Sitting here waiting to die....

[PetersPumpkin]

OK so my life sucks. Everything about it sucks. My ex is successfully trying to destroy me. I can't hold down a job. I feel like I'm losing my husband. My ex is trying to take my kids. I'm so stressed out that I feel like the only way out is for either me or my ex to die. I've been advised to call a suicide hotline or 911 but if I do that, there will be a record of me losing my mind and my ex will have the ammo he needs to take the only things that matter to me in this world. I can't live without my children and if they go, so will I. I will have no reason to exist anymore. I've been fighting for 3 years now, i don't know how much more fight I have in me. I'm bipolar and epileptic and all of the stress my ex is putting me under is spinning me out. Normally, I'm get my old friend Jack Daniels to help but I have no money thanks to my ex and all of his antics. My gas is shut off, I don't know how I'm gonna feed my kids. I'm at my wits end. Medication is not an option because I can't hold down a job long enough to get insurance. The mental health clinic is only open during hours I can't get to it because my husband can't afford to take off work and I can't drive due to my epilepsy. SSDI is not an option because I haven't been to a doctor in like 5 years and they want proof that I'm crazy. So now what.....

[jennifer]

Why is it exactly that he wants custody of the children? Is it for the reasons you stated in your post? I know it seems to be that you have lost mainly everything, and it is hard to get back up, but for your children's sake, you have to do so, for it is not easy to prove to the courts after losing custody, that you are stable and relationships might not be the same. Do you feel like he is out to hurt you or is he thinking of the kids well-being? I would think that the kids would like to be happy and would want you well too,so, maybe an arrangement could be made to allow that! To get your feet back on the ground. I was close to losing everything at one time too, and it felt awful, I felt like asking for help, made me feel like shooting myself in the head(sorry,but that is how I felt!)That created a drive in me to take the steps I needed to take to be strong.And at times, I felt that the children would be better off with someone with a more stable life in which they deserved.Show them that you will do anything for your kids,by getting help in anyway you can, and working hard to create that stable life, because the kids need both their mom and dads in their life! Keep trying!

[Proverbs31:28]

First off, I want to say I am sorry to hear you find yourself in this place. It is a horrible place. I know from experience.

As for your kids, please know I have had the exact same fear in the past. But, what I learned from my doctor and many therapists was that it is better to seek help for yourself than not because the courts will consider it in your favor that you recognize your problems and are getting help for them. I have delayed and delayed voluntary admissions to the hospital on 2 ocassions and both times I ended up admitted involuntarily. Thankfully, my ex did not use this but I truly feared he would. I hope you do not allow this fear to keep you from getting help. I have learned that if I get to a point where I feel like I simply cannot cope on my own, and it lasts more than a few days, to seek help. This has been a hard thing for me to do, but it works.

As for seeking SSDI, that is another thing that had me terrified. Despite being unable to work for 2 years, after trying for 2 years to return to work, and having my doctor tell me I should not work and should focus on my recovery, I still couldn't bring myself to file for SSD because of my fear of the system. I firmly expected a denial and an appeal and I didn't feel emotionally strong enough for an appeal. So, again, I delayed. If this is what will be best for you and your family, please don't avoid it because of fear. (I know- easier said than done. I am the proverbial pot calling the kettle black!) It will be hard to do, I am not saying it won't be. But, the SSA will send you to a doctor for an examination and they pretty much base their decision on his opinion. If you have other, better options, pursue those. For me, having dealt with it despite my fears and anxieties made me feel somewhat empowered. Something I truly needed. Like you, I felt like all of my power and control was in everyone else's hands.

I think you have taken a good first step by coming here and sharing. It shows you are willing to be open and honest about your feelings in seeking help. I hope you can figure out a way to get to a doctor or therapist and share as openly with them.

And, if worse comes to worse, please do call 911 or the ER. I can guarantee you it will be better for your children than to lose you all together. Then, you won't be able to stop your ex from getting them.

[PetersPumpkin]

Why is it exactly that he wants custody of the children? Is it for the reasons you stated in your post? I know it seems to be that you have lost mainly everything, and it is hard to get back up, but for your children's sake, you have to do so, for it is not easy to prove to the courts after losing custody, that you are stable and relationships might not be the same. Do you feel like he is out to hurt you or is he thinking of the kids well-being? I would think that the kids would like to be happy and would want you well too,so, maybe an arrangement could be made to allow that! To get your feet back on the ground. I was close to losing everything at one time too, and it felt awful, I felt like asking for help, made me feel like shooting myself in the head(sorry,but that is how I felt!)That created a drive in me to take the steps I needed to take to be strong.And at times, I felt that the children would be better off with someone with a more stable life in which they deserved.Show them that you will do anything for your kids,by getting help in anyway you can, and working hard to create that stable life, because the kids need both their mom and dads in their life! Keep trying!

No, my ex doesn't have the kids best interests at heart. He is out to annihilate me. Without a doubt. We were doing fine until he started this and he knows I have issues. He spent our entire marriage trying to push me over the edge and that was supposed to end in the divorce but he is a very hateful bully. He thinks he's better than everybody else and he proves it by stomping "little people" into the ground. Now he's married a woman who is the exact same way and they are doing whatever they can to destroy me. He doesn't want the kids, he's proven it time and again, he just wants to prove to me that I'm nothing. When this all began, I was pretty sane but he stole the kids from me and it took me 5 months to get them back. He wouldn't even let me see them or talk to them on the phone. There is no arrangement possible and the only way for me to be sane is by having my children around. They are well aware of what he has done, not because I've blabbed it to them but they are not stupid, the boys are 11 and 13. They are old enough to understand what is going on. THEY DO NOT WANT TO LIVE WITH HIM. I've never prevented them from seeing him, I'm actually the one who's always encouraged it. They didn't want to visit him at all, but I convinced them to go, then he took them. After years of watching him abuse me during our marriage and now what he's pulling in the divorce, my kids are rallying around me and harbor alot of resentment toward him. I try my best to help them understand that this is not about them, it's about me but kids have an uncanny ability to blame themselves. I have tried everything to resolve this, the fact of the matter is God hates me and it's not going to change.

[PetersPumpkin]

First off, I want to say I am sorry to hear you find yourself in this place. It is a horrible place. I know from experience.

As for your kids, please know I have had the exact same fear in the past. But, what I learned from my doctor and many therapists was that it is better to seek help for yourself than not because the courts will consider it in your favor that you recognize your problems and are getting help for them. I have delayed and delayed voluntary admissions to the hospital on 2 ocassions and both times I ended up admitted involuntarily. Thankfully, my ex did not use this but I truly feared he would. I hope you do not allow this fear to keep you from getting help. I have learned that if I get to a point where I feel like I simply cannot cope on my own, and it lasts more than a few days, to seek help. This has been a hard thing for me to do, but it works.

As for seeking SSDI, that is another thing that had me terrified. Despite being unable to work for 2 years, after trying for 2 years to return to work, and having my doctor tell me I should not work and should focus on my recovery, I still couldn't bring myself to file for SSD because of my fear of the system. I firmly expected a denial and an appeal and I didn't feel emotionally strong enough for an appeal. So, again, I delayed. If this is what will be best for you and your family, please don't avoid it because of fear. (I know- easier said than done. I am the proverbial pot calling the kettle black!) It will be hard to do, I am not saying it won't be. But, the SSA will send you to a doctor for an examination and they pretty much base their decision on his opinion. If you have other, better options, pursue those. For me, having dealt with it despite my fears and anxieties made me feel somewhat empowered. Something I truly needed. Like you, I felt like all of my power and control was in everyone else's hands.

I think you have taken a good first step by coming here and sharing. It shows you are willing to be open and honest about your feelings in seeking help. I hope you can figure out a way to get to a doctor or therapist and share as openly with them.

And, if worse comes to worse, please do call 911 or the ER. I can guarantee you it will be better for your children than to lose you all together. Then, you won't be able to stop your ex from getting them.

I'm sorry, maybe I should clarify, I've already applied for SSDI to no avail. As for the rest of it, if I were to check myself into a hospital and my ex were to get my kids because of it, I would have no reason to get better. I would have no reason to be alive. The last thing I want is to be somewhere where I can't put an end to my misery if I lose the only things I'm living for.

[Mark]

PetersPumpkin,

A few thoughts that maybe will help. First, if you are truly disabled without income and have a major mental illness like bipolar disorder, then your local community mental health center will be the place to look for care. The public health system (of which CMHCs are a part) is woefully underfunded, and few get all they want from them, but it is a way to access some professional care when you don't have other resources.

Second, you are very wound up right now and seeing things in very absolute terms. That's par for depression sometimes, but it is also not an accurate perspective from which to make decisions. It's like you've got it all figured out and there aren't any ways out and I just doubt that that is truly the way it is. Not that you don't perceive it to be that way, but I wonder if you are seeing things entirely clearly just because you are so depressed. Having the input of a third party (a therapist, a friend, someone online in a community like this one) can help you to reality test some of your assumptions.

I've seen a pattern (and have acted it out myself many times) that depressive people get into where they solicit feedback from people and then shoot it down. When that happens, the people giving feedback end up feeling helpless and so too does the person asking for help. Maybe what is really wanted is just to talk, or to share the misery? I don't know. It's just something to be aware of. If there is something you want from people or don't want, it's okay to ask for it, I think and the clearer the communication is, the fewer hurt feelings result.

I think Lifeless has a real point (or at least I hope she does) that if you don't make getting help for yourself a priority that will reflect badly on you if it comes down to a custody battle. Bipolar Disorder is a serious illness that really needs treatment on an ongoing basis or life can get out of hand in a hurry. Having a manic or depressive meltdown will not serve your purpose at all.

Mark

[PetersPumpkin]

What I'm looking for is someone who might understand that I've already pursued every avenue and follow every lead to find help that I can think of. I'm looking for ideas I haven't already thought of and attempted. Obviously, those aren't helping. I wasn't trying to discredit anybody or act unappreciative, I simply have already tried to do these things and it hasn't helped. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I can't drive, I have no friends, my husband absolutely cannot afford to take off work and there is no public transportation where I live in Podunk, OK. We are looking at trying to move to the city over the summer while the children are in California, and I'm sure I can get help there but if we can't afford to move, it seems all hope is gone. I'm forced to try and get any help I can from this stupid computer, which I wouldn't even have but the pawn shop refused to take it the other day! This is it. This is the extent of my relief.

[Proverbs31:28]

When do your kids leave for California? Soon? If so, here is what I would do if I were in your shoes.

Once they are on their way, I would pack a bag and head to the neareat ER, explain that you have been suicidal, that you are depressed, a diagnosed bipolar and you would like to get help. My guess based on past experience is that they will ask you to do voluntary admission. If you refuse, they can order a psych eval and admit you anyway, but it always better to go voluntarily. Once admitted, you will have access to doctors, social workers, therapists, everything it sounds like you need. They can help you work through issues with therapy, get you on a medication regimen and, possibly, even help you get funding for the meds. They can also help get you set up with an outpatient clinic- sometimes they even provide transportation. I went to an IOP (Intensive Outpatient Program) after being discharged a couple of years ago and several of the patients there were picked up by a clinic bus and brought there because they had no transportation.

That's my .02. I am not bipolar, but I have been inpatient several times (3 times involuntarily, once voluntarily) so I know they have lots of resources and they try to get everything lined up before they discharge you.

[PetersPumpkin]

Thank you, I will consider that. I just can't take the chance that ex will find out and use it against me. Please understand that this is EXACTLY what he is hoping for. This has been going on for 3 years now. He deliberately tried to make me lose it while we were married to the point that my shrink begged me to leave him. He's very abusive and he is a big time bully. That's what scares the hell out of me. There is true evil in this world. He proves it every time I come in contact with him or he serves me with more and more papers. I've held my own thus far but I'm just really getting tired now. I will see what I can find out about the ramifications of admitting myself, but if it comes down to my sanity or losing my kids, I'd rather lose my sanity. I won't need it if they're gone anyway.

[PetersPumpkin]

They leave the end of this month.

[Proverbs31:28]

Hang in there, hon. I am not trying to be judgmental, at all, and hope you do not think I am. I have been in a similar situation and, like you, would have no reason to go on without my kids. But, as I said before, my psychiatrist (who I met while inpatient and absolutely LOVE) and my previous therapist BOTH told me it looks better for you in a custody dispute is you actually sought help for your issues. The reason I suggested you wait until your kids are in CA is it would allow you the freedom to seek treatment without your ex finding out. I truly hope you get some help soon. Anytime you need to talk, I am here.

[PetersPumpkin]

Thank you very much. I appreciate that.

[nightfalls]

HI Peterspumpkin

First I wanted to tell you how deeply saddend I am to hear of your struggles. I wish I could tell you something that could help you. I hope that you are able to get the help you need and deserve without your ex finding out or troubling you with more stress. Is it not confidential if you go to the hospital? I think it would have to be. I think if you explained this situation to a dr. they could reasure you of your confidentals.

I relate to a peice of your post, I will not say, but my empathy is there

I wonder how much of your environment has contributed to your mental health and troubles. Hopefully when all the stressy papers are finally settled you will be able to gain strengh individually again. I hope you can find a T or Dr that can support you through this hard time and remind you to keep your feet firmly planted down on the ground regardless of what your ex may say or do to try and shaky you to fall. Try and stand tall, get help, become strong.

Please take care!