figures are good to have, I... I just can't distinguish the line between a father figure and sexuality. If I had a father figure, I would think of him in a sexual way. This is what makes things difficult.

I do have one person I can relate to, I suppose. He's a very good friend of mine (online, though), and he is basically the only person I talk to. Some people may frown down upon it, but he and I write stories together - I'll play the little girl, and he'd play the father/father-figure. The stories are barely sexual at all, but they do help me let that side of me out. But, other than him, I don't really have anything.

Thank you two for your help. I hope I can get some other opinions, or just other people come here to maybe ask me more about these feelings. Like I said earlier, just being able to talk anonymously about this really helps.

[finding my way]

Well since this is an anonymous site, and I hope this doesn't bother you to ask, is it possible that your father abused you sexually? Sometimes these things are blocked from memory.

[Calypso]

Well since this is an anonymous site, and I hope this doesn't bother you to ask, is it possible that your father abused you sexually? Sometimes these things are blocked from memory.

No, I'm quite sure that he didn't. My father wasn't physically abusive at all, he was barely around. That was the main issue - he would disappear for months at a time, and was never emotionally attached to me.

Another thing is that my older sister has a lot of psychological problems, and she had most of the attention when I was certain ages. Like I said before, once I was nine things got to turn ugly since my sister was anorexic, and had many mental problems. She was in the hospital all the time, and my mother was with her a lot - my father never came to see me, and both of them were too busy to do anything.

My sister is doing better now, she's found a medication that works for her, but I still find like my father always liked her more than me, even if that sounds very immature.

But, yeah, he never abused me, he was just never around when I needed him - he was too busy meeting new women to start new lives with. : /

[finding my way]

Is talk therapy a possibility for you? You could work with a father-figure type therapist and have the chance to work these issues out in a safe environment.

[Calypso]

Is talk therapy a possibility for you? You could work with a father-figure type therapist and have the chance to work these issues out in a safe environment.

I already have a therapist; but I find that talking to him about these two issues is incredibly difficult and uncomfortable, and no good comes out of it, unfortunately. : /

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Calypso,

and welcome to our site. I see that you are being warmly accepted by the other members and that is great.

You keep repeating that you sound "dumb" and all of that, when you talk about wanting to be a little girl. Not at all. We all wish we could go back to being little kids again, but, in the right way, this time around. The trouble is that we cannot change the past or relive it.

However, what we can do is start to experience good things now. For example, is there a male teacher at schoo who you look up to? Now, if there is you cannot have sex with him and you know that. But, he can become a father type figure for you.

Also, maybe you will choose a career where you can help other kids with problems like yours: social worker, teacher, psychologist, etc.

Did you say your brother is on medication? For what and what kind?

Can you get psychotherapy for yourself if you wanted it?

How are you doing at school and what do you want for yourself in the future?

Allan

[Calypso]

You keep repeating that you sound "dumb" and all of that, when you talk about wanting to be a little girl. Not at all. We all wish we could go back to being little kids again, but, in the right way, this time around. The trouble is that we cannot change the past or relive it.

I guess the difference is that I want to regress to that time physically, and mostly mentally - but I obviously associate being a little girl to sexuality, so it's not quite the same thing, unfortunately.

However, what we can do is start to experience good things now. For example, is there a male teacher at schoo who you look up to? Now, if there is you cannot have sex with him and you know that. But, he can become a father type figure for you.

Also, maybe you will choose a career where you can help other kids with problems like yours: social worker, teacher, psychologist, etc.

I don't have a male teacher who I see that way, and unfortunately everyone I see as a father figure or someone who I think could be a father figure, I think of them sexually, too. As much as I wish I could just 'stop that', it's not possible for me, it's just the way I'm programmed now.

Ironically, I really dislike children, and I don't think I'd be able to deal with other people's problems. Perhaps that's because I feel like I'm going through a hard time right now, but yeah.

Did you say your brother is on medication? For what and what kind?

Can you get psychotherapy for yourself if you wanted it?

How are you doing at school and what do you want for yourself in the future?

Allan

My sister is on medication. She suffers with depression and used to have an eating disorder, but now she seems to be pretty stable. I'm not sure what the medication is, but she is on an antidepressant and anti-anxiety medications.

I'm not entirely sure what psychotherapy is, to be honest, but I could get it if I really wanted to... I'm not sure if I'd be entirely comfortable with it, though.

I'm doing fine at school, but I'm not interested in much of anything, and I hate school immensely. Right now I cannot imagine myself doing any job in the future, nothing seems to fit.

Anyway, thanks. Sorry for the slow response.

[finding my way]

Hey Calypso, what about your own depression you're going through right now? Sometimes obsessions can be little life rafts we hang onto during depressing times when we don't feel connected to anything else. Are you open to finding a few more life rafts to help you out? Ones that could get you to dry land so you could get your feet on the ground? That's what seeing a therapist did for me.

Let us know how you are doing.