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Confused and Afraid


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For the past year I’ve been living with what I think is POCD (I’ve gotten a diagnosis from a therapist with proper credentials, however it was through email not irl). It all started with me just asking my self “could I be a pedofile” followed by panic attacks, rumination, and checking. There was no evidence that would support me being a pedofile. I had never been aroused or attracted to kids, yet I freaked out and the question has plagued me ever since. However now, things have changed. What used to be groinal responses around kids are now full on erections of the sort I could get when looking at women before this all started. All of this has left me very confused. I can’t tell if this escalation in sexual response is because of increasing amounts of anxiety over this past year, or if somehow my sexuality changed throughout the immense amount of stress from POCD. But it doesn’t make any sense. You’re sexuality can’t just change. When this all started I was 15 and by then your sexuality is already set in stone. On top of that I’m never inclined to check out kids. I always check out mature women in public. That’s just what draws my eye, and even though now POCD has robbed me of any arousal to women I still find it enjoyable to look at pretty girls. But, on the other hand, at this point I can only get aroused by children. Even though I think they are underdeveloped and immature, and I would never want to date or have sex with them they’re the only things I can get aroused by. Shamefully, I’ve masterbated a couple of times to children. All came out of checking for groinal responses and none derived any moral pleasure. They always ended with extreme anxiety, disgust, and shame. But they were also great orgasms. I feel disgusted typing that but it’s true. Up until a few weeks ago this has all felt like an extreme case of anxiety, but now it just feels like denial. For comparison, I feel like the narrator in Edgar Allen Poe’s “The Black Cat”. I feel like a decent person slowly turning into a monster who’s morals are in staunch opposition with the desires of the monster. I’m just venting, but I’m very confused.

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