I cant find a theropist

[Morgan1]

I have had issues my entire life, ranging from not sleeping and clingy behaviousr as a baby and child (doctors not finding 'anything wrong' said i was just different) and depression, anxiety, eating problems and now panic disorder

when my parants seperated a checkup with a counsoler gave me the all clear, but while no one was looking i continued to deteriorate

over my teen years i visited different theopists and doctors, only able to tell them the symptoms i was feeling at the current time.

I didnt feel i was having any luck, i presented myself far too inteligent and cognitive theropy only managed to disguise what was still happening inside, continuing to be told that id been one of their best pataints responding very fast to treatments id be a closed case again, the last time i was given the all clear i was determained i wouldnt be returning to go through a meaningless 6 weeks of theropy, i applied myself to work, i had one main job, plus i dabbled in other casual work sometimes even adding a 3rd to the mix (ussually volunteer) at home i have a large family to look after, I was far too busy to even think for a moment b4 hitting the pillow for sleep, but then it hit, things wernt right at work (beyond my control, not due to illness) and i was forced to quit, my backup work fired me not long after for being too slow and my volunteer work had to go out of business, with the kids at school i suddenly had nothing to do, I decided I had been running myself hard over the last few years and thought it an opportunity to revisit myself, i put the horror that had forced me to quit my first job behind me, and the sadness of losing my second and volunteer jobs and tried to just relax, i got bored very quick, but was scared to return to work, until a friend offererd me a referance for a placment at her work, just a small part time job working with people that were obviously very content in their positions, as the weeks went by i was starting to feel better, except for the funny dizzy feelings i started getting at work, and the racing thoughts starting to come back, uh-oh im not well again, i wondered what id do this time, every time i seek proffessional help they just put me on meds, give me a few sessions then say im doing so well i dont need help now, did i want to go through that again, only to end up 'hiding' it all again? i didnt even have time to contemplate though, withing a few days i knew i was in deep trouble, i called my friend to sit with me as i tried to work out what to do, by 6am following no sleep i decided i at least needed something cause this was much stronger than before, i admitted myself to hospital, i was assesed and given the usual script (anit-d's and sedatives) and given the usual regime, go home, see a doctor and a theropist, but as i left the hospital it all kept building and by the time i got home i was in full hysterics, hiding in the bedroom away from my kids so they didnt see, holding my partners hand with all i had for fear that i was leaving this world of reality, my first panic attack, then after what was probably only moments i 'came back' but not the same, nothing seemed right, what was real, what wasnt? I wanted to die to end the pain, yet my fears everynight have always been of dying, i didnt want to die, i want to live, controdictory, yes i know, thats what my new theropist said, but it doesnt change what i feel, I'm going through the same motions as every other time, meds and 'relaxation' techniques, its not working, again, the meds give me some breathing room, but then i start forgetting to take them and it all comes down again, im scared next time i fall will be worse again, im scared oneday i wont be able to come back and all these meds and theropists are not whats going to help me prevent that.

How do I find someone who will REALLY try to help me find out whats wrong and find the right treatments, not just give me relaxation bull and tell me im being controdictory, i alreay knew it was controdictory to want to die yet live forever at the same time.....argh

sorry if ive posted this in the wrong place, this is my first post and i wasnt sure where to put it, but thankyou if you have made it reading this far

Edited January 25, 2009 by Morgan1
missed a line

[finding my way]

Welcome to our community Morgan1! Hopefully you'll find some relief sharing your experiences here with people who can relate and also by reading other people's stories. There is a ton of information in the self-help tools section too. It sounds like you are suffering from anxiety (though I'm not trying to diagnose you:)). Have you had a chance to look at the anxiety section?

I have been to many, many therapists myself. My luck has been from lousy all the way to fantastic. I encourage you to try your luck again and see if you can find someone that is workable.

Meanwhile, keep participating with us and see if expressing yourself with others can help ease some of the pressure on the inside.

[Morgan1]

thanx for responding

i do have quite severe anxiety, and this ramble said it all didnt it, lol

im looking forward to getting to know the community, not exactly the best intro post, lol, but i spose alot of people would spill a bit on their first post having found a place they feel comfortable to do so in!

[finding my way]

You did fine, Morgan1! You aren't the only one who can fit into several categories (lol )! Hope you continue to check out the site.