Unable to Move On

[Michael_L]

I've been stuck in this position for 4 years now. I'm cannot seem to feel emotional attachment in a romantic relationship. It gradually came to be like this after my fist girl friend dumped me 4 years ago. Since then I've had two relationships, purely platonic, both ending on my frustrated request; and one right now, purely carnal. It's really torturing to have somebody next to you and being unable to reach out to them. I would really appreciate any help from anyone, thanks.

[finding my way]

Michael_L, your feelings could still be back with your first relationship. Trauma will do that, suspend you in time, rendering you unable to fully feel what is going on right now. Would it help you to talk about what happened?

[Michael_L]

I've talked about it with some people, here it is. I met this girl when I entered junior high at 12. We liked each other from the very beginning, and finnaly developed into a romantic relationship in the third year, when we were both 14. We used to have violent disagreements once every few weeks, mostly on whether to have sex. We did, in the end, and quite a lot. It was as fulfilling as it could be for teenagers in the middle of puberscence. Then, we entered different highschools, so opportunity to see each other become less. One day some two months into high school, she informed me with finality that she's going to become someone elses girlfriend. Her explaination was that I wanted too much. I have to say we came from very different families, mine happy and intact, hers torn and gloomy. I think that's the reason I felt confident in making demands and she reluctant to comply. The situation now is that I can't seem to feel conpulsingly attracted to girls my age. But instead, I feel blood pump into my brain when I see younger girls. It's becoming more and more frustrating now that I'm getting older, away from that age group. Girls even accuse me of being a pedophile.

[finding my way]

Hi Michael, that is a young age to be so involved. Is it possible it was maybe too much for your developing self to process? Is it difficult for you to be single, so that you can sort a few things out before getting involved again?

Many of us have been or are in therapy. Is that something you would consider? A therapist could really help you get these issues from the past sorted out so that you can feel more emotionally present in your current relationships.

[Michael_L]

Psychiatric therapy is not generaly available in my country, see, so that won't be an option. I am sort of emotional and often find it hard to be rational when carrying out plans I made for myself. I keep telling myself to be reasonable but sometimes I get grasped by my emotions. I have been completely single for more than a year now, and don't feel like going into a relationship yet. Anyway, there's no suitable person I want to begin it with.

[tourdelove]

I've talked about it with some people, here it is. I met this girl when I entered junior high at 12. We liked each other from the very beginning, and finnaly developed into a romantic relationship in the third year, when we were both 14. We used to have violent disagreements once every few weeks, mostly on whether to have sex. We did, in the end, and quite a lot. It was as fulfilling as it could be for teenagers in the middle of puberscence. Then, we entered different highschools, so opportunity to see each other become less. One day some two months into high school, she informed me with finality that she's going to become someone elses girlfriend. Her explaination was that I wanted too much. I have to say we came from very different families, mine happy and intact, hers torn and gloomy. I think that's the reason I felt confident in making demands and she reluctant to comply. The situation now is that I can't seem to feel conpulsingly attracted to girls my age. But instead, I feel blood pump into my brain when I see younger girls. It's becoming more and more frustrating now that I'm getting older, away from that age group. Girls even accuse me of being a pedophile.

I agree that this is quite a young age to 'be' with someone. And looking for much younger girls than you are might be a sign that you haven;t moved on yeah, but could it also, that because of you difficult experience, you now can't see yourself as the mature person you have become?

A bit different situation, but it might give you some insight: I remember reflecting on what it was that I was looking for in a relationship [still do], and realizing that I always ended up with guys that were not 'established' in their lives, and that really frustrated me, as I wanted a guy who was [had a steady job, on his way to own a house, etc]. But the reality was that I needed to get established myself in order to feel comfortable, be able to relate with men that are. The next step, and also maybe even more important, is to align your perception about yourself with the reality... What I mean is sometimes, we perceive ourselves as how we were 5-10 years ago. For instance, I am more established now, I had to reflect on this and realigned my thinking about how I have changed and what I have accomplished, this, regardless of temporary set-backs...

Perhaps you are still perceiving yourself as not mature or not mature enough, as you were when you were with this girl, even though you are now... Is there a way you can reflect on how you are different now then when you were a teen, from an emotional stand point? Have your values, your need changed? What has changed in your situation from then? are there needs that you have that you think you can't get? Why are women you're own age not as attractive? Are there ideas that you hold on to, that prevent you from moving ahead?

Also, have you seen this girl recently, what she's become, etc? Maybe just reflecting on the very real possibility that she might not be now what she was before will help you as well, even if you can't get a hold of her... Or, maybe she's mostly the same, and you would be surprise to find out, you are not attracted to what this is anymore..

these a re all just suggestions of course... I am not a therapist so, take some, leave some... I just go from the questions I asked myself when I felt I was stuck in the past. and trying to give you some possible research avenues.

Please feel free to post again and let us know your new findings and reflections.

cheers

T

[Michael_L]

She hasn't changed much, but wouldn't say I still want anything to do her. Older girls scare me a little though, they SEEM much more mature than myself. I think you have a point here, and I have to work this out. Curently I have a girl whom I sleep with from time to time, 2 years older than me. Though we get on pretty well, I don't really feel comfortable. Having this girl was one of my efforts to overcome this 'young girl' complex, but it's not changing things deep down.

[tourdelove]

She hasn't changed much, but wouldn't say I still want anything to do her. Older girls scare me a little though, they SEEM much more mature than myself. I think you have a point here, and I have to work this out. Curently I have a girl whom I sleep with from time to time, 2 years older than me. Though we get on pretty well, I don't really feel comfortable. Having this girl was one of my efforts to overcome this 'young girl' complex, but it's not changing things deep down.

Well, that's a start M!

I'd say start by taking a look at your needs, what you really want, in different areas of your life, but including relationships, as identifying needs are easier than just going: "who am I....WHO the heck am I?" right? At any rate, like you say, it all depends how ready and willing to change 'deep down' that will ultimately help you make some changes and realign your perceptions with what is going on in the 'now'.

You seem like you want to make a change, so this is why I want to encourage you... I don't want to seem pushy, but at the same time, I really believe that it is a great addition to life to mature-out so to speak! As, in my experience, it doesn't mean you loose your spunk :eek: [hum, figure of speech here ah!], but rather, that you are better able to be happy, in the sense that you are better able to deal with what's going right now, and feel good about yourself. Going back to the drawing table does happen periodically, when you are mostly healthy, and you realize that in fact, you do have what it takes. Those old 'programs' can now get updated .

Another way to go about it, for me at least, when I can't seem to figure out what it is that I want, need, whatever, is to go in reverse: what is it that I don't want? What is it that I am 'afraid' to lose? You can actually make a chart and evaluate how these thoughts are or aren't so real scarrrrrry, as they usually aren't.

Then, of course, and not to deter you, but that's where the real work seem to start. Once you have figured out [for the most part], what are those 'old tapes' saying in your brain, you need to reprogram. Trial and error. By noticing when these thoughts come on, by stopping them and consciously telling yourself a new, updated thought, or 'affirmation', on and on, until the old defunct tape is gone, or mostly gone and doesn't make you react in a 'knee jerk' type of way. It actually works with me... I just have to keep at it.

I am sure there are a lot more techniques that you can use... I just don't know what they are at the moment... but I'll try to keep you updated if others come to me from my therapist or books, etc. And I am sure others on this site will have other, perhaps better ideas as well... Like I said, not a therapist... Just someone who is has and is still updating her tapes. But on a final note, I wish you all the best!

keep on posting!

cheers

T

[Michael_L]

<I deleted this post, because I think I have to clear up my own mind before asking for others' opinion. Thanks people>

Edited June 10, 2009 by Michael_L