how do you get over 5 years of infidelity?

[cara83]

I've been with my partner for five years. In which time I've had problems, with going out. He's always said he loved me and would never hurt me, and that he understood my problems. But recently I've found out that my fiance has been cheating on me for years. On the internet, when out with friends. And he had an affair with someone I know, and now I just feel completely humiliated.

I wanted to walk away, but couldn't because I love him. I've had nobody but him in my life for the past six years, and the idea of never seeing him again was too much to cope with.

He broke down and told me he loves me, and has changed, and is sorry. It'll never happen again, and now he realises how much he loves me. But I don't understand how someone can love another person (really love them), and yet sleep around and confide in other people behind their back. Be intimate with other girls/women.

It's been over a month now since I found out about it. I still cry every day, feel so worthless. I was getting better, finding it easier to go out, and was starting to feel happy and hopeful until this.

Worse, I caught him out. He'd never have told me if I hadn't have, and even put me at risk (if you know what I mean). Thankfully I've been checked out and am okay, but I don't understand how he could have ever loved me (been in love with me) to do that to me.

If it was a one night stand I could have got over it, but it wasn't. He kept going back for more. He was on dating sites for years, every site on the internet I discovered.

For the past few years he's shouted at me, paid me less attention and I didn't see him as much as I used to. I never clicked though. Now I feel stupid. He always said he loved me. Always told me he'd never cheat on me, because he's been hurt himself. I never thought this would happen. He seemed different to most men.

I feel completely shattered. I'm not as young as I once was, mid twenties now. The idea of finding someone else scares me.

I was so bubbly once, I just don't know who I am anymore.

Has anyone else been through this ? I just don't have anyone to talk to about it.

He promised me the world when I was going to leave him, but a month later he's back to criticising me, and getting mad at me. I know I sound feeble. I'm really not, I give as good as I get, but my lungs can't take anymore arguments.

All I ever wanted was to be loved. I guess the saying's right 'no one will love you unless you love yourself'

I just am scared that every man is the same. How do you meet someone nice ? If you have problems.

How can I get over what he's done ?

Can someone love you if they've repeatedly cheated on you ?

Sorry for sounding negative.

[lorip]

Sorry to hear about your situation. I would like to say though that being in your mid twenties still, you still have plenty of time left. As for him, I would say that you might be better off to move on and find another as hard as it may be. Think of it this way, would you want to actually start a family and raise kids with someone you cannot trust? You are correct in the fact that you cant love someone fully if you cant love yourself. I have been there and found out that it is a part of life, sometimes we have to have our hearts broken and then when we do find the right one, we see what true love really is all about. It happened to me for years and I thought life was over, but after going through it all and finding the right person finally, I see how great it can be. Although we still have our issues today, at least we know we can trust each other. You should not feel stupid at all or be down on yourself as you did not bring it onto yourself. Dont beat yourself up over someone who is missing out on something wonderfull, YOU!!

[finding my way]

I'm so sorry for your pain cara83. It sounds like your fiance has addiction issues. He would have to face up to that & get help. Even then there are absolutely no guarantees he would be faithful to you and not his addiction. I don't know why the world is made this way. I totally agree with lorip, and I wish you strength and comfort right now!!

[kaudio]

Allan wrote a timely piece concerning infidelity. Should you decide that “enough is enough”, I also agree with lorip that you have plenty of time to find another man who will give you the respect you deserve.

As you say, if this man really loved you, he would not have exposed you to the potential harm of STIs. Hang in there! You are going through difficult times so it is important to pay attention to your needs by taking in some good protein, like eggs and milk, and sleeping well.

[Mark]

I don't know that there is a right answer to stay or not (in the realtionship), but I do think that it is not necessary a rational decision that you can make. I think you have to do some soul searching, and you have to see how it feels to stay, whether there is any hope of forgiveness, and how it feels to fantisize about leaving. And what fears you may have about leaving which might keep you from leaving - those fears you should talk about with people so that you don't stay fearful of something that is not realistic. For instance, people are saying to you "you're young and you can find other partners" which is very likely true. Which implies that you might stay becuase you are fearful of being alone forever. It sounds goofy to say that but a lot of people do stay becuase they do have that fear. And often it is not a realistic fear.

If you ultimately (after a few months when your feelings are consistent about it) feel that you cannot forgive, then it will be time to leave. If you come around to the idea that you can forgive and trust again (and that will be based on his long term actiosn towards you not what he says but what he does) then you can stay. Go with your gut, but don't make an impulsive or fear based decision, is what I'm saying.

Mark

[zavierclint]

I have been with my bf and father of my 2 children for ten yrs. I now know of six girls he has cheated with. The one before this last I left him. We were split up for 3 mths. This was 3 yrs ago and I recently found out he has been (for over a year) seeing a recent co-worker at his 2nd job. I was suspicious 3 mths ago when I saw a tx message from her. She finally called me. He is still telling me he hasn't done anything and she is a crazy stocker!!! Men like this don't stop especially if you stay. He actually gets angry with me for being upset over this. The problem is they want their cake and eat it too and when something/someone interferres with this it makes them angry. I am stuck with a part-time crappy job, I am in school, and I have 2 children to worry about. To put icing on the cake everything is in his name(Iam sure it was done for this reason). I can't leave right now. I am depressed ashamed and feeling very betrayed. My advice to you is leave if you can make on your own. They don't change and in the end you will end up everyday wishing you could live someone elses life anyones as long as it doesn't have the miserys yours has.:(

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Zavierclint,

You really have been through a hard time with the man you have lived with for ten years. I do not know if you are aware of this or not but, in some states, common law marriage is still recognized. That means that, in those states, if you live together for a certain amount of time (varies according to state) you are legally married. I know that Colorado is one of those states. You need to find out if this is true where you live. If you live in another country, the same question may apply. This is important because, if you the law where you live considers you legally married then, everything in his name is in your name, also.

What do you think?

Allan