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emotional blackmail


dev2009
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hi,

I have posted my background story here.

http://community.mentalhelp.net/showthread.php?t=1078

I am trying to figure out a few more stuff in relationships.

I was emotionally numbed for the most part of my childhood.

Only recently with help of counseling, I am becoming more emotionally aware and expressive.

my question how do you not have emotional blackmailing interactions? for example with your gf/bf, essentially doesn't it involve some sort of emotional blackmail(you are the bf/gf).

This is kind of foreign to me cos all of my life I have only seen guilt and fear manipulation interactions.

-dev

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Are you thinking if you are not playing the game, so to speak, would your partner stop playing too and then there would be nothing to keep you together? I agree that the difficulty you are having started with the relationship quality you had with your family growing up. Those patterns are so insidious... for me too. However, you are becoming aware and are asking good questions. Perhaps you learned to always be in control in relationships, because otherwise there wouldn't be one. How do you feel about not always being in control and discovering what is there? How are you with empty silences?

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yes.. something like that.. I dont know how to interact otherwise.

I suppose so..part of game playing was to be in control.

it's hard and scary not being in control...:)

How are you with empty silences? hmm. not really sure what you meant "finding my way"..

I don't do to well with silence easily..need to lot of stimuli to keep going...

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It could be a place to start. When you allow a bit of silence in, you find out who you are when you are not controlling everything. At first who you are might be anxious. See if you can just breathe and listen to yourself breathe, or whatever is going on in the environment. Some would call this meditation. Maybe 2 minutes is all you can stand. Then just do 2 minutes. If you can become comfortable with not controlling everything for 2 minutes that is 2 minutes you never let yourself or your mate have before. The end point is not to be silent all day. It is to get comfortable with relinquishing some control and liking who you are anyway.

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Guest ASchwartz

Hi Dev,

I believe a good idea for you might be for you and your girlfriend to enter couples therapy. Because you already have a therapist you might discuss it with him/her and perhaps your therapist will see the two of you as a couple. You see, in that way, the therapist can see what happens between the two of you including how you try to "manipulate" and then help you to stop doing that.

Allan

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