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Loosing Control???


JustTrying
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Hi guys! been a while. I just have sort of a question. I want to see if you all think I am not being rational.

My husband and I have been on the brink of divorce for a while.

My latest atempts at therapy have failed. I was in this "program" they took me out of the program so that I could get therapy. Catch 22... by doing that I am not eligiable for the therapy. In order for them to pay for it I have to be in the "program" ..... Don't ask me!!! Confuses the Hell out of me too!

A few weeks ago Hubs decided he was going to FORCE me to go to work with him 2 hrs away and leave my house and my dogs for days at a time. I refused. Of course that started problems. SOOOOOOO this week. ( BTW I have been doing good with my drinking) I decided to drive myself up there and spend the night. He assumed I was staying all week with us coming home to check on the dogs. I did not object except for the fact that I did not leave the dogs enough heat and food etc for a few days... only over night. You see by ME agreeing to it and him not TELLING me I did not have a problem with it. I do get so tired of being alone.

we come home, fill the feeders and water dishes. I pack the van full of clothes, food etc. We drive back to his job. On the way he informs me that I will no longer have access to any money and that he will be paying the bills, buying the food, Cigs. everything from now on. because I cannot be trusted.

I am sorry made me feel like less than a person. I have been in charge of the household money for 20 yrs. All of a sudden I can't have $5.00 to my name???? I put my last $15.00 in the van for gas to get up there the other day.

I tried to explain to him that by doing that he was taking ME away. I am the wife, cook, housekeeper, I run the budget. And he wants to take that away from me? He has never even been in a grocery store or wrote a check or even had a checking account. At least not for the 20 yrrs I have been married to him. The bills have always been paid, the fridge always full, I bought his clothes.. ( he doesn't even know what size he wears) That was my life, my world and he wants to take it away from me????

Needless to say I told him when we get to his job to get the HELL out of my van I was going home. And I did. good thing. The heater had went out and it was 23 degrees... my dogs were cold.

He says it has nothing to do with my drinking.... and really his money has nothing to do with my drinking. I can make a phone call right now and have a case delivered and it will cost me nothing. BUT he lies!!! I take care of everything.. why else would he take control of the household money from me???

I do not mind him montering the money.. seeing the bills ( he has not a clue how much the bills are) I will bring him receipts from the stores... for dog food, groceries gas etc.... but do not take this away from me!!!!

Am I being irrational? He says it should not be a big deal because he will still pay for and buy everything. But to me it is a big deal. Makes me feel like I am stupid and cannot do normal everyday things. makes me feel like less than a person.

I can be real stubborn and just sit here and starve. Or I can make a phone call and move me and my dogs into a new house that will be bought for me and a new van. By the end of the week my life can change. I do not want it to change. but it can. Today I am not going to do anything. just think.

Perhaps it is time to let him go. He makes me feel bad and makes me cry. I will not make that call to get beer today either. I had about 2 hrs sleep last night and I may try to take a nap.

I just do not think this is fair.

Am I wrong????

JT ( Gabby)

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Well I guess I am being irrational. Perhaps I need to be treated like I am retarded and real slow. ( no offense meant to anyone) Just because I have an MI does not to me make me slow or incapable. I can do alot of things.

I have a friend of mine that went to 4 yrs college and he and I can go toe to toe about all kind of things. I never graduated high school ... I did get my GED last year. If I have a question about things I call him, he me.... so at least one person believes in my intelligence.

I wish I had never been diagnosed. I wish I had never went for help and just kept hiding all this from everyone. Then perhaps I would be treated as a human being instead of whatever I am being treated like now. An animal. With no common sense. No rights. No feelings.

Done ........

JT

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JT I don't blame you for being upset. A person has rights, and it sounds like yours are being taken away. After you cool off a bit, can you reason with your husband? Does HE need to cool off a bit? Maybe he is coming from a place of high emotions himself. He has become fearful and needs assurance too. I hope you can wait a bit before making any drastic decisions... and I hope you two can cool down and talk things over more.:)

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JT,

It sounds to me like your husband has been frustrated about something for a long time and feeling like he's not getting any results so he says this draconian thing to you to get your attention and maybe to put you in your place. I get this "I'm feeling out of control so I'm going to get back in control by exerting control over the person I don't have control over" vibe.

I hope he is overreacting and will calm down, because I don't think that this is a good way to run a marriage. I have no idea what your capacities are as a money manager, but in your interactions here in the community, you've always come across as thoughtful and pretty rational (if occasionally drunk and possibly psychotic sometimes (voices)). I know that last phrase sounds odd, but I don't think it is a problem. Reminds me of that old joke which ends "I might be crazy but I ain't stupid!".

So - basically I think you need to talk with him if you can, calmly, with the understanding that he's upset about something and trying to get your attention and bring you under some kind of control unfair though it is. So, give him your attention and try to understand what he's upset about, if you can. The alternative (one of them anyway) is to get all defensive and that will only make the fighting worse. What I'm recommending might not work, but at least it might cool things down some and get at the underlying problem which doesn't seem to be being communicated.

Mark

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Hi, Pretty much keeping my cool. He did give me some money. i told him I needed it and he put it in the bank. However that went to dog food, gas and cigs. So he just left a few minutes ago with out leaving me any money. I said nothing and I will not.

He knows I have an appointment Wednesday at the CDC ( Chemical Dependency something) It will cost $30.00. Pocket needs insulin and needles .. another $30.00 or $40.00. I am on my last pack of Cigs... $45.00 and the dogs need food.... $39.00..... I HAVE $80.00 left..... I may not be too good at math but I do not see it happening.

But I refuse to say ANYTHING!!!! I am not playing this game. I will get the insulin and the dog food. Good time to quit smoking. I will call and change my appointment .. plus I was suppose to go see him Wednesday.. that will not be happening.

I am not begging and pleading. He came home for a visit. I thought we had a good time. He did put new brakes and rotors on the front of the van.

I will make it through this week and if it happens again I will just make some phone calls. My dogs and I will be took care of.

Yep, Mark I have gotten drunk and psychotic. I talked to Barry .. one of my therapist the other day and told him that although I get that way when I am drinking. I also get that way after about 3 days of being sober. I told him I need a psychosis med. He said maybe it is alcohol withdrawl. I do not get the shakes etc anymore because I do not drink that much. I was suppose to talk to the CDC about that this week.... OH WELL!!!!!

Yes I am very pissed and hurt. But I am trying to keep my cool. I only hurt me ( or mostly me) when I get upset.

Thanks for the replys....

JT

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OK Venting here.......

I am getting madder and madder by the minute. I have not said anything to him yet.. and I do not want to. I have been doing the math... I can do without the needles for pockets insulin. Reuse the ones I have I have 2 left. I can buy cheap dog food.. although it upsets the dogs stomachs... maybe it will be ok for a few days. I NEED my cigs.... I need to quit but I do not think I can right now. I can change the doctor appointment ... although I do not need to. I added it up.. without the needles... I need at the least $127.00.... And that is buying a small bag of dog food... Plus Pocket eats Chicken Brown rice and vegtables.... she does not eat dog food. I have soup etc. that I can eat and a few frozen things in the freezer. I have $80.00.... how to make that stretch.. and that does not include beer. If I need it... I have some at a friends.

I have told him and told him that when I get stressed the Bipolar acts up.... I might as well talk to a wall. I know he wants me to just be ok.. to just be "normal" But I am who I am.... everytime I try to talk to him .. he says " there you go with that Bullshit again!" F HIM!!!!!!!

He is far from perfect. In earlier posts I have hinted at things.... he is no better than I am... If you want to know the truth, he is worse than I could ever be. maybe not now... but in the past he has done some shitty things....

I think I need to leave him. he does not respect me. He wants me to be what he wants, when he wants and to act how he wants me to. I love him... next Saturday will be 20 yrs we are marrried... perhaps I will call Daddy and see if he will give me the money to file for divorce the day before.

Oh I have 2 guys that if I would just sleep with them I would not have a care in the world. I have known them for years. They accept me for me ... ( or at least they do now... I am not stupid... they want sex) And I do love them as friends... but I do not love them that way. I have been married since I was 15.. this is my 2nd marriage. I do not know how to play these games..... I never had to.

My mind is going 90 miles an hour. I am scared to go to sleep. I want so much to say soemthing to him.... but something tells me not to.

Should I tell him in the morning that I cancelled my doc appoinment so that I could buy Pockets insulin??? And I bought $7.00 dog food so that I could have cigs??? Or should I just not say anything???

Damn it I do not know what to do. I want to go off.... but I do not want to either. If I do get drunk, who is going to be the unlucky soul I cuss out??? Cause I tend to take it out on innocent people and not hubs.....

I want to just crawl in a hole.... pretend this is not happening... I want to go into "crazy" land..... I want to have a breakdown and sit in the floor and cry and cut........ but yet I do not either.... does that make sense??? I want to be rational.

Thanks for letting me vent........

JT

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Hold it together JT. This is a stressful time, but it too will pass.

You have a series of decisions that need to be made. It helps to prioritize things on your plate so that you can have a strategy for approaching them.

The immediate and most pressing needs are to keep you and Pocket safe. that means food/medications/shelter, etc. The control issues with your husband (e.g., cutting off your money supply) are pressing and need to be solved, because without money, you can't take care of yourself.

Now is not a good time to quit smoking as it will increase your stress. Now is also not a good time to make a decision like should I divorce. I say this not becuase you don't know your own mind, but because it's never a good thing to make a decision in the midst of a crisis in which you are reacting to things. best to make decisions from a place where you can rest for a moment (if that is possible).

It is a good thing that you have some friends who would put you up, but it sounds like that is not a good long term option as it would mean prostituting yourself (even if it were not strictly that, it would be in that direction, and while there are worse things in the world to do than that, that won't help you feel good about yourself).

It seems to me that the most pressing issue is getting your hands on enough money to get you and pocket through the next few days. If you cannot get money from your husband (and you should ask nicely as this is the easiest path, even if he is being a total control-freak-jerk), than if your father might otherwise advance you money for divorce, might you be able to borrow enough from him to simply live for a few days (e.g., with a few cigs, medication for you and the dog, a little food, etc.).

If you are considering leaving your husband, you need a plan for how you will take care of yourself. That means - where will you live? How will you pay your bills. When you get a moment to catch your breath, maybe write a little bit about that sort of thing. if you jump out of one situation into another, it will help you to know that there is something to jump to on the other side.

Mark

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I am trying Mark.... Me a few months ago would have already reacted. I have been trying to work on my impulse control. Because If I react without thinking about things... it usually does not turn out good. If I just acted, I would end up in jail for a long time.

I understand what you are saying about the "prostituting" thing. In reality I guess that is what it would be ... because although I do love them as friends. I do not love them like they say they love me and I would only be doing it for the money. Or to be took care of.

I got $200.00 from my dad. I had to tell him the van broke down. Because although he will give me money. He wants me to leave Hubs. He does not like him because of his past. Soooo Pocket has her meds.. I have cigs.... the dogs have food and right now there are no bills due. And I still have $100.00 left. I did not go to the CDC.

My thoughts right now.... I think I need to make a serious effort to get a job. Hubs would never let me apply at Sub Way or Walmart... etc. He wanted me to get a job at the hospital or some type of desk job. That pays more. However the point of me getting a job was to give me something to do and perhaps I would not drink as much.

Even if the JOB was minumum wage. At least I would have some money if he wants to continue playing this game. I could pay the bills even though some of this expensive stuff would have to go.

He has always been a control freak and I have let him.... like I tell my friends... I like big ugily mean men!!! LOL!!!Guess not really mean but dominant does not bother me.. but this is BS. I am 39 yrs old.

We will see how this weekend goes. The DTV and the water bill are due.

My mind is still going 900 miles an hour. TOO much stress!!!! But I am trying to write my thoughts and feeling down.. instead of reacting and then thinking. I am trying to put off reacting to something at least 24 hrs.... I have been told 72 hrs is better.... but hey!!! One step at a time!!!!

Got drunk Monday night. Was sober last night ... dreamed or hallucinated all blooming night. Real crazy stuff. .... like my boots were falling apart... and I slapped a strange woman on the butt..... Crazy stuff!!! What a ride!!! At least later I realize it was not real.

JT

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JT,

It seems to me that you're doing fine given the circumstance. This is a difficult circumstance!

He has always been a control freak and I have let him.... like I tell my friends... I like big ugily mean men!!! LOL!!!Guess not really mean but dominant does not bother me.. but this is BS. I am 39 yrs old.

People's opinions of other people can change over time, and what was acceptable before might not be acceptable today. It's okay if your mind is changing based on new information. He's not treating you well lately, it doesn't seem.

My thoughts right now.... I think I need to make a serious effort to get a job. Hubs would never let me apply at Sub Way or Walmart... etc. He wanted me to get a job at the hospital or some type of desk job. That pays more. However the point of me getting a job was to give me something to do and perhaps I would not drink as much.

Even if the JOB was minumum wage. At least I would have some money if he wants to continue playing this game. I could pay the bills even though some of this expensive stuff would have to go.

I agree with all of these points. Having a job will give you something to occupy your time and to be responsible for (which might help you not drink ??); it will put a little money in your pocket so you are less vulnerable (not that it will fix all problems but it will fix some). The economy is crappy right now, but it doesn't hurt to apply for jobs.

Mark

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Someone let me off this roller coaster ride!!!!

This was the best anniversary I can remember. Of course I never said anything to him about the money or any of the EVIL thoughts that were in my mind and I did not tell him Daddy loaned me some money.

Actually it started out bad. He did not come home Friday. I once again had been sober for a few days and although I had beer I was afraid to drink it because I was afraid I would go "OFF". So I go to bed. I wake up at 3 am screaming and crying. I had " dreamed... hallucinated??? " that someone without a face or head and it was not hubs body, had broke in the house and raped me. IN MY MIND IT LASTED FOR HOURS.... but it was not real. however it felt very real.

I did not call hubs because he would not answer the phone. He would have thought I was drunk. I didn't want to call a friend of ours because he is fighting depression real bad right now and thinking of going to the hospital and I didn't want to wake him up with me crying.

So around 8 am ( I never went back to sleep) hubs starts texting. Now he has B&D fetishes and although that has never really been my thing.. ( well some of it sometimes) I use to do that for him. But as you can imagine the more he talked about it the more I cried. He wanted to do this... he wanted me to do that.. etc. I wanted to get in my van and RUN!!!!! I couldn't tell him about the "dream" the past night.

He came home and we did a few of his things that he likes... I started crying real heavey and I know that freaked him out. He stopped pretty much then....

OK ... bad part over.... Then we go out and have a real nice meal. Go and upgrade my cell phone to a real neat phone ( my other had gotten run over one night) Went to the store and he gave me $300.00... I bought stuff for the house cigs etc and still have some money left. Have to pay DTV and water bill too... but hey he GAVE me money I did not have to ask... or get mad a throw a fit... or beg...????

Then we go buy our friend ( the one I didn't call) an Ice Cream Cake because Feb 14 is his Birthday.... hubs said it was because he was glad the GMAN is there for me when he is not.

OH BTW.... He also brought me home a 12 pack of beer... of which I only drank 3.

We come home.. I drink the 3 beers and go to bed. Had a few dreams .. but nothing too bad .. just weird..... Then we went back to the store and bought some computer ink and Recordable DVD's and he actually paid for 1/2 of that???? Watched the Daytona 500 and I picked me out a fellow that I will root for Jamie McMurray.... but anyway...

Things seem to be good now.... I am so glad that I did not go "OFF" or really say anything. But I do not understand it.... why the what I call games???? Why get me so upset and then be nice to me???? Like I said Roller Coaster Ride!!!!!

I THINK>>> now remember I am not a doctor..... Like he is afraid of loosing me. He is 15 yrs older than I . And he will not ever find another woman ( or it would be rare) that would do the stuff with him that he likes to do. He actually hurts me at times... I do not know if he means to or realizes it... but I think that is one of our problems... I DO NOT WANT to do those things anymore or at least not as often. It would be nice to just make regular love sometimes.... PERHAPS... by him holding back the money he is trying to prove to me that I NEED him... I am not too ugly and most of the time I have a good personality and yeah I can get a man if I want one .. ( but I don't really)

He said Friday night that he felt like he was coming in 2nd again .. I asked to what my depression??? He meant my "NEW" friends... I have been talking on the CB radio and going to NA and I have made some "friends" or at least people I spend time with. I think he is Jealous and scared. I have always been a loner .. except for him. He was always my world... and still is in many ways.

However Christmas Eve he told me that he was Dying. ( We hadn't had a whole lot of sex for about 2 yrs.. almost none the last 6 months.. I thought it was my fault, the weight gain etc... me getting older, the grays in my hair) He said it was because he had cancer and he could not have sex.... so I believe this for a few weaks.... and now the past 2 months.. he wants sex 3 or 4 times a week.... So do I call him a liar???? I think so .. but I will leave that alone too I suppose....

But any who... with the threat of him dying.. I went on to get closer to my friends and make more friends and aquanenteces... I did not want to be alone after he died...

What do want?? To not fight with him all the time. I want to get a job or carreer... etc.. so that if he does die or get disabled we or I ( whatever the case) will be able to survive. I want to keep my friends... I am starting to like people for the first time in my life. The SEX??? well I can do what he likes sometimes... I am willing to do that... But perhaps we can do what I like sometimes too????

It has always been a he is in "charge" relationship... but I am not 19 anymore... can we not be a more "WE DECIDE" thing??? OH>>>> I CAN DO THE HIM IN CHARGE AGAIN.... But it would be the same as prostituting myself... doing something in order to get something... not because you want to or enjoy it... ( Does that make sense???) I would never feel good about myself. ... even though he is my husband.

Do you know that feeling you get ... right above your stomach.. when you are doing something or allowing something to happen that yo do not want???

He was abused and dominated as a child and perhaps he just does not know how to show "love". In a perfect world we could go to marriage counseling or maybe even be able to talk about this kind of stuff...

Well I think I am rambling now.... but things are ok right now.... for now... tomorrow may be another dip in the roller coaster ride..... but thank you for listening and letting me sound off.. I can talk to F2F people .. but they may tell other people.... again .. thanks for listening...

OH yeah.. I am still going to look into a job.......

JT

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