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bipolar ssingle mom at wits end


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ok so im new to all this but here goes im a 30 yr old with bipolar mixed episodes, my moods are never stable happy one sec mad angry confused bewilderd and just lost and cut off from world the next. i have a set of twins age 2 and a jelouse 6 yr old that i love with all my heart. But there in is my reason for living but on the other hand i have had a verry verry bad childhood and it just seems to get worse as time goes bye im never good enough at anything i do i cant even keep a jornal anymore my thoughts race to fast and cant keep up im scard that my kidds will end up like me. i am so confused half the time anymore its like im totally numb to everything anymore.:( ive gotten relly manic as of late and am freaking about anything and everything coping with bipolar is one thing but throw in a bunch of junk from the past on top of it and look out im a ticking time bomb;ready to explode at any moment questioning my existance and asking why god hated me so much to put me through such hell. From age two to 15 ive been sexually abused by my biological father and beat like a wet dish rag ive been coping with being raped by his gi buddies as well, my first relationship ended because i was pregnant with my oldes and he left two weeks before wedding then 4 years later i had the twins and now again its like i fail all over again not good enough not pretty tall fat and not worth the spit on the ground. why is it that just when everything starts looking up it turns into nightmare on elm street . feel so worthless and dirty and not fit that i cant stand myself in any way shape or form just dont know what to do or were to turn


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