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co dependency. its another monster


roamer2
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i feel like a hypochondriac with the recent things i have stumbled across that describe a portion of my being. and now after all the relationship issues and related issues i have posted here. i get slapped in the face by reading about and seeing co dependent patterns all threw my life. can all this unconscious insane oblivion of a life be any worse? my entire life has been a stew pot full of mental issues that i was completely unaware of until my life and body have been totaly destroyed. my definition of "love" one that i was raised with matches every article i have read on this CoD. another carbon copy. this is just totaly despicable. everything about my life has been wrong even the most careing and loving parts of me. i feel like every part of me is a lie that i was designed and built for the purpose of sickness and spreading sickness...

im just devastated by just learning that the way i love is co dependent and harmful to me and everyone involved. i have never put my needs or wants as a priority. have allowed people to walk all over me and have had only 1 true boundary that has held firm all but 2 times. i've done nothing but self destruct. unknowingly i have allowed myself to mean nothing to me or others and even encouraged them harm me.

please members tell me how to undue the damage. anybody?

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Guest GingerSnap

I'm agreeing with Julian P. on this "co-dependent" thing. Don't go there. Every issue I read about, well, if you were with a person with the issue, you were a co-dependent. I don't think so and I saw many people being devastated feeling like they were at fault for this and that and this was not necessarily true but added to their despair and feelings of hopelessness so that the whole issue that they were pursuing was being lost. So, eliminate the "co-dependent" thing. I'm really interested in the response that you will have as far as "putting yourself first" and I am sure I will have some more thoughts on that. So....

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When I first tried therapy, I tried online therapy first. I was told right away that I was co-dependent. Online therapy didn't work out so well for me, so I eventually ended up in face-to-face therapy. My T told me to get rid of the word "co-dependent" and that thinking of myself in this way was undermining to my capacity of being a caring person.

Please do not even consider that the caring and loving parts of you are "wrong". These are wonderful qualities to have which are very meaningful and valuable. I think the key is balance. You can offer to meet the needs of others while also considering your own needs. That means it's sometimes okay to say no to requests and meet your own needs. But being a caring person also has much value. It allows you to access parts of yourself that you like and that creates positive feelings of self-worth. It is not necessarily in the specific act, but in knowing and realizing your capacity and desire for it. Giving is a gift you give to yourself as well. But at the same time, you do not want your kindness to be taken advantage of. It can be a tricky line to draw. It's okay to consider yourself first. I had a lot of trouble accepting that in therapy. Once you get to the center of that and will allow yourself to do it, it becomes easier to make the distinctions and find the balance.

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i have no idea where to start. i find myself allowing family friends and romantic intress taking full advantage of anything they can. it dosent happen immediately but over a period of time especially when some one is in pain i lay down like a rug. only the people i get close to have unknowingly been given that power by me. at a point nothing i do is good enough for them. there are boundaries that i have stood firm on but those are the absolute last resorts.

the only things i can think of is to tell people to treat me how they would want to be treated and if they dont then push them out of my life. i really dont know how to change this.

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you make good sence to me. i have unknowingly put myself in a maryter shoes. for example i always feel like i could do more for someone, give more or be more and when it comes to accepting help i carry a huge since of guilt and feel that i should not need it and should do everything in my power to repay it atleast double. im shooting myself in the foot by what you have said.

in my current situation im living with my aunt and instead of accepting help i try to minimize myself and have given her the right to anything i have because i feel guilty for even being here. i have no choice its here or the streets. but i allow her to take anything i have any income i get so now she expects more and more and is mad because its not enough. she told me i could stay here till i get in my feet rent free but on every rare occasion i get money i gave it to her. now she is expecting to get everything i do and to be compinsated for everything. i have done about $10000 in work here which she gets angry and says its expected of me to do more. i dont recieve payment for this. i started getting food stamps because i cant work i have many health issues but she pushes me to do more because i freely did anything i could even when it hurt me she demands more. she has taken my food stamp card and spends it how she wants it started be me offering to help now i have no choice and if i say something she goes of about how i dont do or give enough and if i'd rather live on the street i can have the card back. it all started because i wanted to help out and has turned into me owing her for things. no matter what i do its not enough because i always feel guilty and give in. i feel worhtless and thats how im being treated.

my last relationship turned sour and i began to be more of a care taker and allowed things that i should not have because she was in pain. i gave in on things easily. i have posted about this relationship on here. but i made my needs and wants an option as to not cause her any pain from me. took care of her needs and wants first. allowed unhealthy behavior and dropped all but 1 boundary to help her threw her tough time. i made me optional and she took full advantage of it and started thinking she could do anything she wanted and get away with it because i would always be there and i was..

its basically a case of he's weak and i can get more from him. i show weakness and that gets exploited. i make me less than because thats how i feel about me and its human nature to grab power where ever possible. thats what im doing. allowing people to treat me like i treat myself. thats an epiphany wow. how can i mean anything to someone if i mean nothing to me?

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the way i was raised has a lot to do with it. i was raised to for lack of better words be the great protector of all the poor victim women (all women) to be the rock and hold the world on my back. to put it shortly and nicely. i had a family name to live up to also. i believed that i was supposed to "save" everyone but was week if i needed help. my mom had a very hard life and looking back i can clearly see she hated men for the most part so inadvertently i was built to change the world so to speak. i was built to never harm women in any way and to get even with men for there evils. i dont have this problem toward men but any precieved pain in women real or imagined hits me deep. i was also taught that the women rules all things in relationships but have always struggled with that. knew it was bull from what i had seen. so the things im finding have been programed into me from the beginning. atleast i have some answers as to why my life is a total wreak. but it still sucks.

all i want is for me and what i do to be enough for me and others. thats all i have ever wanted. just to feel like i break even on the human scale. i care to much i love to deep and i always loose.

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my relationship with my mom is good today but as i have found a limit on contact with her as well as a limit of contact with the rest of my family helps. it dosent give them the chance to try to controle me. yes my aunt is my moms sister. my dad whom is actually my step dad is still with my mom. i have never met my biological. my dad and mom married when i was a year old. mom had at times turned me against him in the past but i learned that he's not the problem and is actually 1 of the finest men i have known. i have 2 sisters 1 mentally handicapped still at home and 1 thats divorced living in Kentucky. they are both domineering like the rest of the women in my family. but i do have to say that im the oldest and did get spoiled in some ways. which my sisters dident.

unfortunately im used to the lack of comfort during pain and that is bothering me more and more. i have always been there for comfort and strength for those i care about. im damn tired of it truthfully. its been the story of my entire and very early starting adulthood.

there has been 1 exception in my adult life. 1 that i do struggle with daily because im not with her anymore. this woman being my ex. for the 4 months that we were an "official" couple we were truely there for each other even tho it was long distance. it did become less and less that she was there for me after her son and ex husband pulled there stupid crap. the things they did destroyed our relationship. it destroyed her emotionally quite latterly and she started acting out in messed up addictive behaviors because of the pain it caused. i know its not an excuse and told her that but i know its the truth. so thats why im still having a hard time moving on. i do know that she actually does care about and love me because she really and truly treated me good.. she also in the end treated my very badly. thats true also. she said she was to messed up emotionally to be in a relationship right now with anyone let alone me because she does love me so much and could not or would not continue to hurt me. she could not stop her behaviors and she couldent live with that knowing how much pain it causes me and seen that i was acting unhealthy (which i was) said that she was taking advantage of my feelings by staying with me. i was acting co dependently i now know it. i was reacting to her pain and not taking care of me.

that had a big part of my research and feelings to write this post. i had no immunity to her pain. that and the good treatment made it hard to walk away. at a point i was always able to walk away from any other woman but i couldent her. she was a high light of my life and a low point.:P

Edited by roamer2
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well i have found him. he lives in florida. i found his number and called. i talked to his girlfriend because he wasent home. she knew who i was when i mentioned where i was from. im guessing he has talked about me for her to know. i am trying to talk to him. i have learned a lot about his family.

i know little about him. my family knows a bit and have told me some things. i have a lot of questions for him if and when we do talk. do i have other siblings? i know he came back here after i was born and he found out about me. my uncles latterly ran him out of town. i often wonder if he tryed again.

as far as i know he has wondered and talked about me but dont know anything past that

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this happened last weekend. im in missouri. he lived here years ago. my mom followed him to florida where i was conceived. they had a bad falling out and mom dident know nor did he that she was pregnant. she came back here and someone let him know what was going on and thats when he attempted to see me.

i have spent a lot of time thinking about these things. i do have a few friends for support but no one really close as usual. (thought i did but shes like the others) any way im going to attempt to call and we will see.

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