Narcissistic Parents?

[reallyconfused]

After the first session with my therapist he suggested that I read a book called The Narcissistic Family. I read the book and I identified with a lot of issues. He told me that is most of my problem, I had parents that did not "parent", they were only into themselves and ignored my needs so I am now clearly having effects from this. I had been to a couple of other therapist in my life and never once did any lay the blame on my physically and mentally abusive drug and alcohol addict father nor my mother who ignored the abuse until he left then started abusing me after he left. The first therapist sent me to a doctor who prescribed me drugs and then died after my second appointment (yeah that really made me feel better, I was complaining about how my life sucked and the guy was dying from cancer). Then several years later I started seeing a therapist who told me I need to get over it and would B.S. through the sessions. Then started about the "real" stuff when my visits that insurance covered ran out. He had enough nerve to call me at the begining of the year to see if I wanted to come back since my Mental Health coverage started over on Jan. 1st. Yeah Right. After my vacation fiasco (please see my posting history), I started seeing someone new that came highly reccomended from someone I really trust. After the first visit he opened this whole other reason behind my behavior issues. I was wondering if anyone else has had this issue addressed. I would love to discuss it futher.

[Dazed]

Hello friend,

I didn't go through therapy so I have no say in that matter but let me share with you my own experience in terms of parental issues.

I'm one of those people born with a different kind of a mother. My dad left for the Middle East (typical of 3rd world country fathers) to work. My siblings and I were raised by my mom. To tell you honestly, there wasn't a day in my teenage years that I was either dead or wished that I belonged to a different family.

My mother, she was loud, and very unsupportive. She'd rather tell us of her own success stories than encourage us to forge our own success experiences. Every time I engage in something new, she'd emphasize on my weaknesses such as: "You have asthma, you can never be a scout", "You? play basketball? You're fat! And you're too short, they'll never pick you! You'll just end up being the water or towel boy.", "I wasted money for your swimming class and you had the worst performance, why should I send you to a summer camp?" And the list goes on. And when she was on her reminiscence mood, she would gloat about how talented she was, how she was always the leader, etc. This went on and sometimes, is still happening.

I HATED her. High school was hell for me but when I entered college I made a decision that things would change. I went to nursing school and then she told me of stories of how she shouted and scolded nurses for not getting things right the first time as if that would encourage me. There came a point that she crossed the threshold, I couldn't handle it anymore. We had physical fights and I remember the cops being called when I slapped her in the face because she wouldn't her verbal barrage of insults against me. My aunts intervened of course and sent the cops away. I ABHORRED her but I knew I also needed her for financial support.

One day, my father went home for a vacation and throughout his stay, they were always fighting. I have no issues with my dad and seeing as how my mom was blowing my time with my dad, I sided with him. My mom hated me and my sister for what we did. My sister held more hatred for her than I did. One afternoon, after coming from school, I thought no one was home. To my surprise, I saw my mom in the master's bedroom and she was crying. She told me "You love your dad more than me? After all I did for you? After I had to pawn my jewelries just to send you to school? After I had to borrow money from my sisters when your father failed to send money? After how much effort I made sure that you will have a nice and clean home to come home to every night? After I made sure that you have a warm meal every meal time? I did all of those for you but you can't see it? And I'm the bad person here?" She just asked me to leave. I felt a deep and profound sadness in my heart despite my hatred for her but I ignored it.

The following day, we had a debate in class, it was mothers vs children (yup, I had old classmates in nursing). Of course, I was part of the "I hate my mom group" and the moms braced themselves for attacks coming from teenage and young adults who didn't like their parents. They made arguments and one of them pierced me "Every mom desires the best for her children but not all moms know how to show it to their children".

Eventually, the family problem patched-up. And my mom was back to gloating and killing our egos. That's until we took on Psychiatric Nursing. I began to understand how I was feeling against my mother and I began understanding her as well. I did my own research about her childhood and my grandma's childhood and I found out that the parenting style of my grandma was harsh. My mom grew up in a very competitive atmosphere, she had to get scholarships to finish college, and in her house, crying was a sign of weakness. Instead of getting encouragements from her mom, her mom taunted her because she was crying. I don't understand why but that's the only parenting style she was familiar with. And I wasn't about to swallow it up and pass it on to my future children. I had to put a stop to it, and I placed it upon me since I was the one who understood the situation.

One day, when my mom was at it again, gloating about her "wonderful" achievements, I mustered the strength to confront her. I started calmly but all of a sudden, she became so guarded and started to point out my flaws and that it was only me who views her like that. Eventually, I had to reiterate and explain why my dad, my elder brother, and my elder sister acted that way towards her... with resentment and anger. When she couldn't take it anymore, almost shouting, she suddenly started crying... a lot. I cried too and I told her what my classmates told me "your mom may not be the best mom, but she is the only one you have. Instead of looking for a perfect mom, you should perfect your relationship with her". My mom you see, has little or no ability at all to empathize or feel remorse towards other people when she hurts them.

She apologized to me and explained that all the while, she was telling us the worst scenario in the hopes that it will make us more careful and do our best to become the best. She never intended to scare us or to kill our dreams. She cried again.

We went far from there. I don't hate her anymore and in fact, I am very happy and proud of my mom, I dare not ask for another mom [anymore] because I know that God has a purpose for her being mine. I love her and now that I understand her, I don't feel hatred for her anymore. I explained this to my sister and although she hasn't let go of the mistakes of my mom, she's slowly embracing what happened and is developing a better relationship with her now.

My mom still gloats and still bashes our dreams sometimes (it has decreased a lot) but we just nod our heads whenever she does that and we can now effectively, and in a healthy way, set limits whenever she crosses the line.

I hope this helps and shed some light.

Best regards,

Edited April 27, 2009 by Dazed
Typos and grammar