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This is really getting to me. If it weren't for the few good people i meet every once and a while, i would be have lost all hope for humanity. I don't get why people can be so mean. I have been made fun of ever since middle school, and luckily i have always been one of the bigger kids in school. I used to wonder why people made fun of me, but now i know it is because of my self-confidence. I don't understand how people can bully people who are socially/emotionally weaker then them. I want to fix myself, i thought that i got over this in high school, but i guess i am subconsciously showing my low self-esteem. I didn't think i would be messed with like i had been in middle school, but i guess i was wrong when i thought that people grow up.

I never physically fought anyone other then my brother. It takes so much for me to finally snap. Sometimes people tell me that i bottle up my emotions, and that one day i will kill someone, but i never snap, i only get infuriated when some people intentionally try to make me angry. I never thought that anyone would ever make me as furious as my brother did, but today my roommate really crossed the line. It is a very long story, but today he was punching me, saying that he wants to wrestle, and i told him i didn't want to. We were arguing about something, and another of my roommates came in and told me to shut up. This pissed me off, so i called him something that yall wouldn't understand, but then the roommate who i had been previously arguing with started punching me again. I told him to fuck off, and kept blocking his punches. Me and the rest of the roommates went over to the other side of the room to eat some chips, and he kept arguing with me, and then he punched me in my stomach after i intentionally pissed him off by what i said. When someone hits me in my stomach it really gets me. I had to restrain myself from killing him, i acted like it didnt bother me. The worst thing was, was that my roommates acted like it never happened. After he left, i went in the bathroom and cried because of how angry i was. It seems like the only outlet i can use to release my tension. I dont know what to do, if he does this again, i won't stop beating the shit out of him until i go unconscious. I never thought anyone can make me feel this bad.

Edited by babaloo90
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I don't want to seem needy, but i can use any feedback. I see yall viewing my post, i just really need some advice on how to handle this. If my roommate does this again, i really think i am going to do something i will regret. I just have no idea how to handle this without talking to anyone else here in my barracks.

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Good morning babaloo90,

I see you're in the armed services, unless you're in some form of boarding school where you're housed in "barracks". Welcome to the community, I think you'll find us helpful, compassionate and at times even wise.

I remember being the victim of years bullying. When we first came to the US, others would loudly yell out insults, steal from us, throw things at us in public, and after school, bands of kids would ride around in their pickups and cars looking for lone walkers, who they would jump and beat with sticks, chains and via punching and kicking. I often wondered what was wrong with us, what we did to provoke this behavior in so many. Of course, we all know the answers now.

babaloo90, my first question has to do with you-- you're the common denominator here and have been for many years it seems. Is there anything in your behavior, style, mannerisms, physical appearance (are you strongly built, very thin, overweight, average, do you have certain tats, etc.) or speech that invites bullying of joking that crosses your boundary. Look very carefully that what you do or don't do, at how others have reacted to you based on your behavior, and see if you can find a thread that opens you up for this from them.

Secondly, when others begin to "bully" you, is there a reaction or something you're doing that sustains and reinforces bullying by others. Look at that piece also.

Thirdly, bullies are not guys with low self esteem or poor self image. New brain research (via imaging studies) have found that in aggressive teenage boys, the parts of the brain linked to reward – the amygdala and ventral striatum – light up when the boys view a video of someone inflicting pain. The same part does not light up with boys who are not bullies! Aggressive males had significant, intense activation of the amygdala and ventral striatum when they looked violent video clips, indicating that it's very likely that aggressive people gain enjoyment from viewing pain. On the other hand, the control group – nonaggressive males showed activation of different parts of the brain-- the medial prefrontal cortex and the temporoparietal junction. Both areas are associated with self control and self-regulation.

Fourthly, is it possible that this incident might not be bullying as much as it is horseplay and a bit of a pecking order game men play? Sometimes we've experienced something so often that things with a similar feel are interpreted to support our previous experiences when they may just be isolated incidents with no intent.

Lastly, are you in the armed services? This will help us better understand what you're facing and what resources you have.

Please write back.

Edited by David O
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Thank you very much for your response. It really helped me understand how people can be like that. I never understood how some people could be so mean, and now i do.

Yes, i am currently going to school for my rate in the navy. There are some things that set me apart from other people. I have a monotone voice, i am 6'4" and look asian. I am half asian, but i am generally seen as asian, and my height is what people first notice about me. Racism isn't really anything i had to deal with (thankfully), i joke with my friends about it, but that kind of talk is never meant to offend either party. I wouldn't say that i am ugly, or fat, i am just average (except for my height). I noticed how some people who are bullied do not have any social skills and can't really see how their actions affect the moods over people around them, but i can interpret peoples' bodies' and faces', and understand how what i say or do affect them.

I think that it may be because of how i react subconsciously to what people say. From what people have told me before, i guess it looks like i take what they say to heart, and that i show that i am hurt when they make fun of me. This really boggles my mind, because most of the time i don't care at all when people tease me. I say tease, because this is usually how it starts out. Normal people may tease, you know - a good-natured jab for fun, and thats that, they stop there. But malicious people, like my roommate, would keep teasing, until our relationship just becomes an abusive relationship where he just rags on me all the time. Whenever this happens i just stop hanging out with that person, and avoid them, but this is obviously not an option for my roommate. I don't know why i show these false emotions when people make fun of me.

One of my friends here in my barracks said that i was passive aggressive. But i know that he used the term wrong, because i looked into it online, and i dont think that term fits me. If anything i have social anxiety. When i walk into a room full of people i get very uncomfortable, i start touching my hair and face, and other nervous habits. And when i am around other people i usually keep to myself unless i know them. I don't know why i feel uncomfortable but i do. Especially when walking around in the open where there are a lot of people, i have gotten better, but when i was in grade school i remember being so uncomfortable and self-conscious that i would start to panic as i walk through a lunchroom and even start to think that i am walking weird (which i don't).

I know that this post may seem a bit random (jumping back and forth through my life), but i hope it helps you better understand what i am like. I am thankful and appreciative of your time.

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