Suffering with lost of libido

[concrete_angel]

This is my story... I lost my father at 13 and through out my life I have lost some one close to me every couple of years. Never got any therapy to deal with the great lost that I have been through. I promised my self that I will never love any one to much or to deep, since I lose so many people that I got close to and loved. I feel that there is a part of me that has loved some one so much that I kill people.

So I started working in therapy on the lost of love ones in my life and my PSTD.. And I have notice that my libido has dropped very low. I have a stable marriage and I do love my husband. But my husband is starting to question why I'm not able to get close to him or engage to any type of intimacy. When I do engage in being with my husband... it's a feeling of I just want him to hurry up. I just worry that the stress of the opening the can of worms is going to start playing a negative part in my marriage.

I need some advice on what to do... I love my husband, and don't like the feeling of being numb when I'm around him..:confused:

[David O]

Hi concrete_angel,

What you're describing is not uncommon, but despite this, it's very painful and can really get in the way of your marriage which only makes matters worse. When things begin to go awry in a marriage, usually one of the first things to go is intimacy... soon it's just a mad spiral of hurt feelings, misunderstandings and a distancing for self protection or blaming the partner.

When my 1st wife became ill (Bipolar Disorder), the 1st thing that went south was our sex life. Of course, me being young and not too bright, I started to blame and resent her, which only made matters worse. One lesson, of many, I learned from this is that "if you're not minding your marriage, someone else will!" And that someone else was my best friend who carried on an affair with her for 18 months while he maintained this close tie with me and my kids (he too was married with 4 children). I would never suggest that this is what is or may occur in your situation as much as I want to emphasize that taking care of your marriage is critical, especially if there may be problems surfacing b/c of what you're going thru.

In therapy, when you start to explore very deep-seated stuff, especially such things as PTSD (particularly if it was a result of sexual abuse) and loss, it's hard to have sexual thoughts and urges. Your therapist should be also workng with you on this angle, making sure that therapy does not decrease/interfere with the marital bond. Most therapists don't look at this angle. Please bring it up in your next session and insist that while you need to work on your issues, that you also want some focus on this aspect of your marriage-- especially since you do love him.

What I tell partners is that they need to be engaged in certain behaviors to make sure that intimacy and affection remain strong. Telling your partner and being told told one is loved, making him and being made to laugh, doing something special (e.g., a weekly romantic dinner, walks around the neighborhood holding hands) with each other, doing fun things together, feeling understood & appreciated, feeling wanted, etc. Make plans for being intimate... buy a book of how to keep the fire burning and the furnace on.

I hope this helps. Good luck.

Edited September 16, 2009 by David O