struggling

[mabear]

Hi,

I am reaching out for some help and advice for my relationship. I guess a bit of background would be good for you to understand more of what I will be asking. Please remember I understand that this is my viewpoint of the issues and that there is her side as well.

We have been together for over 6 years. The first couple of years were great and we talked and shared a lot. Then I went back to school full time and began being gone several evenings of the week as well as working full time. She was home alone a significant amount of time. Then in May of last year I had a severe break and went to an out of state outpatient program to try to recover and was gone altogether for 4 months. This is where she believes the problems began. She states that when I returned home I was completely self-absorbed and no longer confided or shared with her leaving her feeling as though I no longer wanted to be with her. This is partially true I will admit in that I did become very closed and did not share what was going on with me. I then graduated from school and the time home increased. The other part of what happened is that she got used to being home all the time and no longer wants to go out and do things. I, used to being so active, have created many new friendships and enjoy going out with people. So, what is happening is that I am going out and leaving her home since she does not want to go. She is saying that I am a selfish and self absorbed bitch and I am saying that she has turned into a couch potatoe slug. When we talk about doing things, she does not want to do activities in which I do not go with her, and I want to do both with her and without her. She also says she will not inititate and that I need to come up with the activities and then she will go with me. I have suggested marital counseling and she states it would not work because she would not tell the counselor her true feelings for fear of having them used against her. I am at a loss, how do we find a middle ground and reconcile this gap in our relationship? p.s. she does not have any friends of her own.

Sorry for the long post. deb

[SweetSue]

Hi mabear,

sorry I dont have any cool advice (im rubbish with relationships), just wanted to say that, well im listening and that I do care, Its just I dont know how to help.

Hope that you can both work out things together, maybe if you both had a heart to heart chat, and both try to calmly discuss your feelings. Maybe that could help.

Anyway

please take care

Jj

[Guest GingerSnap]

I can sort of see where she is coming from in that there is sort of a "new" you. Sounds like it is an improved new you and that you have it together. She might be jealous of that and maybe even feel threatened that you will be tempted to move on without her. Maybe? The best I can suggest is to sit down and both of you look at your goals as individuals and together as a couple, write the stuff down - like a map or a flow chart - see where it is going. She is probably feeling really left out at this point and I know you are trying to work with that but she must, absolutely must, tell you what she is wanting in the relationship as none of us really ever knows the other well enough to know what is really going on in the heart/head. Also, sounds like she is in a rut and although cozy and safe, it isn't a good place to be especially when you are in there alone. Map it out!

[Howhardcanlifebe]

Hi mabear.

Sorry ur going thru this.

I totally understand the part where she says that u become self absorbed, but when u are suffering like that, i felt(when i was going thru it) that i could only think about what was happening in my life.(i hate admitting that even now though)

Dont get me wrong i didnt sit and think me me me all the time, but because i was having problems, even when i was out with friends i would be a bit "sour-faced" because all i could think about was bad stuff happening to me.Luckily i had good friends who seen past all that and understood.

I think you have to talk to her.

Also, re the issues with not doing activities together, can u not ry sit down once a week and organise something you would both enjoy? Tell her u value spending time with her .Dont just let her think that u just want to do something; but u want to do something that you can enjoy with her, and it gives u both some quality time together.

I think re-iterating that would help a lot.

Even doing things at home as a couple could help, simple things to start with.

Im sorry i cant be of much help, but i agree with the other posters, You have to talk to her.Listen to her point of view without interruptiong, and insist she do the same for you.Be upfront and honest withe her. Tbh, Thats all you can do.

Good luck

[JaneE]

I think it's difficult to come back together after such a long separation... I say give it some time, things may work out eventually? It's difficult to go out with someone, and be in company with someone when you're not sure of them, or of your situation with them, it makes the social anxiety worse (this is my experience!). I think try being patient for awhile, reassure her, try to reconnect and if it doesn't work, try to re-address the counseling idea. I have had several acquaintances in life who've expressed real fears about seeing therapists. It can be hard for some people, the idea of telling your most intimate thoughts to a stranger. I had one friend who was convinced a therapist would laugh at him!

Good luck and let us know what happens!

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Mabear,

There are some important issues that both of you need to deal with in marriage therapy. They have nothing to do with the therapist taking sides in your difficulties with one another.

For one thing, it is important that a marriage counselor helps both of you understand mental illness. Having a break is a very serious thing. Adjusting to the world after the hospital is also very difficult. You need her help and she needs yours. The marriage therapy could help both of you learn how to deal with this big issue.

I take it that you are a gay couple. Is she fearful or doubtful about a therapist being open to and accepting of a couple who is gay? There are plenty of gay therapists and there are plenty of therapist who are completely open to and accepting of gay people. She needs this assurance, if I am guessing correctly.

As far as issues of going out together, going to school, household issues, a marriage therapist can be a big help with those, too.

You know, having a break like you had is very tramatizing, for both of you. let her know that her feelings are are acceptable and no one will judge her when meeting with a therapist.

What do you think??

Allan