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My long story of abuse - PART 1 **TW**


24KAuGuy
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I have written my story elsewhere on the internet and i have found that each time I write it it gets a little easier.

I think it's important for me to keep telling my story so with that in mind i'd like to share it here.

******I've come back after finishing this lonnnnggg post to add a Trigger Warning...I'm not sure of the procedure here for warning others so if there is anything else that needs to be done, please let me know********

******Parts of this post may be triggering, please be careful******

I grew up in a middle class home where both my parents worked. My mother worked before but stopped for a couple years after I was born. She stayed at home until my parents decided to move to a new home in the outskirts of the city.

I was three years, almost four years, old when we moved to our new house. We were the third family to move onto our street as the rest of the homes were in various stages of construction.

I grew up with the other kids that moved onto our street but became closest to the youngest son in the family who moved into the new home next door to my parents.

Our house was within walking distance of the school my older sister and (eventually) I would go to. We only had about a ten minute walk to get there - most of that was through a park/sports field managed by the city. The city park merged right into the large playground/sports fields of the school. It was, at first glance, quite a nice neighbourhood and place for me to grow up.

Unfortunately, it didn't stay that way for long.

I started school in September of the year i turned five years old. My birthday is in December so I was actually four years old when school began.

Between the ages of five years old and eight years old I was abused sexually by an older teen-aged boy who lived in the neighbourhood. I remember how he lured me with the help of his dog. We didn't have one and i really wanted to play with his dog.

We would walk with his dog across the park/sports fields between the school and my house. At the far corner there was a big tree that had low hanging branches that hung almost to the ground. The kids in the neighbourhood used to walk or ride our bikes to this tree and we'd spend hours climbing in the branches and playing.

Eventually the older boy and I would be under the canopy of the tree and out of view from pretty much anyone nearby. The playing with the dog turned to the other boy telling me to touch the private parts of the dog. Touching turned to fondling and then fondling turned to me being coerced into performing sexual acts on the dog.

i believe now that he was using the dog to train me because then he began having me touching and performing oral sex on him.

I can look back and see the way i behaved and acted out, even as young as six I was getting in trouble at school and behaving badly. I can remember when I was in grade two, i would have been six or seven years old, there were a couple of times i would act out in class and i look back now and wonder why it was no one ever wondered what was wrong with me. I can remember one day i in class i was making sexual gestures and i had taken masking tape (not really sure where it came from) and i took a big ball of it and stuck it to the front of my pants mimicking the shape of my private parts. One of my classmates told the teacher what i was doing and made me stand in front of the class with this tape ball stick to the front of my pants. I remember all my classmates laughing at me and i was so embarrassed that i burst out crying.

I wonder now why the teacher didn't figure out something was wrong. Why she would make sure i was embarrassed instead of making sure i was okay. I was held late after class, a detention of sorts, and i can remember looking out the window in my classroom as i sat at my desk and i could see the park where i would meet up with the older boy. i can remember being sexually aroused while doing this. i felt like i was trapped, like i was restrained, sitting at my desk. i was worried that i would miss seeing my 'friend' because i would be later leaving school.

It ended suddenly, i don't really know why but i just stopped seeing him around. I wish I could look back and see myself moving on like the other kids i around me but I really didn't. I had become really timid and afraid of pretty much everything around me. I just felt different from my friends and classmates.

There were a couple incidents i can remember in grade four. One was a good incident, the other just confusing. Part way through the school year we were able to buy books, i think as part of a fund raiser. I remember choosing a book i wanted and that my parent's bought it for me. It was a book that depending on how you wanted the story to proceed, it would tell you to turn to a certain page. I think it was called a 'choose your own adventure' book.

At the end of the first chapter it would give the reader a choice by saying something like: 'If you want jack to get on the train, turn to page 17. If you want Jack to get in the taxi, turn to page 27'. That way the reader could choose how the story would progress.

Anyways, I remember taking this book and changing the options presented so that the book became very sexually explicit. I used all the sexual words I knew to change the story. I crossed out the original words and I wrote in these new sexual terms in their place. I don't really remember anything being said to me, but my mother found the book and saw what i had done. Nothing was ever really said to me about it except that she had found the book and thrown it away. I wonder why my parents weren't seeing red flags, why they didn't see this as a sign of something worse and try and get me help.

Nothing was done. I wish so much now that somebody had done something. I wonder now what my life would be like, what i would be like, if i had received the help back then that i so obviously needed. I know it does no good to wonder "what if' but it's hard not to.

The second incident that happened to me in grade four was probably one of my best memories i have of my childhood. I was a really shy and withdrawn child but i loved playing hockey ( I am a Canadian boy, so it was like breathing to me, it was something i was meant to do). Our school had inter mural sporting activities and floor hockey was one of them. We played in the school gymnasium with plastic hockey sticks and pucks. The teams were made up of students from grades four through six. I was the youngest member of my team because i was only in grade four. Anyways, our team won the playoffs amongst the other teams in my school so that meant we were able to go to the tournament held at one of the highschools in the city where the winners from each of the other schools played each other for the city championship.

I was so scared because some of the teams were made up of older kids to a maximum age of thirteen. I was definitely one of the youngest and smallest players in the whole tournament but as soon as we started playing i remember telling myself 'don't worry, they can't hurt you.'. I told myself that same thing over and over so when it was our turn to play I went out there and played my heart out. I played with the bigger kids and battled with them like i didn't think i could.

I can remember getting hit from behind by a bigger kid in the last game we played and i went flying into the wall. There wasn't supposed to be any body contact so the ref awarded me a penalty shot.

I remember standing there waiting for the ref to tell me I could move in and take my shot. I can remember moving towards the goal and shooting and seeing the puck hit the back of the net. I had actually scored a goal. It was our last game because we had lost the first two games but because of my goal, we actually won this game. The teacher from my school who was the coach of our team rushed out and gave me a big hug and I was so happy, it's hard to describe because i think it was the best i had felt about myself for a long, long time.

The next day, we were all in the school gymnasium for a presentation and the coach walked up and told everyone about how we did. He called us all up and had us all stand in front of the whole school and he put his hand on my shoulder and told the whole school how proud he was of us. He singled me out because i was the youngest and smallest and told everyone he was so proud of how fearless i had been playing against much older anf bigger kids.

I was so proud of myself. I cant remember another time when i felt that good about myself.

The reason i mention this really great memory is because it was actually the catalyst for all the memories of my earlier abuse come back to me a few years ago. As good as those moments were, as good as i felt about myself, i also wondered if the coach had been telling the truth. I wondered why he would say those nice things about me. I actually wondered what he wanted from me for saying those nice things about me.

I spent the next year wondering when it was i was going to have to pay him back for being nice to me. Every time I saw him at school i wondered when he was going to take me aside and make me do things to him. I thought that was what i had to do when someone was nice to me. I was confused when he never did.

When i entered grade six I was still a shy and quiet kid and i didn't really have any friends except for my next door neighbour. He and i were inseparable. i kind of relied on him being my friend, i don't know what i would have done without him. However, i remember feeling so bad about myself that i just couldn't fit in with any of my other classmates. I always walked alone home from school. I just didn't fit in.

End of Part 1....Continued in Part 2...

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Good morning Scott,

You've posted quiet a bit and seem to have poured your heart into it. I was wondering what feelings you had once you opened up the flood gates: relief, more pain, a pulling at the scab, complete... etc. While I think each of our stories is important, it is what we do with them that is the most essential part of the equation. having said all of this, what would you like to happen now within you?

David

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Hi,

Thanks for taking the time to read and respond to my post.

The first time i ever wrote part of my story i walked away feeling scared, ashamed, drained and still totally unsure of myself.

I have never written it in so much detail or length in one sitting before writing it here. In the past I've always written it in dribs and drabs as moments came where i felt like expressing some of my hurt.

Even after writing it now I still wonder how and why so many things could have happened to me.

I think the best way to describe how i'm feeling at the moment is 'defeated'.

When I first began looking into my past a couple years ago, the only thing i could wish for was just to feel 'normal'. The first question i ever really asked was "who will i be?". I knew back then that the facade I had built for others to see would have to be torn down and i imagined myself as a million piece jigsaw puzzle that had to be reassembled. I wondered then, as I still wonder today, "who will I be?" when i reach the 'end' of this process.

I think I have the ability to be a little more specific now with what i want for myself. I want to feel secure with who I am and how others see me. I want to stop feeling like a child inside the body of a male adult. I want to honestly see and think of myself as a real man. That is something that I struggle with. I still don't ever refer to myself as a 'man', instead I use 'male adult', or just 'male', I recently coined a phrase "gender neutral, Y chromosome carrier" because even the word 'male' didn't seem to fit.

I want to stop being so scared of living my own life. I want to stop needing to be liked by everyone. I want to stop hating myself and feeling the need to do bodily harm to myself.

I want to love myself and the little boy i was.

There a many more things I want for myself, some of which I have been moving towards lately.

I want a family and I recently ended a fifteen year relationship that was doing neither of us any good. We had been living apart in different cities for the majority of that time. I have now very recently become engaged to a beautiful woman - herself a survivor of abuse - and we are making plans for our life together. I am happier now with the state of my relationship than i have ever been.

I have also begun training and volunteered to be a community first-aid provider for a national organization that provides volunteer support to public events like concerts and sporting events. I have just begun my training but I feel really good about being able to help others in my community.

I am slowly moving towards the person i want to be and respect but my past is still hurting me so I am doing everything I can think of to get the support and knowledge i need.

I'm trying to supplement my therapy with any other source of support I can find. Like I said I have posted my story elsewhere in bits and pieces. I have been on other support forums online but I'm still searching for answers to all my questions.

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Hi, Good morning Scott

Thanks for taking the time to read and respond to my post. Always a pleasure, we're family here, so this is how we operate.

The first time i ever wrote part of my story i walked away feeling scared, ashamed, drained and still totally unsure of myself. I changed my avatar here after i had written a painful piece-- there was such shame and pain involved in public disclosing of my issues. You're in good company!

I think the best way to describe how i'm feeling at the moment is 'defeated'. When you say defeated are you saying overwhelmed by it all, actually beaten down so much that you literally feel helpless and hopeless, or is this a way of saying how much this has taxed your life?

When I first began looking into my past a couple years ago, the only thing i could wish for was just to feel 'normal'. The first question i ever really asked was "who will i be?". I knew back then that the facade I had built for others to see would have to be torn down and i imagined myself as a million piece jigsaw puzzle that had to be reassembled. I wondered then, as I still wonder today, "who will I be?" when i reach the 'end' of this process. Scott... who and what do you think you are now? If I asked you, describe your personality in relation to others, what would you say? If I then asked you to describe who Scott is to Scott-- does he have a friendly relationship with himself? Does he have self tension? Is he insecure and unable to face himself or does he face himself and feel pain and ________? Is there anything in facing yourself that is worthwhile and "good"?

I think I have the ability to be a little more specific now with what i want for myself. I want to feel secure with who I am and how others see me. I want to stop feeling like a child inside the body of a male adult. I want to honestly see and think of myself as a real man. That is something that I struggle with. I still don't ever refer to myself as a 'man', instead I use 'male adult', or just 'male', I recently coined a phrase "gender neutral, Y chromosome carrier" because even the word 'male' didn't seem to fit. "What would it take for you to feel like a man?" Would it be an event outside of you, a situation, an experience? Or-- would it take much internal workings and examination? Would it require that you reframe your life somehow? Are there any moments in time in which you feel like a man... any times? If so, what's happening at that time- what are you doing then?

I want to stop being so scared of living my own life. Scott, what is frightening here? What scares you to the point that you woud need to self harm? Are we looking art rejection from others? Are we looking at not being loved enough or valued as we would like? want to stop needing to be liked by everyone. Scott, what would be the worst thing that would happen if someone didn't like you? I want to stop hating myself and feeling the need to do bodily harm to myself.

I want to love myself and the little boy i was.

There a many more things I want for myself, some of which I have been moving towards lately.

I want a family and I recently ended a fifteen year relationship that was doing neither of us any good. We had been living apart in different cities for the majority of that time. I have now very recently become engaged to a beautiful woman - herself a survivor of abuse - and we are making plans for our life together. I am happier now with the state of my relationship than i have ever been. So there are exceptions to the feelings if not being rejected and approved of? Scott, what does your partner see in you... she sees goodness and value, enough to want to give part of her life to you? While we're here, look at this and then come back and tell us what you think: http://www.noogenesis.com/game_theory/johari/johari_window.html

I have also begun training and volunteered to be a community first-aid provider for a national organization that provides volunteer support to public events like concerts and sporting events. I have just begun my training but I feel really good about being able to help others in my community.

I am slowly moving towards the person i want to be and respect but my past is still hurting me so I am doing everything I can think of to get the support and knowledge i need.

I'm trying to supplement my therapy with any other source of support I can find. Like I said I have posted my story elsewhere in bits and pieces. I have been on other support forums online but I'm still searching for answers to all my questions.

Scott, we may not be able to give you answers, and having answers may not be the solution. The solution may lie elsewhere. As a survivor of a brutal dictatorshsip, I know well what it means to feel self hatred, self loathing, shame, aloneness, abandonment and loneliness, and the desire to not be alive.

Let's take this slowly and see what we come up with. I think that between Jp's brain and heart, and my remaining brain, we can get somewhere. Keep posting, we're here for you.

David

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Always a pleasure, we're family here, so this is how we operate.
Thanks, it means a lot.
When you say defeated are you saying overwhelmed by it all, actually beaten down so much that you literally feel helpless and hopeless, or is this a way of saying how much this has taxed your life?
Most days when I wake up I wish I hadn't, some days I actually scream an obscenity. I just don't feel like I can keep going on feeling like this. I feel overwhelmed/hopeless and it takes everything I can muster to get out of bed and get moving for the day.

There are good times that I enjoy, like when I think about my fiance, but then all the dark thoughts come back and i end up feeling terrible again.

Just thinking about Sarah will send me spinning downward.

Scott... who and what do you think you are now?

i feel like a boy inside a grownup body. i feel like i pretend to be grown up when i am out amongst others but privately at home i'm still the scared, lonely, boy i have always been.

If I asked you, describe your personality in relation to others, what would you say?
i am scared being around others but i usually cover it up with jokes and sarcasm. People think i am outgoing but im really not. i hate being around other people and spend most of my free time by myself.

If I then asked you to describe who Scott is to Scott-- does he have a friendly relationship with himself? Does he have self tension? Is he insecure and unable to face himself or does he face himself and feel pain and ________?
Is there anything in facing yourself that is worthwhile and "good"?

Scott is weak, insecure, stupid, unlovable, but hey, sometimes he makes people laugh and has to keep everyone around him happy.

"What would it take for you to feel like a man?" Would it be an event outside of you, a situation, an experience? Or-- would it take much internal workings and examination? Would it require that you reframe your life somehow? Are there any moments in time in which you feel like a man... any times? If so, what's happening at that time- what are you doing then?

I guess to me it's all about how i see myself so it would have to be an internal change and an ability to stop being a victim.

Scott, what is frightening here? What scares you to the point that you woud need to self harm? Are we looking art rejection from others? Are we looking at not being loved enough or valued as we would like?

I'm scared of anything new. Even if what i know hurts me. New things are avoided. I'm scared to trust myself. I'm scared of failing. I'm scared of what others think of me. I'm scared of being judged.

Scott, what would be the worst thing that would happen if someone didn't like you?

If i know that someone is angry or upset at me i feel like a failure. I feel scared of what they think of me.

So there are exceptions to the feelings if not being rejected and approved of? Scott, what does your partner see in you... she sees goodness and value, enough to want to give part of her life to you? While we're here, look at this and then come back and tell us what you think: http://www.noogenesis.com/game_theory/johari/johari_window.html

I ask myself the same question every day. What does she see in me? In fact I'm scared all the time because i'm sure she's going to come to her senses and find someone better. If i don't hear from her i'm always scared that I've done something to upset her and make her want to have nothing to do with me. Sometimes I can voice these insecurities to her and she has been great about trying to reenforce to me that she really does love me. I still have a hard time believing her though...i still wait for her to tell me this is all one big joke.

I'll have to come back to respond about the johari window later...

Scott, we may not be able to give you answers, and having answers may not be the solution. The solution may lie elsewhere. As a survivor of a brutal dictatorshsip, I know well what it means to feel self hatred, self loathing, shame, aloneness, abandonment and loneliness, and the desire to not be alive.

Let's take this slowly and see what we come up with. I think that between Jp's brain and heart, and my remaining brain, we can get somewhere. Keep posting, we're here for you.

David

Thanks, I appreciate you taking the time to help.

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Hi JP,

Sorry i missed the first of your two posts yesterday so I'll do my best to respond to both of your posts now.

My fiance knows everything i know about my past. She is extremely supportive and kind about it and sees things in me i cannot. This brings me back to the johari window so i'll share my thoughts about it now.

For me it is difficult to accept what anyone says about me unless it is in total agreement with my own thoughts and feelings about myself. This seems to me as though it contradict the whole purpose of the exercise. I'm so guarded about what I show to people about myself and to be honest the large majority of the time I feel like I'm just acting like the person they want me to be.

I am like this around everyone except my fiance. Of everyone near me in my life, she is the only one who I truly let my guard down with. It didn't happen quickly, I had to work at it and some days I feel like i have exposed too much of myself to her as well.

The fear of being taken advantage of or being tricked or being taken for a fool still lingers, even with her. Even when she does her best to reassure me that she loves me and nothing that happens to me will change that, I still feel doubt and fear.

As far as how my situation with Sarah, it is still very much an ongoing concern. She still takes every chance she can get to hurt me and control me the same as she has always done. It's just that now when i am away from her i can see it for what it is. i no longer love her the way i did back then but i can't say that i hate her either.

I know this is going to sound bad but there are days when i really hate myself and feel really alone, i crave the attention she gives me. I just want to feel loved even though logically i know it's not love she is giving. The moment i get near her it doesn't matter what i may think because i just shut down, so to speak.

The way I have described it to my Doctor is that I just shut down and go on autopilot. Im not thinking, im just reacting. My Doctor says it may be a conditioned response that i still hold on to from those years ago when i wasn't able to do anything about it. I just go along with it. She (my doctor) says i may be expecting too much of myself right now whenever i tell her how much my compliance disgusts me. I feel like i should be able to protect myself and get away from her. I hate that i just shut down and comply with whatever she tells me.

At the same time, your posts sound so positive and full of hope for me and yet i can't feel hopeful yet. i know these things affect us all differently and that we all take our own road and time to heal but im just so tired of feeling the way i do.

i want to wake up and be happy instead of disappointed that i have to face another day.

i want to appreciate each day that is given to me instead of wish them away.

sorry....long post...and i suppose i could moan on some more but i won't subject you to that.

Thanks,

Scott

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Hi JP,

Thanks so much for your reply.

To be honest i have kept returning to your last reply meaning to respond but, to be honest, I've struggled with how to respond.

I can appreciate the honesty of your post and i know you said you were phrasing it exactly the way you wanted but i'm not sure how exactly you expected me to respond.

If the intent was to illicit a feeling of guilt and shame and some other feelings i just can't describe then I'd say, yes, that is exactly how i feel.

Maybe, if i could look at myself a little less critically, i could feel differently but every time i re-read your post i end up feeling guilty for doing something wrong.

I just feel so raw and vulnerable, and, i think, due to the fact that i'm trying to closely examine how i act/react in just about every situation, i'm more aware of just how negatively i react to the smallest of things and it seems to hurt more than it should.

i have always been ultra sensitive to any kind of criticism but with my new-found self-reflections I seem to be even more sensitive.

I will keep returning to read your words because i feel like if i read them enough i might actually learn to understand and believe them.

Thanks again for taking the time to help,

--

Scott

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