Hopeless

[Aardvarkian]

When I face every single day I have to sit back and ask myselfIs it worth it? Is my life worth wasting on stress over some things that I just need to let go? No, its not worth it. Why cant I just be happy? I hate being in this mode where it is impossible for me to control my moods, where Im fine one second and then the next I have so much rage in my head that I want to break the nearest object or run from the room screaming or just curl up on the floor and cry until I pass out. I hate it when Im with my friends and theyre all having a great day and having fun, but Im feeling terrible and theres no reason for it. Im tired of being the one to bring down their good spirit cause Im not normally like that. Ive been told that I have to control my emotions very carefully. So how does one control moods anyway? You cant, you can try to contain them, try not to show them, but that doesnt stop you from feeling them. But I have to. Its to the point that if I let myself get mad ant anything for just a moment, my body cant take it and I start to have major problems. My vision blurs or doubles, I cant stand, I cant walk, I zone out several times in a span of a few minutes, I have those stupid seizures, I get a pounding headache, I shake, I have violent tremors, I feel extremely nauseous, at 107 lbs Im still freaking losing weight cause I can hardly eat half the time, and I get incredibly unpredictable mood swings that make me say things to people that I later regret. Im trying so hard to stop stressing over stupid things that nobody should over think like I do, but I cant, I cant stop, the damn thoughts will never stop. Never. Im losing sight of who I am, of what I want, of where I belong and it is scaring the hell out of me. I have no idea what to do and the scariest thing is that Im the only one who can really stop all this, but how can I do that if I am my own worst enemy? My self esteem is so easily shot down now and I have no idea why, Im starting to hate myself, and I know, I know, that this is not me. This is NOT how Im supposed to be. The real Chelsea is off somewhere and has left this ruined shell behind to go through everyday life, and I need to find her. Where the hell did I go? She probably needed a freaking vacation cause I can never stop thinking about anything. Who needs that 24/7? I am so damn tired of all this. I know I look weird to some people when Im fine, then all of a sudden I get pissed and start having neck twitches in front of them. I feel really bad for my closest friends when I unleash some of my rage on them when they dont deserve it and Im sure theyre tired of hearing about all of it. A long time ago I told myself I would never break, would never fall down from the pressure of having to step up to be a leader, to take verbal abuse from my parents, to grow up way too fast, to face things that I never thought would happen to me. I promised myself and others that I would not break and look at me now. Im falling apart, Ive broken down into God knows how many pieces and I dont know if Ill ever be put back together again. I feel absolutely helpless cause Ive let others down, but most of all I let myself down. Im furious with myself for becoming this way, for being so emotional, for not being able to control my own mind, for not being able to show my true self to people, for not being able to focus on anything except my anger towards my family, my unbearable loneliness, whether or not Im gonna lose people I love, and the thought of where Im gonna be in the future. What the hell am I supposed to do? Even with the feelings of fear, loneliness, love, excitement, anger, uncertainty, jealousy, confusion and contentment, I still feel empty, like Im missing something important in my life as it passes me by.

All I can think of is how to end all this.

[kaudio]

Hey Aardvarkian, how are you? Sounds like you've been going through a great deal, but it's good to see you sharing your thoughts. In many ways I can understand what you are going through. The pressure of being a leader, the shame involved in not holding up to the stress. But, maybe it's unreasonable to place yourself into the imagined position of leader. A leader carries a set number of responsibilities and sometimes people get carried away with what they imagine and expect of a leader. A leader's obligations become overextended as you build upon what a leader should be, making the role simply humanly impossible. Maybe a leader never cracks under extreme browbeating, a leader works day and night endlessly, a leader...etc. It's not fair to design unreasonable obligations for yourself and then beat yourself up over them when you don't reach them.

Generally that applies to other settings as well. You can't be everything to everyone. When others are happy and you are sad, you shouldn't need to cover it up because you're afraid of bringing down the good spirits. To feel sad is natural. How are you obligated to make sure that other people are in good spirits at all times?

Instead, maybe you should take a "selfish" perspective and take tasks one at a time. So, if you want to make someone feel good, choose to do it for yourself. Don't shame or obligate yourself to make someone feel good, just do it because you want to. Even if you complete the task, you can't control the outcomes either. For example, maybe you won't be able to cheer a friend up even when you try. The important thing - I think - is to enjoy the making of your choices and following them through step by step. You aren't "supposed" to do anything.

Did you follow up on some of the advice given to you earlier? I think it was about your therapy and DBT? I'm not very familiar with these treatments, but I'm sure they're worth looking into.

Have you been eating well and drinking enough water? If not, maybe you should pick up some multivitamins and flax seed/fish oil capsules for the omegas to supplement your diet.

The community will still be here too

I found the links about the Martial Arts of Fighting the Beast very helpful as well.

[Aardvarkian]

Thank you for your response. I realize that I put way too much pressure on myself to be someone who doesn't even exist. I got used to thinking that way when I had to be the one to take care of everyone in my family. But now that's over. I shouldn't feel like this anymore, I shouldn't expect this of myself anymore. It isnt fair to me. All of my coping methods are useless at this point in my life and I need a way to get rid of them and adopt new methods. I want to try DBT, I think that might help.

[Anonnymous]

sounds like a good idea DBT, what does your therapist think? Maybe you have high blood pressure, have you been checked for that? Are you taking any meds?

The anger can be from repressed memories of abuse or traumatic events in your life. I suffer from depression and sometimes it gets the best of me and I wonder about some of the same issues as you. I take my meds and see my therapist and practice being alone. Lots of times I go on walks or set out in the back yard and just concentrate on my breathing. I found by doing this I am more able to see my thoughts in my minds eye and thereby gain a better perspective. I also play with my grand kids and find it very relaxing. I wish I could tell you that there is a magic formula for overcoming your feelings of anger and anxiety but there isn't one. What works for me may work for you and it may not. I too have had thoughts of wanting to just get away from my feelings any way possible but realistically running away is not a solution. Trying to find the combination of things to help me cope has proven to be a challenge. I don't think I will ever really get over my feelings of hopelessness but I keep trying because I truly want to live and breath and be. try and keep in mind that there are people who love you and care for you and I wish you and yours the best.

[Proverbs31:28]

I really do not have much in the way of advice since I am struggling through my own despair right now. But, I wanted to day I have appreciated all of your advice and support to me. I am sorry you find yourself feeling this way right now and wanted to send you support and encouragement. Please take care.

[Pixeydust]

When I face every single day I have to sit back and ask myselfIs it worth it? Is my life worth wasting on stress over some things that I just need to let go? No, its not worth it. Why cant I just be happy? I hate being in this mode where it is impossible for me to control my moods, where Im fine one second and then the next I have so much rage in my head that I want to break the nearest object or run from the room screaming or just curl up on the floor and cry until I pass out. I hate it when Im with my friends and theyre all having a great day and having fun, but Im feeling terrible and theres no reason for it. Im tired of being the one to bring down their good spirit cause Im not normally like that. Ive been told that I have to control my emotions very carefully. So how does one control moods anyway? You cant, you can try to contain them, try not to show them, but that doesnt stop you from feeling them. But I have to. Its to the point that if I let myself get mad ant anything for just a moment, my body cant take it and I start to have major problems. My vision blurs or doubles, I cant stand, I cant walk, I zone out several times in a span of a few minutes, I have those stupid seizures, I get a pounding headache, I shake, I have violent tremors, I feel extremely nauseous, at 107 lbs Im still freaking losing weight cause I can hardly eat half the time, and I get incredibly unpredictable mood swings that make me say things to people that I later regret. Im trying so hard to stop stressing over stupid things that nobody should over think like I do, but I cant, I cant stop, the damn thoughts will never stop. Never. Im losing sight of who I am, of what I want, of where I belong and it is scaring the hell out of me. I have no idea what to do and the scariest thing is that Im the only one who can really stop all this, but how can I do that if I am my own worst enemy? My self esteem is so easily shot down now and I have no idea why, Im starting to hate myself, and I know, I know, that this is not me. This is NOT how Im supposed to be. The real Chelsea is off somewhere and has left this ruined shell behind to go through everyday life, and I need to find her. Where the hell did I go? She probably needed a freaking vacation cause I can never stop thinking about anything. Who needs that 24/7? I am so damn tired of all this. I know I look weird to some people when Im fine, then all of a sudden I get pissed and start having neck twitches in front of them. I feel really bad for my closest friends when I unleash some of my rage on them when they dont deserve it and Im sure theyre tired of hearing about all of it. A long time ago I told myself I would never break, would never fall down from the pressure of having to step up to be a leader, to take verbal abuse from my parents, to grow up way too fast, to face things that I never thought would happen to me. I promised myself and others that I would not break and look at me now. Im falling apart, Ive broken down into God knows how many pieces and I dont know if Ill ever be put back together again. I feel absolutely helpless cause Ive let others down, but most of all I let myself down. Im furious with myself for becoming this way, for being so emotional, for not being able to control my own mind, for not being able to show my true self to people, for not being able to focus on anything except my anger towards my family, my unbearable loneliness, whether or not Im gonna lose people I love, and the thought of where Im gonna be in the future. What the hell am I supposed to do? Even with the feelings of fear, loneliness, love, excitement, anger, uncertainty, jealousy, confusion and contentment, I still feel empty, like Im missing something important in my life as it passes me by.

All I can think of is how to end all this.

Wow...

Sounds alot like the way I feel sometimes, without the neck twitches and stuff like that, of course I don't talk to my friends anymore since I lost my job because I got sick, they fired me. I am a single mom with 2 kids without a job, my ex of about 8 years now didn't pay child support at first then he ordered to do so and back child support as well for quite awhile I received it then I stopped receiving it again because he got hurt on the job, then I just started getting it again last October only it is nowhere near the amount that he was ordered to pay....the state is paying it, how much does the state expect you to get by with with 2 children? Anyways, so, single mom (2 kids) not getting enough child support, had an ex husband that was abusive, that used to make her have sex with him everynight, that has seizures (me), no job, since I lost my job friends don't ever come around anymore, so I've lost my friends too. The only friend I have now is my boyfriend, which I can talk to about anything and everything. My kids and family and boyfriend are the only thing I have in this life and lately my family has been on my butt....mainly my dad and my oldest sister, sometimes my mom, but not often. You say that you are getting out with friends though, which is more than I am doing, I did go out to the lake with my kids the other day and it made me feel better. What you need to do is pinpoint when you started feeling like this and this will often tell you why you started feeling like this. Did a family member die that you were close to? Can you go to the doctore and get depression pills or something? Best of luck to you