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Looking for reasons...


siouxdax
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I hope I've posted this in the right area...

I don't know where to start, really. I live every day with clinical depression, borderline personality disorder, social anxiety disorder, Addison's disease and type 2 diabetes.

Each day is more and more difficult to live through than the last. Due to many reasons, which are too lengthy to go into now, my pool of friends has dwindled down to two or three people; and only one of them do I talk to on a daily basis. Thoughts of suicide cross my mind many times per day. Luckily, I have not attempted suicide yet.

I am under the care of a psychiatrist and psychologist, as well as primary care physician, all whom I see regularly. I've been on disability since 2001. In 2002 things got much worse as my mother, who was more than a mother, really a dear friend, passed away in August of that year. Since then I have lived alone, which may seem counter-effective, but I prefer to live alone. At my psychologist's suggestion I have looked into volunteering at the local equality center, which could get me in touch with potential new friends, or even a mate. I have yet to volunteer; why, I don't quite know, other than my social anxiety disorder. Possibly one reason is that being disabled (mentally or physically) in the gay world is very difficult, especially here in Tulsa. I should note that the gay thing is not an issue to me or anyone else; I've been out for nearly twenty years.

I feel I should also say that recently I've hit a new low in my life, having found out that due to many, many years of neglect that I need partial or even full dentures. I'm only 32. I'm scared to death, and horribly embarrassed about this. What am I looking for in posting this? I honestly don't know. I just know that I need help. I say to myself (and my psychologist) that I want to die, badly. But there is something in the back of my brain that won't let that happen. At this very moment, as I type this, I really do want to die. I'm ready to be nothing. I guess I

should thank God for that "something in the back of my brain". I just don't know what to do...

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