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I feel guilty and in alter sate of consciousness


volume
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I struggle to find the right words to express my feelings.I feel in an alter state of consciousness,i feel guilty,stressed,i feel i can never relax,like i am hypnotized and i am programmed to be stressed and destroy myself.Although i use rational thoughts to calm myself the thing wich i am feeling is torturing me.I can never fully relax,even if i listen to music,or imagine something peacefully ,i can not let go,the more i try to relax and let go of this state the more harder it seems .It is an overwhelming feeling,of guilt,frustration,depression,it is a feeling from another planet.It feels i am fighting with myself,with my own mind,the more i try to relax and be realistic the more pain i feel and frustration,like i am hypnotized.I did not take any drugs,.Probably it has something to do with my father who was emotionally abusive with me and when when he would offend me and scream at me he would also explain to me why he is upset and i was listening very carefully to what he saying to me like i was hypnotized,he has aloud voice it felt like being in a transe when he was screaming at me.And now when sometimes screams at me i also seem to be hepnotized by that person,i focus all my attention uncosciously on the bad things he says about me and i try to tell me that they aren't true,i try to be realistic but at the same time i feel hypnotized by what that person is saying and feel very bad and guilty and stressed .

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Guest ASchwartz

Hello Volume,

Welcome to our community.

You father was emotionally abusive to you. Was there physical abuse as well? What about other types of trauma when you were growing up or more recently.

It occurs to me that your symptoms could be those of a person who was traumatized as a child, and not just once, and/or more recently traumatized.

Allan

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yes he sometimes abused me physically,slaps on the face.When i grew up he rarely beaten me,and probably once or twice a week he would offend me and scream at me.But the physical abuse was when i was much smaller and back then i didn't feel like this,i was doing much better than now.i i din't have this feelings.I started feeling like this,like in transe feeling guilty,depressed,that is how in feel ,in an alter state of consciousness,like i am programmed to feel depresed, when i was about 14-15 years old and now i am almost 20.

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Guest ASchwartz

Hi Volume,

Yes, it very much seems to me that you might be experiencing what we call Depersonalization and that results from severe trauma. It makes no difference how old you were and whether or not you can remember it.

Are you seeing a therapist?

Allan

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You said you have listen to music, but have you tried dancing? I have read on Project Weight Loss Dancing is a great way to let loose and have fun. According to Mayo Clinic researchers social dancing helps reduce stress, improve strength, increase body energy, muscle tone and coordination. Even more – according to the National Heart, Lung and Blood Institute, dancing lowers your risk of coronary heart disease, helps you manage your weight, decreases blood pressure, and strengthens the bones of your legs and hips. Dancing is a great aerobic exercise that has lots of heart-healthy benefits, also being a loophole for socializing.

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I do not believe i have depersonalization,or something wich is sever,i just can not accepted.The thought that i might be traumatized it kills me,i just can not accepted ,and i know that during my life i had many problems and they all seem harder but it turned out that was something minor.

I was saying in the previous post that my father abused me verbally and sometimes physically when i was younger and in that period of my life that i was feeling pretty good ,this symptoms appearead when i was older and when i started analysing more and when my father would only abuse me verbally.The point is i am not convinced i suffer from derealization because of the abuse,i always feel that doctors put wrong diagnosis on me.I just can not have confidence in the therapist and in the psychiatrist because i feel my case is different.

For example if i have to go to a meeting with a college professor-i feel very anxious(of course everybody says you have socia anxiety) but besides that i have feeling that i must go,like i am programed to although i do not want to

and get a mixed feeling o guilt,anxiety and a state of super concentration,tense,i feel i am not free,everything seem to force me to do something.I do not know if it is depersonalization or social anxiety,but it is state,an alter state of consciousness where i do not feel numb,i feel pressed,tense,frustrated,tied,depressed with the felling that i am in sthis weird state wich you say is depersonalization and i just do not know how to explain,just that it is very hard for me to accept diagnosis like deprsonalization and other because i feel my case is different

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And by the way my mind hold me back,because i fave the feeling that i am guilti and i will suffer continously for my cowerdness.That is why i say i am in transe,hypnotized,because no matter wath therapist say,i just can not beleve them.The problem is inside of mine,where i feel guilty and pressed to say the truth and bu the truth i refer to embarrasing things lik my sexuality,although i don no want o to tell it,but i fel programed to tell and i do no want to telll it.So you this whay i say my case is different

Edited by volume
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I do not know it is guilt,but it stresses me make me weak,i feel i am doing something wrong and offcorse i feel depressed and anxious.Do you think a hypnotis could help?because i can not accept suggestions like your good,you ha all the life ahead.I just cannot,but when i was younger this sugestion made woders now thy just annoy.I do not feel live a normal world,i feel stuck in weird but different world where everything is tense and hard for me,but i do not feel i am nout my body and watching life like a film

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Guest ASchwartz

Hi Volume,

Well, the word depersonalization or derealization is not a diagnosis. Instead, it is just a possible explanation for something you feel and nothing more. I agree with you and most of us do. No one likes a label and that includes me.

What did you think of Deborahmcna's suggestion about dancing? It is really true that dancing builds confidence and relieves stress???

Allan :)

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