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My Depression


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Hi, I’m Reni and I’ve been depressed since I was 10 years old. It all began when a close relative died, followed up by bullying, ciberbullying, not having any friends, and really big family issues, with time all of this lead into a depression. At such a young age I didn’t know what I was feeling or ignored it had a name, now I do. 

When I was 11 years old I started cutting myself, hitting myself, punishing myself, I don’t myself that I wasn’t worth of anything, that I wasn’t pretty or skinny or smart. Some days I could barely look at myself, I couldn’t stand looking at my hands because they were mine. 

I’ve tried to take my life several times, something that people don’t get is that trying to commit suicide is not I my the action, it’s is also being an lone in your room with pulls in one hand and a suicide note on the other debating wether to take the pills or not, or holding a blade and not being able to kill yourself. 

I’m 16 now, I like to think that I’m better. My last cut was on December 18 2017. I feel lonely sometimes. Some days I want to end everything and cut myself or hit myself. The way I see it depression is being trapped in a bubble looking at the outside world and at the same time being suffocated by a dense black fog that’s coming out of your chest. It’s like a never ending climb where you are constantly falling. I’m scared to get better because each time I do or that I think I am getting better, I fall again and sometimes I fall harder that ever. I don’t have a lot of friends at school, I would love to have someone I can trust. 

When I was 11 I found Katy Perry and she changed my life, she saved me with her songs. I am forever grateful with her for that. 

I hope that some day I will be able to pop my bobble and be happy again. 

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Reni, is there a trusted adult in your life who you can talk and share with? Are your parents supportive? You are coping with a lot and it's okay to reach out for help.

Your description of your feelings is heartfelt. I'm sorry you are going through this struggle. :( Does it help to express yourself like this, perhaps through journaling or poetry? Painting? Art? Do you have any opportunities in school through clubs or other school activities to connect with others? I agree that friendships can be healing.

I hope you are safe today, Reni. Write and share here anytime. Take care of you.

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Hi, thank you for everything. My parents don’t support me a lot, hoe army I think that they barely care. I go to therapy every week, it helps talking to someone but it’s not enough time and I’m not getting medicine and I see no improvement but it’s better than not going to therapy at all. Katy Perry helps me a lot with her music and the only reason I’m alive right now is because i nat to see her live again next May. 

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