I feel alone

[Ob1one]

Now I have made posts like this before but just think of this post like me needed help on an evolving problem. Maybe I'm only posting this to vent but either way I would still like advice on this problem.

So on that note. Because of my aspergers I'm more of an isolated person and i do this to myself because I find it hard reaching out to others. Now I have trouble with this because when I look at myself in the mirror all I can really think of that I am a great leader. If put in a leadership situation I can keep the team together and keep them prioritized and when I'm leading the acually see another stronger side of me.

Whenever something like this happens is when its summer camp and we're doing some exercise or if everyone else doesn't want to be leader. Its almost like when I see myself I think how can people respect this. Look at that guy over there who knows every single person in school, hes in great shape, everyone loves and respects him. Now lets looks at me, I have a great face but I'm 230 pounds my arms are scarred up and my legs (Look down) "PUKE!!!" this is what they have to look up to, I'll never be the guy who people come to for advice or come to me so I can wrap my arms around them and just listen. I'll never be the star of a party even though I don't like parties but still.

I'm a great guy always willing to help, always resepectful, always willing to hear a person and then see if I could help them fix up that situation. But thats just my public person. When I'm alone I listen to music that would turn a sane man psycho, I used to cut myself to cope, I curse at my computer every five seconds, I used to meditate on thoughts of anger just building up until I'm practically ready to kill someone. Pretty much my bad side is when I'm on my own. With all the good people see a lot of times things are skin deep and with all I hold in in public I end up having to deal with alone at home in a dark corner.

I do have a lot of friends but with a lot of them when I'm with them I can see them thinking about how weird I am just by looking at their eyes. One friend of mine will keep looking away, kinda rolling his eyes, very quiet, when I make a joke he doesn't even respond. Then his friend comes out, he lightens up he laughs and he actually seems to be enjoying himself. I know that's not a good description but just trust me I know for sure. He thinks I'm not getting what hes thinking but I understand every little sign hes giving off in his eyes and in his body language.

Its pretty much that all but my very closest friends pretty much think I'm a joke and are just being nice to me. Its not fun having people be nice to you when you know how they really feel. What really stinks is above all this my closest friends that I've known since kindergarten in church have moved on and this very close group know only lives on memories when we get together. I don't know if some of you know there feeling of being though as weird and a freak with so called friends and then losing the friends who actually enjoyed your company the only people you could actually talk to and know that they loved you as a brother.

Now I'm sitting at home all alone. I play computer all day, I work out alone, I go to church, and all of that time I'm simply alone. Now as an asperger we are normally good with this but if I didn't have aspergers I would surely go insane so I guess in the end this syndrome is really a gift.

Now I would like to be with people but my principle stands that I will never change to what people want me to be so I can be accepted because I see that as giving up. If I did that I would never I wouldn't be able to look in the mirror because all I would see is a weak coward who couldn't take it and gave up and that will never happen.

Like I said though I would like to be with people but I want to have relationships with people who like me for who I am. I want to be friends with that one guy who's just your brother forever where you have such a close relationship your just there for him no matter what. Also one of those relationships where you can just tell him I love like a brother in a group of people because that is very uncomfortable having a boy tell his boy that he loves him in a group, people get the wrong impression.

I really care about having a close relationship maybe even with just one guy and then having a wife and then I'd be set and happy. Problem is me being such a weirdo and a freak, and a misfit its like will that ever happen to me or will I just be alone for the rest of my like, that's pretty much it.

[finding my way]

Ob1one, have you ever been able to meet others with aspergers? I've heard there are a lot of support groups out there. You have always been a welcome participant here:). I'm sorry things are so lonely for you right now. I think lots of us can relate to THAT!. I don't see why you can't eventually find both at close friend and a wife. In the meantime, do what you can to be friends with you. Try not to be so hard on yourself for your looks, for example. Things are not over for you... not at all, you are just at the beginning.

[kaudio]

Hey Ob1one, please do not be too hard on yourself. As you say, this is an evolving problem in the sense that individuals each move through the different circumstances of their lives in their own ways. In your case, some of the challenges you have faced are readily and visibly appreciated by your appearance. These scars you describe may not truly reflect who you are, but certainly they show to others a part of something you have experienced. Yet, following on finding's point, if the members of the Mental Help Net community are any indication, there are many people who face difficulties that are both personal and private. For such people their challenges are known to themselves, and only to others at their convenience. Thus, it is quite likely that even some of your good friends may be going through their own difficulties in their own ways.

With that in mind, friendships often change in quality as time passes. Some move away, some become distant, and, of the friends who stay, there may be some among them who approach the category of 'like a brother'. But, in order to have and enjoy the company of such friends, one must always be prepared to make more friends because few are so fortunate to find one friend who is like a brother, then a wife, and then becomes generally set in all his worldy relationships. This does not mean that you must be the star of the party, but I think your goal probably requires an openness to recognise opportunities to meet new people.

As a suggestion, how about swapping some of the time (two to three hours?) you use on gaming to volunteer with a group other than church? A local foodbank, library, YMCA, or anything else that comes to mind. This can be an opportunity to meet other people outside your existing social circles and age groups, and help out your community! Two birds with one stone, it's a recession busting deal

Edited June 7, 2009 by kaudio