Enmeshed mum

[Girlfriendmomaphobia]

I've been in a relationship which had lasted for 4 years. It has not been particularly smooth sailing, but we'v hung on through the storms. We've survived one accidental pregnancy, a subsequent miscarriage, 2 years of confinement in the army and now a long distance relationship. (I only get to see my girl 3 monts out of a whole year.)

Anyway, I've recently come back from a long stretch of being away to realise that something was not quite right. My girlfriend's mom's attitude not only changed suddenly but also for the worst, in my opinion:

1. She is christian, and she has claimed to have had a "revalation"; apparently, God told her to wear no other colour exept white! so all her clothes in her closet were replaced with white ones. This was fine, less the fact that she has attended the weddings of her relatives in white dresses, resulting in a now tensed relationship between my girlfirnds family and the extended family.

2. My girlfriend is 23 and she has a ridiculous curfew of 9.30 pm. even when we go out on a date, her mum would call and call reminding her that she must be back home by then.

3. I notice that when I go over, the mum claims that she is tired, my girlfriends sis is busy, and that my girlfriend has to walk the dog. My girlfriend is a teacher and has a lot of preparation to do for the next days class. her sis meanwhile is surfing the net chatting to her friends. The mum would then tell me to walk the dog. every time every day, same situation. The sis and mum are NOT doing anything.

4. I was recently sat down by the GFmum and was told off for not taking responsibility for the pregnancy. I was gonna marry the girl, forgo my university studies and dreams and sign on as a regular in the army to bring up the child. What she meant was that i did not pay for the hospital fees after the miscarriage. BTW i was only paid $300 a month as a serviceman when the problems arose. Now that i had the money, she refused to take it. I mean, what do you want?

5. She is 47 and has quit her job claiming that she has retired. and that she knows she will be fed because her husband will provide. If not, God will provide and she does not need to work.

6. As a sign of respect, when I go over to my Gf's house to help her with work, we leave the room door open. Her mom, takes this as a sign to spend hours around us hovering at her, asking her why she has not done her chores like the dishes, swept the floor, washed the clothes walked the dog, etc. My Gf and I have full time jobs. she is a housewife. I mean what else does she do? she is 47, fit, and does not do the dishes, sweeping, washing or walking?

7. The worst is that she openly expresses toward me, her displeasure with my family. she tells me over dinner that my family is rich proud and snobbish.

And she gets angry when i try to defend them. The mom says that all she is concerned about is my development and my growing, and that she "loves" me...help

She intrudes into our private space and i've always felt that i'm dating my gf AND her mom. There was once, we told her that we are going out on a date, I was shocked, the changed her clothes and told us that she was coming along too..

My girlfriend is clearly unhappy about the situation with her mum, however she is not self sufficient yet and still stays with her. Her dad is okay, but chooses not to interfere. her sis on the otherhand acts as an informant for the mum, gossiping about me whenever she gets the chance. I am stopping short of just letting go of the relationship because i am being suffocated in it

I still love this girl, but i wish the family would just understand that we are 23 and we need our space. Help what should i do? if there is anything i can do

[finding my way]

Yikes! enmeshment is right! That sounds very difficult, not to mention unhealthy. Can you keep yourself focused on the future to get through this? Do you have plans to get your own place together?

[Girlfriendmomaphobia]

Well. we HAD plans, until her mum started becoming like this. However, taking that her mum lives very near my future workplace, I really dont know how far i can run to avoin un announced drop ins. Talking with reason had been thrown out the window. I mean, how do you reason with "god told me in a dream to do so" or "it came to me in a prayer" at the moment, I'm an artist, and apparently god told her that if I had a gift, I must use it for free. Not to sell my paintings. So i tried to reason, I need to cover my cost. I need to feed myself and my girlfriend. Her reason, don't worry God will provide. How do you argue with that?

I'm worried about the influence she will have on my children and their young minds. I'm not saying religeon is bad. don't get me wrong, i'm christian myself. However, it is bad to use religeon as an excuse for everything.

See, a long distance relatinship, army confinement, and now that i'm back for just a short while her mum says that she is spending too much time with me. And I only see her 3 times a week until 9.30! still, her mum says that she loves me. I am soo confused. should I leave this relationship? I'm leaving in 3 weeks. and she is not cuttig any slack.

[paula]

Hi

I realise your finding it hard but hold on for a while, just a little while longer!

See, a long distance relatinship, army confinement, and now that i'm back for just a short while her mum says that she is spending too much time with me. And I only see her 3 times a week until 9.30! still, her mum says that she loves me. I am soo confused. should I leave this relationship? I'm leaving in 3 weeks. and she is not cuttig any slack.

Before you leave in three weeks time you need to have a word with your G/F in private! Explain how you feel and ask her to marry you if you love her that much, that is?

To me, that seems the only option there is left? Granted, you might have to save for the wedding but at least you will have married quarters in the Army? You two could spend time together without her mother pestering you all the time!

Also, this might be what you need to break free your G/F from being attached to her mother's apron strings?

Good luck!

[Loneranger]

Hi

Do you believe it when these people say to you that God told them in a dream or through a prayer to do these things? I’m afraid I don’t.

Maybe try to use the bible as a tool to reason with them. Try to find verses that back up your way of doing things. After all you are a Christian and you seem to want to do the right thing.

Good luck

Regards

LR