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Here Goes


jackbolin
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I thought I'd write an introductory post. I'm a 47 y/o man living in USA, South Carolina. I'm divorced. I have a very thin, uncut 4 inch erect penis. When flaccid, it's only an inch or so. I also have tiny testicles. I have the package of a 10 year old, and yes...it has messed my life up. I also have social anxiety disorder, at least that's what I was diagnosed with...I've often wondered if it's not borderline personality disorder, I'm not sure. My divorce was 4 years ago, and I've had no physical contact with anyone since then. I've become a hermit. I go to my shitty job and I come home. The only person I have any regular contact with is my mother. In fact, after my divorce, I lived with my mother for 3 years. I had nowhere else to go. I finally saved up enough to rent a house a few months ago. I am mostly a straight man, but I have had some bisexual encounters in my past. I'm not at all attracted to men, but since my marriage was essentially sexless, I felt as if I wanted to be sexually useful to someone. And hey, there's always craigslist, right? Always a guy looking for a blowjob. I should add that I sometimes like to wear women's panties and would wear them when I had these encounters. They were anonymous encounters and not very fulfilling. I've came close to hooking up with other guys in the last few months but i always back out. My Christian faith makes me feel guilty about these encounters. My marriage was a bad one from the beginning. She was 9 years younger than me. I never dated at all until my early 30's 'cause of my small dick and my social anxiety. She and I met online and had some things in common. We were on opposite sides of the country but she moved here to SC to be with me. She didn't seem to mind I had a small dick but mainly because she wasn't all that interested in sex. She was asexual pretty much. She had some mental issues and tried suicide twice. I felt as if she was trying to kill herself because she had married such a loser. She denied that, but I naturally think everything's my fault. Things just never improved and she wanted to move back to where she came from. She said she wanted me to come with her, but I didn't want to make that move and to be honest I really wanted out of the marriage. I agreed to stay here until our house sold and then I'd move to where she was when it did. But I was lying. I never intended on moving. It was a sad time because she did seem pretty devastated when I told her, but since then she's gotten over it. Before her, I was with a few women but I never could actually orgasm inside a woman. I think it's only happened twice in my life. I had masturbated so much that was really the only way I could cum. I'm not sure what I expect here, but feel as if being honest with others about myself can't hurt. I'm really just treading water in my life now. I have no hopes, no dreams...I was such a kind-hearted, sincere kid. I was good to everyone, never tried to hurt anyone. I had big hopes and dreams as a kid, but my anxiety kept me from going to college and my tiny penis kept me from approaching women. I'm an old, bitter man now...and I don't know what could possibly change that. I've tried therapy and it was a joke. I have no friends to tell any of this to. When my mother dies, I'll have no one in my life at all. I don't know how to change that. I'd rather suffer the way I'm living than to have anyone laugh at  me. That's the most horrible feeling in the world. People just think I'm a crazy, troubled loner...they don't know I'm a hopeless romantic with no one to talk to. They don't know my loner status is because I'm scared to death of social situations and have zero confidence in myself 'cause I'm a tiny dick loser. I've contemplated suicide, but I could never go thru with it. It's only my faith that keeps me from it. I don't feel as if I've done a good job with this intro, I'm usually more articulate than this. I'm a kratom user and just took some before i started writing this, may have something to do with it. I'd really like to make some contacts here, just some email friends or whatever. And maybe some younger guys could learn from my mistakes. 

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Hey, Jack. Really great that you've posted your story, it was extremely well written (I'd love to see you writing when you're on form lol). There's a great community of people here all going through the same thing as you and this forum can be a big help. Sounds like you've been through the mill and are feeling a bit on the outs, but you've got a friend in me if you need to vent or just chit chat. I think we've all been through enough crap for one lifetime and it's important to stick together. The Christian guilt is quite common, but it can be observed as a mistake, I did it myself eventually. Guilt is just an Ego concept to keep us stuck in the mud and going around in circles. God wouldn't want us to feel guilty because he is love and love has no opposites, so guilt must be just be societal guidelines. If you were naked dancing with an African tribe it'd be considered normal, but get naked on the subway and you'll be locked up :) I mean you just wanted a sexual connection and that's about as normal as humans get, whether it's a fling or a serious relationship, we all need something. Don't lose those dreams you had as a kid as well, they're still in there somewhere you just need to tap into them and tap into your own power to choose happiness. You're not a tiny dicked loser either because you're not the dick, you're the man. I know that it seems intrinsically linked to manhood but what isn't? If it wasn't our cocks it'd be something else. But I'm glad you're wanting to help others going through the same experience, these forums have helped me and there are always people finding it for the first time. You sound like a nice guy, I'd hate to think you're out there feeling like you've got nobody, because that's not true anymore. Take it easy, brother. You're among friends ☮❤☮

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Jack, I must acknowledge your courage in posting your story.  None of that is easy, and none of it is deserved.

The only choices I see are to either continue in "safe" isolation, which can't really go anywhere, or try to find someone, and in that search, let yourself be rejected as many times as it takes, even if you go down to the grave swinging.  

The fact is, both are acceptable.  I just like the idea that you could get some loving along the way with the second choice.  You never know.  

Just get the dick-worshipping porn images out of your head.  It is my humble opinion that the need for huge penis size is more entrenched in the minds of men rather than women.  Women do have their personal preferences, but it isn't always big, like we guys always seem to wish for ourselves and envy in others.  Ironic, but I believe its true.

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