Going Away

[JustTrying]

Evening. I am going to spend a few days with my husband. The "new" medication has not kicked in yet and I was rather suicidal the other night. Even though Jail is not that bad, I just couldn't make myslef go. I do call my PO though and I will have to go next week. I lied to him and told him one of the kids was in the hospital.

I sit here shaking.... is it nerves or alcohol withdrawl? I feel like my blood pressure is messed up, light headed. I don't have a way to check it.

For now it is best I go and be with my husband. He will be working but he will be there.

Until I get back! JT

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi JT,

Enjoy being with your husband. It sounds really good. And, you are right that even though he will be working at least he will be there.

Allan

[JustTrying]

Hi Allen,

I need a change of pace. Too much time here by myself to think. I will be spending most of the next 2 weeks with him . And although I wanted to drink one day, I don't drink around him. So that is an added bonus. I still have 3 days to do in jail time. But I am hoping to even then spend a few days a week at my husbands place.

I got my monthly and it does effect my cravings. I do not know if it does for other women but the week before , I crave alcohol. I try to keep track so that I know what is happening... and eating a few sweats tends to help.

Without the drinking perhaps the meds will kick better. I am still trying to reach my goal. Not sure about total abstinance, but perhaps take control back of my life instead of alcohol controlling it. I can't get to NA or AA meetings so I am just marking the days I don't drink on a calender. I suppose Hubs would take me if I asked, but he has changed his work schedule and all so that he can run me to my therpist and doctor appointments and the DUMB class on Mondays.

I say DUMB class.... because they read one page about an addiction ... Last week I learned how to sniff paint!!! And then they preach or tell a bible story for 45 minutes. He is a good speaker though... so the time goes fast! Faster than some NA meetings I have been to!!!!

I will keep in touch.....

JT

[paula]

Nice to hear from you just trying, keep up the good work!

[JustTrying]

Hi Paula! Long time girlie!

Will be taking one of the computers with me so maybe I can stay in touch! ( not to Jail but to hubs work)

JT

[finding my way]

Yes, please keep us posted JT!!!

[kaudio]

JT, it is good to hear from you, and to learn that you are well.

Could you ask a doctor to check your blood pressure for you? If that is inconvenient, some pharmacies feature blood pressure booths for customers to use.

[JustTrying]

Hello! Goto jail tomorrow night!

My blood pressure runs low most of the time.I don't know what to do about it. But I have read that as long as you don't feel like you have to vomit you should be ok????

I can only use the computer here at nightime. So I will check back in with you all Friday night and let you know all about BIG BERTHA!!!! Just joking, the ladies there were nice the last time and I did learn that I don't want to loose my life to addiction and end up in jail for yrs and yrs and that I must make some changes.

LATER, JT

[JustTrying]

Well I survived day 3 and 4 in jail..... just leaves 24hrs and I will go back in on Thursday.It really isn't that bad just real boring. They won't let you bring anythng in not even a book. They want you to buy it. But They don't have commisary (sp) on the days I am there.

Still sober. I had planned on getting a six pack and sitting in a hot tub when I came home. But I chickened out on asking Hubs to stop. Actually I am glad I did. #1 he would probiably said no.... #2 I felt better drinking 2 pots of coffee. Of course I may be up all night!

Teeter had her puppies while I was gone 2 Girls and 1 Boy. They are looking good. I knew she would be a good momma.

I "outed" myself tonight on another site. I had been banned and found a way around it and was trying to hide myself. I knew some people knew ..... but anyway... I may get banned again, but so be it. I still have this site and I can always goto others.

I am tired of hiding the real me. On the computer or in real life. People will either like me or they won't. All the drunken anger that got me banned from that site in the first place, has been replaced by a calm. I still don't know where my life is going, but it is changing. I dreaded so much turning 40 but, it is turning out to be a good thing. I am becoming more in touch with the REAL me the JustTrying ( aka Gabby).

I was told 2 diffrent things, that a geographical change would not help ( by AAers) I was also told to change my playmates and places I go. To me that is talking two contradictory things. But any way, I have sorta made a geographical change, I am going to TN with my husband quit a bit. And I have changed therapist - I am taking my meds like I am suppose to and like my name says.... Just Trying!

Thank you for letting me ramble! I will be home for a few days. And hope fully I can respond to some posts!

Hugs, JT

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Justtrying,

It's not only AA. It is true that changes in geography do not help because, "Wherever you go, there you are!!!

There are now medications that seem to help people stop drinking. They are prescribed by your regular doctors and do not need to see a psychiatrist. Have you considered talking to your medical doctor about this?

Allan?

[JustTrying]

Alan,

I truly can quit drinking when ever I want. I do not have withdrawal or physical cravings at all. I have the mental obsession. I sometimes wonder if I am alcoholic because I can drink for a week straight and the get up the next day and feel just fine. And I mean DRINK 24 or more a day. I should be dead.

I hate to get back on the AA thing ... and oddly I don't get the same feeling from NA... but, AA meetings use to give me cravings. At first it was the anxiety of going into a room full of people , so I would have to have a few drinks ( that is the PTSD) Then I would listen to some of the stories and want to drink. Or think man I sure don't want my life to turn out like that. Going to meetings everyday , Single and alone. AA my life! NOT for me!

I can go without drink, until I have the first one, then I loose control. I may drink one night or for 2 weeks. The past 22 days sober have been wonderful.I had set a goal of 30 days in order to see what my new depression med would do. I use to drink when I was depressed, be happy for a while and then get suicidal and more depressed..Endless vicious cycle. The new med SYMBYLAX seems to be working wonders , it is a combo of Prozac and something I can't remember right now. It makes me a tad manic but the Lithium seems to be balancing it out... or maybe I have finally found the right med combo and this is how I am suppose to feel.

I made the decision to today that instead of planning a drunk on day 31.... that I will change my goal to 6 mo to a year and see where life takes me. Be it AA or NA or just my therapist, or even church, I start that next Sunday.I can always go back to drinking later If life still sucks! But I need to give my therapist a chance and I need to discover the REAL me. I am not the kid in the crowd anymore, I am 40 yrs old . My place as the youngest has left a long time ago.

I am responsible not only for my recovery but, also for the choices I make in my life. I quit letting others make my choices long ago but I still blamed others for my shortcomings... It was always because so and so did this.. or so and so said that. If they would leave me alone I wouldn't drink so much.... NEVER MY FAULT!!!!

I am at a good point in my life right now. Not a "PINK CLOUD" I really feel good, I feel pretty confidant - although I have low self -esteem, I am working on that. I am reading and learning why I feel allot of the feelings I feel. Like In the Blast from the past post.... I understand more about the reason I do things the way I do by remembering the abuse we suffered at the hand of that man.

But that was yesterday... I cannot change that all I have is today. See! some AA did stick!

I am going to keep my AA/NA buddies and hit meetings when I can. My Hubs is taking me to my doc appointments and he is taking Mondays off to do so. Other than that I have no way to goto meetings. I do not have a sponser but my therapist gave me a step one worksheet and we were suppose to discuss it this week... she bailed on me and transfered so I see a new female therapist next Monday.

But to answer your question... I do not think the meds for drinking would help me.They can not get rid of the mental obsession. I have taken antabuse and would quit for 10 days so that I could get drunk. I took one that started with a R but if I wanted to get drunk I just wouldn't take it for a few days.

My mind is set on getting my life straight. That includes the alcohol but also other aspects of my life. My husband is sick. We have been separated for a while but are now getting along. I still have my place. If he were to die tomorrow I would be screwed. He supports me, I have only a GED and although I can and have owned and ran businesses, I really have no formal education.

To be honest I never planned on living this long. I wrote my life story for my therapist and I should have died a long time ago. The things I did, the risks I took, I really had a death wish.... I made it to 30, then I thought I will never make it to 40, well, I did. So now it is time to get my life straight and prepare for a future because it must be true " Only the good die young!"

I have rambled enough.....but it does me good to talk...

JT ( aka Gabs)

[JustTrying]

Well I made it through my last 24 hrs in the county jail. Had to sleep on the floor again.... I know jail is not suppose to be pleasant but it would be nice to have a mat to lay on at least. I am so glad I only had to do 5 days... They do not let you out of that cell at all and it is literally 4 bare walls you stare at!

I was just thinking a few minutes ago .. that for the first time in a VERY long time.... so long ago that I can't remember when I feel genuinely HAPPY. Instead of that look on my face that makes people tell me to smile, I have a small pleasant smile on my lips.... Nothing special has happend... I think I have finally found the right med combination. I feel healthy, I am eating right, I am getting enough sleep and I am getting out of the house. My husband is being extremely nice.... and no for those of you that know what I am talking about.... this is NOT a "pink cloud" this is genuinely feeling good about myself and what I am doing.

One thing that is making me feel free... is that I am not hiding things from Hubs anymore... I am being myself.. not trying to please him. I talk to my friends and tell him about it... yep , the guys too.... I say what is on my mind... I am letting him see the smart alec me! I figure if we stay together I got to be me or I will be misreable... He can stay or leave but I have to be true to myself first. As long as he stays like he is I want him to saty... not saying we won't disagree at times, but he is showing me respect for the first time in a long time... treating me like an adult.

I am in a good place right now. I look forward to my therapy and developing life skills that I missed out on since I started drinking at 12... from that time forward most of my life was spent figuring out how to get ALL MIGHTY ALCOHOL. I did other things, worked, raised kids, etc... but alcohol was always there. And in the past few years it has turned on me. It ran away my family and some of my friends. It took my health and my sanity by magnifying my mental illness. It almost took my life on many occasions and could have took an innocent persons by me driving. It wrecked I don't know how many vehicles over the years.

I just thought I would check in..... Maybe we can start a daily check in thread where we can just say what is going on.... maybe in the General section??? I may just do that and you all join in if you want... I feel the need to post lately. I do journal on paper but it is not the same.. My journal doesn't reply to me!!! LOL:).

BTW Wednesday will be the 30 day mark!!! Monday is 1 month since I started the new med.... Taking the next year to see what I can make of life... want to actually live, not exist...

JT

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi JT,

And, welcome back. It must feel good to be out of jail. It's not a nice place to be. I suspect that you have found the right combination of meds and also feel really good being out and free again.

Congrats on your sobriety and keep up the good work.

Just keep posting daily and let us know how you are doing.

Allan