about me

[Proverbs31:28]

I have 2 main diagnoses: major depressive disorder and general anxiety disorder. It began with a diagnosis of post-partum depression after my second child in 2001. I recovered from that (or so I thought) and managed to become very successful in my career, with a good income, 2 great kids and a miserable marriage. In 2004, I began having symptoms of anxiety but my doc kept telling me it was depression and put me back on anti-Ds. I got worse. Long story short, I OD'ed on the anti-Ds. I was rushed to the hospital and, after a day in the hospital was admitted to an inpatient mental unit. I was appalled at where I had ended up and worked hard to get better, get home and get back to work. 9 days later I convinced everyone I was fine and had just made a mistake. I wend back to work, full force, and faced all of the other issues. 2 months later, I OD'ed again. This time, I could not convince them I was fine and finally I got a p doc who listened to me and diagnosed me with severe anxiety which had spiraled into a major depressive episode. After intensive therapy, I left my husband, went back to my high paying job and moved my kids to a new house to start our lives over. Everything was great for about 6 months. Then, another major depressive episode and back to the hospital I went. I have been hospitalized 4 times for major depression. I am on Zoloft, Xanax and Trazadone but have tried many other meds. Every day is a struggle for me. Most days, I do not leave my house unless necessary. I drop my kids off at school (too much anxiety to let them ride the bus) and then go home, close all the doors and windows and hide from the world until it is time to go get them again.

I hate my life. I feel trapped. I am no longer working and barely surviving on SS benefits instead of my nice income. My kids are the only sunshine in my life. When they visit their dad's every other weekend, I spend the entire time fighting the urge to swallow a bottle of pills. I ocassionally cut and ocassionally purge but mainly out of self-disgust, not part of any bigger diagnosis.

I found this site after taking a depression quiz which said I was suffering "major depression." I was not surprised.

[Mark]

Hi Lifeless, and welcome to our community. I am sure you will find you fit in here. Even though we're just getting started (the community is about 5-6 weeks old now), there are a number of people here with similarly intractable depressions and ongoing suicidal urges.

I'm truly sorry to hear that things are so difficult. It is good that you are in treatment for your issues. Certainly it can take a while to find a combination of medicines that works well for each person (and then over time it can shift ...). Have you tried some of the psychotherapies that are available for depression, like CBT? or the simpler but still quite powerful things like developing a vigorous exercise program, or a meditation practice? These things can be difficult to do when you are wanting to withdraw, but some people find them great sources of relief.

Mark

[Proverbs31:28]

Thank you, Mark. I am wondering what does "intractable depression" mean? Is this a form of depression? I have never heard that term used. My official diagnoses are major depressive disorder and general anxiety disorder. I have several smaller disorders that are outgrowths of those 2 diagnoses such as mild OCD and social anxiety.

I have been in CBT. It took me 3 different therapists until I found the right one for me. Then I moved away. I am at a point where I realize I need to find a new therapist and return to therapy, but I have serious trust issues and am terrified of starting over with a new therapist. The problem I have with therapy is that I don't like being "pigeon holed" as many therapists seem to do. For example, I had a therapist tell me that the way to beat perfectionism was to start doing things imperfectly on purpose. (i.e. purposely folding my towels improperly.) This makes no sense to me and I explained that if I intend to do something imperfectly, and I do just that, then I have done exactly what I intended and it is therefor perfect. This particular therapist could only say "but thats how we treat perfectionism and OCD." I finally found a therapist who recognized that my thought process is a little skewed and I tend to over think everything, including their advice, so she was willing to work with me on my level. Not using methods forged for the masses.

I have tried exercise, though I do intend to give it another try. I tend to let my mind wander while I am walking/exercising and next thing you know I am having thoughts I am trying to avoid. (suicide, desperation, etc.)

I likewise have had no luck with meditation/guided imagery because I lose focus and concentration- both of which have been whittled over the past few years.

I am certainly interested to hear from others who have found successful ways to manage their depression. I am at a point where I have finally accepted that depression is part of my life. But, I definitely need help in finding ways to manage it better, if I am going to live with it.

[jennifer]

I have gone back and forth between cutting myself, but it has been about 5 or 6 years since I last did it. I understand all the reasons for doing so, it use to calm me down when I felt hysterical. I decided that I no longer wanted to cut myself because it never got me anywhere. It felt horribly good to do it, but my arms were scarred and still are. Sometimes my mind wanders back there when I feel I can't handle my emotions, but because I have children, It is not something that I want them to see. I truly care about what my children think about me and I couldn't imagine my little girl doing that to herself. If you keep wanting and trying to beat it, eventually you will become stronger. I have stated on another site on how I deal with depression, because I know it is here for life...I just want there to be more good days than bad days! I've heard people say that "Life is what you make it" and that is harder to do than said, but I have heard myself say that to the person that I live with because he is finally dealing with his problems in life and he is depressed and hates everything and everyone, including his own family at times. His thoughts are all over the place and he follows up on his irrational thoughts. I am watching this and realizing how far I have come in my own depression...it is still there, but I am trying to have some control over by not hurting other people intentially. I don't blame others for my problems.I find myself reaching out to him and explaining why he feels this way.That he needs to look at life and see what is special there and who loves him and needs him in there life(Like our children).

I say, the best thing to do is read about spirituallity, any form whatsoever. I use to use "Sylvia Brown" as a mentor for me, sounds funny, but she makes me feel closer to God than anyone else ever had. Talk to people who seem to love life and truly care about you. Have you ever tried church? I have never been around so many caring people! What you are doing right now on this site has to be something, for I know that I have only been on it for a week and it gives me something to think about in my day(and night,since thoughts have been running through my head from all this writing. And accept yourself and understand that what you are struggling with right now, is suppose to be your fight in life. Show them what you got! Some people lose their child, or friend, or spouse;some struggle with disease;others lose limbs...the list goes on and on of the struggles in life, and how good it must feel that by the end of life, to adknowledge the fact that it just might have been worth all this pain, for so much was learned! This is what keeps me going... I am 28 years old, but I feel what I have experienced in life so far, has given me so much strength and spirituallity, and I realize what I do have that is important to me in life.

These are my thoughts on life, how else do you get through your days?For you must be doing something, to be still reaching out and surviving.