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I've stopped porn. Now how do I not loose her?


Kang184th
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I'm a 23 year old guy who watched pornography daily since he was 16. My habit never affected my daily life until I started dating my fiance. I didn't stop looking at porn daily unless I spent the day with her. I thought porn was something to do when I was bored and a normal thing for a young guy. She has always been the best for me sexually and we have great sex. She went to great lengths for me sexually and we both tried keep each other very happy. Nothing deviant but a little spice.

She looked at my computer history one day while I was at work. She was not appalled by the pornography, just the amount and depth I was consuming. She was hurt, and rightfully so we were making love up to 4 times a day. I promised to stop looking and did for a while. Then I slipped and fell into old habits. When questioned if I was still watching I lied. I was caught again and continued to lie to her face. She was and is very hurt by this and the fact that I chose to continue to watch pornography an lie about it. Finally in September I stopped for good and have not watched, looked, or read any pornography since.

We thought we had put this behind us and are now engaged. I want nothing else in my life than to be with her. This is not college boy puppy love, we've both had those relationships before. The demons of trust and intimacy have now reached the point that all we do is fight about them and our sexless relationship. We try talking about my past problems but she doesn't trust me. Honestly I do not blame her for not trusting me, I lied before. What worth does my word have now?

Anyone with any input on saving this relationship and rebuilding our trust and intimacy would be greatly appreciated. Any ideas on what we can do to work though this or even if you'd share with me your past experiences. We're both at the end of our ropes and if we don't find anything soon I will loose the best thing to ever happen to me.

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Hi

The only way you're going to salvage your relationship is to sit her down and talk to her! Explain to her that if she want this relationship to carry on then there's going to have to be some changes from both of you, to make it work?

A relationship is a Two way system! You cannot have a relationship with just One of you! You need to explain this to her!

TRUST plays a big part also and if she doesn't trust you, then you may as well kiss your arse goodbye! You have lied in the past, so what! no one's perfect! You apologized and clearly stated this to her. If she is not willing to accept your apology, even though she says she does, she has to prove that she has accepted it by trusting you? Without trust, there is nothing?

I'm a great believer in TRUST myself, & people have to earn my trust! I also practice what I preach! The same goes for anyone, 'I have to earn their trust?'

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Thank you. I'll continue to talk to her. What else can I do but that? I really do love her. She has every right to be mad. I will do everything in my power not to loose her. If she will continue to have me. I plan on sitting down with her and talking about this, no yelling, no blaming, and no claims to a quick fix. Hopefully she will listen and she hasn't completly given up.

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Kang184th……Instead of stop looking at all porn why not just tell her that you will do your best to reduce the amount of viewing. My wife and I look at porn together. In fact she buys more magazines then I do. We even watch videos together to maybe spice us up. Instead of trying to be the puppy and do everything she says try asking her to meet you half way. If you give in too much she will get too used to walking all over you.

Take your problems and issues and instead of one person trying to give it up all together have some give and take on each part.

Paula……. I wish my wife thought like you. She says that lying is worse than cheating and if I cheat on her she is going to leave me. But yet she has said that I have lied to her but yet she shows no action. Yes she got mad but I told her I didn't lie I misunderstood what she was asking (big story I'll tell later just remind me). If she thinks what I have done is so bad but she keeps giving me all these second chances I think she is all talk or is just trying to scare me. The things she thinks is so terrible I think are small beans and tell her "Are you seriously that mad over something that petty?" Then she starts to back down because she sees that I am not going to take it but she still tries to push it on me. In the beginning of our relationship I made the mistake of trying to do everything to please her and never asked her to try and meet me half way on what ever subject and now she thinks she can control me and I am felling liked a trapped animal because she doesn't want me to go any where. And pretty soon this animal is going to snap and break free if she is not careful.

So watch how you handle the situation before you end up like me. Meet each other half way and work from there never let one side take full control.

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Karl

We did watch porn together as a way to spice it up. The thing that bothered her the most is that I lied about my own viewing. I should have noticed how much it bothered her the first time and made some compramises then. Becasue of my actions that followed I am perfectly ok with not watching pornography.

The problems caused by my lieing about something as trivial as porn magnified the normal arguments and disputes that come with any relationship.

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Hi Kang

Your not trying to tell me she's an angel are you LOL! We all make mistakes! Listen, shit happen's! So what, deal with it! You'll get over it! We've all been there!

If you want to make a (I'll be nice now and talk appropriate) fool of your self? I could of said D***! But I didn't, only coz your new, Ha!

You either put up & shut up, or do something about it! I am not being mean, well just a little bit, but sort it, only you can do that!

Karl, wot do you mean you wish your wife were more like me? You had your chance and you knocked me back!!! Ha Ha! Ohhhh just ignore me, I'm in one of them moods! You've got to laugh haven't you... Otherwise you'd cry...

Hope no one takes offence here...

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Kang, I believe I agree with finding my way. I've heard that some states even require you take a class before they allow you to get married. (was heard by a friend, don't take me 100% on that). Either way, at least there, its an atmosphere to try and get everything out in the open, and someone else to kind of guide you back on course if you wind up wandering off on some other topic. It would be a way to get to the root of the problem.

Now, just from the way I understood it, this would be the way I'd feel. If you were watching that much pornography before, that's like a stab at someone's self esteem. Here she was thinking she was enough, and then you repeatedly went back to watching it.

Another thing is, maybe she is the type that yeah, you have to earn her trust, and once you've lost it, ESPECIALLY in a way that hurt deeply, your lucky if you get it back. I know I am not the majority in the way I think, but once you've lost my trust, there really isn't a way to get it back. And once you've hurt me that way, there's really not a way to ever make me feel better. There are comments my husband made YEARS ago that make me still to this day very very very uneasy (and sometimes upset enough to cry about it) in the intimacy department.

But all in all, I agree with Finding My Way. Good luck with everything, and I hope it all turns out ok.

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