Taking it slow

[tourdelove]

How many "strikes" do you let your new love interest have before you dump them? I know, this might seems harsh but, I realized that I need respect [don't we all?]. To me, it's 3 strikes you're out.

For me, a strike is, for example:

-Says we have a dinner date on Friday that he organized, then it's 7pm on the date night, and he hasn't called yet to make arrangements. I text him to check he hasn't forgotten or something and I do make it sound like I am a bit upset, I write: 'Are you still alive?" He replies, "yes I'm good! How are you?", Instead of, "we are still on for tonight, I just didn't see the time go..." Then I hear he was having beers with his employees, which is ok but... Doesn't make any allusion to the date, doesn't remember or care? We discuss it afterwords. I tell him I was upset. He says he is sorry... but doesn't explain what happened that made him do that.

To me that's strike one.

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- Strike two and three: We are at his place and kissing. He starts groping more than I want to as I don't feel comfortable yet [date 2]. I pull away a bit. He asks if 'I have issues', then he leaves me on the couch, apparently frustrated that I don't put out and goes to bed without a word.

Wow. Where do I find these guys?

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I don't see him for a few weeks. Then, see him at a random gathering. I am over him, but talk politely. Then we talk some more and I say that I was really turned off by his behavior. He apologizes profusely. Then we talk some more. Conversation is interesting and I see another side of him that is good... but not convinced. We see each other again and again at friends. talk, away from the others for hours. . He finally reveals that he was in fact treating me badly, as he has done for a while with girls. But now he realized that I am not like other girls... He asks me on a date again.

And now treats me very differently. He won't even try and lure me to his bed. Calls me to make plans for the weekend... Makes plans for this and that.

Mmmm. Can someone truly change their attitude?

Edited September 13, 2009 by tourdelove

[David O]

Hi Tourdelove,

I saw this quote at the bottom of your post and thot it was perfect: “Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option” -Mark Twain

This applies here. There is actually no right or wrong on this one, especially since this is still early in the relationship. The evidence for the change will be in his behavor over the long term. Essentially, if he truly respects you and treats you "like a lady," then there should be no other incidents like this again. But only time will tell.

I've heard it said by many men and women that after 3-5 dates, there should be sexual contact or they move on. I think that those who place a higher value on who and what they are will laugh at this-- my thinking is that sex follows love, it is a culmination or completion of a loving relationship and not the bedrock or starting of it. You will know when you're ready-- and if it takes 2 months, then fine; if it takes 6-12 months, then that's OK too. the issue is not really time tho, it's when you know you're ready to go further.

Stay strong and only, only show affection at the level you feel is right and if he can't respect that, then you need to boot his behind "out the door" and find another partner who will. It's that simple!

Good luck!

Edited September 14, 2009 by David O

[tourdelove]

Thanks David,

that makes sense to me. I don't want to move too fast because I am not sure about him. He's been demonstrating again and again lately that he might be good to me, but like you say, only time will tell, and actions, more than words.

We are a bit different too. But he's willing to try things that I like it seems. Yesterday we went on a hike. First hike he had in 10 years... But also, I think I am an opportunity for him to explore these kinds of things.

The other reason why I am not ready to jump forward too quickly is that I am not totally attracted to him physically. I think he's cute, but he's also big [250lb, 6'3"] and I am not used at all to that kind of physique. But it might be a good thing for me as it prevents me from getting too caught up in this. It's hard, I find to find a balance.