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I hurt my ex-girlfriend too many times, and now I'm lost.


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Hello, this is going to be a long read with no tl;dr. I'm sorry, I just don't feel like condensing. I feel as the entire story needs to be read. So, I guess I should start with a condensed biography between both of us before I get to the story.

For me, I'm a tormented lost soul. I was molested as a young child, I hid this demon inside for a very long time up until the point where I decided killing myself would be the best option. I attempted overdosing on oxycodone and hydrocodone. Clearly, I failed. Which I'm okay with right now. I've seen therapists, and I still feel so lost. Medication didn't help. I feel as I'm no good. I tried killing myself only a couple days before my birthday. I became numb, very apathetic and had zero capabilities of showing emotion up until I met my now ex-girlfriend. 

For her, she's just as tormented as I am. She was molested as well, she lost her sister to suicide, her moms a deadbeat who only wants money, her dad just died recently and she's sad she didn't pursue a connection between each other before he passed.  

Now for the reason I'm posting. My girlfriend and I were together for 5 years, on/off (mainly due to me because I'm shortsighted and dumb). In the beginning, things were good. We had a healthy relationship I would say, we had an intimate connection. Sexually and mentally, things were good for a good time. We were obviously still on/off, but we always had this connection between each other. I was still fighting my demon. She was there for when I tried killing myself. This last time we broke up, everything was different. Before we broke up, I turned dark and cold-hearted towards her primarily, but everyone else around me. I was controlling, abusive mentally and physically, mean. I suppressed my emotions and didn't try to actively heal on them.. instead I projected them onto the people around me.. but primarily her. I don't know how she stuck around for so long, I was so fucking mean I can't stand myself. I stopped calling her beautiful, but instead I called her ugly, even though she was the most gorgeous girl on this planet. I controlled who she hung out with, I never let her have fun or be with friends. I didn't show her the respect and love she deserved. I was physically abusive at times. I would grab her arm, or her stomach one time. But the main thing that set her over the edge was me chucking a wallet at her, which hit her in the face. I never punched her in her face or anything else.. although this doesn't change the damage I did. I had lost my sexual desire in general. We rarely had sex. I always made her cry. I stopped showing that I cared about her. Instead, I start projecting my monster towards her because I didn't know what else to do. This wasn't acceptable in any fashion. I regret everything, and would go back in time to change everything I did to her. 

She left me, which she had every single right to do so. She didn't deserve to endure my physically and mental abuse. It's so saddening to me that I only realized my damage.. after she left. I would change everything in this world if I could have changed prior to her leaving. My problem is I seek happiness in others, before myself. She left to better herself, to focus on herself. I don't hate her for anything she did. I hate myself, I hate everything about myself for what I did. I am no better than those who abused us as kids. I physically and mentally hurt her just like we were hurt. I projected my anger out on everything around me. I'm not lost because she's gone, I'm lost because I hurt someone enough to push them to their limit just to leave. I feel no better than those monsters out there. She won't text me back, which is going to be okay in the end I just can't accept everything. It happened so fast. This was a garbage Christmas, and it'll be a garbage start to a new year.

Nothing can change what I did to her, she can forgive me but she will never forget. I'm just lost with myself now. I don't know what to do. I want to change, but it's so hard to change. I am broke. 

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