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harming each other


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im sorry for the naff title i just couldnt think of anything ;)

Both me and my partner have mental health disorders, he has schizophrenia and i have BPD and anorexia.

we have a very volatile r/ship and im pretty certain that it's one disorder that sets the other off - kind of hard to explain but i'll try.

one example, if im having a bad day and i just need to be quiet and left alone he wants to talk and question everything but i cant stand it and it frustrates me, ive tried many times but i just cant do it.

i can understand that he's trying to help but when i ask him to stop he wont,and it isnt just a few questions its millions and can go on for hours and in the end i try to walk out the door

then he gets mad and points out that it's 'typical BPD behaviour' that im emotionally immature and dont handle things the right way.

ive explained over and over and over that it really stresses me out, feel trapped and just freeze or dissasociate myself from it and i cant handle it. he has a doctorate in psychology and hundreds of books on it and seems to believe that makes him an expert and knows exactly what he's doing and that he's being a kind of counsellor to me, he also says he's an enabler and the fact that it gets me so worked up is because it's actually helping me and that things need to get worse before they are better.

there's been a lot of occasions when he's locked me in and wont let me leave and i panic, shout etc and have even called the police when things have got out of hand. but even though the police have told him that it's actually classed as kidnapping he is convinced he is right that im an attention seeker and tells the police that i have mental health problems that i s/h etc and he does it to stop me from hurting myself.

sometimes it's gone on for a few hours.

he very often pins me down for long lengths of time and i struggle but he's stronger than me and also has black belts in martial arts and knows all the ways to hold me down making it impossible for me to get away. when he finally does let go of me i am scared but also really mad and i scream swear throw things etc anything to get out or hope someone will hear..but of course that just leads to more accusations of attention seeking,wanting to make a fuss so the neighbours will hear and feel sorry for me, that im a drama queen,making him out to be abusive when im actually the abusive one.

the thing is i shout because i want somebody to hear me and let me out or if i can get to the phone in time before he takes it so they will let me out i dont want him to get in trouble i just have to get out.

i was kidnapped locked in a house and raped and strangled half to death when i was 17 he knows that and ive told him thats why i get so panicky then even though he's still pinning me down and wont let me go he tells me that he's not the guy who did that that hes <insert name> that he loves me and wouldnt hurt me..problem is that doesnt help either because he has the same name as the guy that did that to me and HE also kept telling me that he wouldnt hurt me loves me and so on!

im no angel either there are times i get mad or sulky with him for no real reason even though it seems there's a reason at the time and i am hurtful to him and can have a very nasty tongue if we start arguing, then he becomes upset and gets ill...although strangely he's only ill once ive left. ie having a heart attack, finding out he has a brain tumour,back cancer and other things but never gets treatment for it and other than finding out he has these health problems he never even goes back to the hospital or gps for follow ups.

m pretty certain these are made up illnesses, but im aware that that is part of his problem although he denies it and if questioned can never follow up with any actual details just says things like he's unique, doesnt need medication or treatment or acts all mysterious smiles and says things like i shouldnt worry he can deal with it then changes the subject.

im not criticising him for that he cant help it i know that but i worry that im making him worse.

tbh im getting confused..is it him and he acts like that because of his disorder, is it because the two of us set each other off or is it me because of my disorder?

wow i didnt realise this post was going to be so long sorry i didnt even intend to say all this! but i really need to know neither of us want the r/ship to end but we do need to somehow work out these problems and if it is a case that we are harming each others health then can that even be solved?

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i also forgot to mention, he knows im anorexic and though it upsets him he he used to go on at me to stop doing the things i do, but now he turns a blind eye and sometimes even tries to help me.

im glad he doesnt do anything or nag me because it would cause even worse problems but i cant help thinking that we are not dong each other any favours there either.

i want to add that most of the time we get on really really well are like best friends as well and do everything together, probably better than most couples even though i dont do all the emotional love stuff.

It might sound odd but we dont actually have a bad r/ship and we want it to work it's just all the other stuff that gets in the way.

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Hi Donna,

OK, you probably arent gonna like what Im about to say, but I kinda have to... Sorry hun.

This dosnt sound a very healthy relationship. Your b/f, locks you in the house. Pins you down for hours.he scares you. To the point your screaming loud enugh for someone, anyone to hear you, rescue you to get you out of there.

Donna, why do you stay ?

No body, has the right to treat you like that ~ NOBODY.

You say he is ill, but hun so are you. How are you ever going to be able to get well again, with all this carrying on. in your home. This is D.V. which ever way you look at it.

Ofcourse you are going to get stroppy or whatever it was you said, mouthing off, so what. That is probably coz you have just had enough.

You know about my ex, right ?

I was with him 5 years, (just 4 years too long). OK. so I had 4 wonderful angels by him. You know how we escaped. well the police, etc, rescued us. The final beating I receaved, was horrendous. Any how, He was unkind to me, locked me in the house, I wasnt allowed windows or curtains open, no friends were allowed to contact me, and god forbid someone knocked on the door without his consent.Security cameras inside the house as well as on the doors to the outside world. Loads of shit over the years kicked off.

Sorry there is a point to all this (if I can remember it). When he first became controling of me, well I made excuses for his behaviour. New baby (our first), maybe he was tired, maybe he was having a mid life crises (he was 35 at the time) then maybe he was jealous coz I didnt have the energy to keep up with his needs, thought maybe he ws ill. There was always excuses I made for him. He nearly killed me, and if the police hadnt of saved us, it would of gotten worse.

Donna you cant live like that, its dangerous, what will happen if he goes to far ? You have already said he scares you. Would you consider, that surely that is reason enough to walk away from him, or if you love each other seperate and both of you sort out your issues before getting back together. Is that worth considering ?

Im NOT telling you what to do, so please dont misunderstand, however I am concerned for your safety.

Im pleased you think that you dont have a bad relationship, but hun IMO, you both need to work on your illness, so that things dont really kick off. Im not saying this coz Ive read it in some book or magazine, Im saying it coz I know how things went down hill for me and just how quickly.

OK, Im waffling. now. I hope what I have said hasnt upset you. As I reallly dont mean too

take care


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Hi Sue :)

you havnt upset me at all and im really grateful for your reply, thankyou :)

im really sorry to hear about all you've been through, i knew from your posts that things had been bad but i didnt know just how bad.

it sure puts my problems into perspective!

I might not have been overly clear in my first post sorry, we dont live together i stay at his for the week then come home at the weekend when i have my children.

do you mean domestic violence when you say D.V? if so im not defending him and i dont think what he does is right but i really dont feel thats what it is

Yes it does scare me in fact because of the thing i mentioned from the past id say terrifies me would be not too strong a term for it - i know that sounds a bit dramatic sorry thats probably a BPD thing lol

apart from those times he is really caring and always puts me first regardless of anything in fact sometimes too much and he has been through a lot with and because of me so i really cant say he's dangerous in that sense.

but i am afraid we're both harmful to each other when these things kick off i dont want to cause him problems or set him back he has the schizophrenia pretty well under control other than a few odd quirks ,he doesnt take meds but has done therapy in the past which sems to have helped him a lot and he uses a red flag system , though im not really sure how that works and i dont want to take that away from him.

i dont know it gets confusing really, we dont want to split but we cant keep doing this and i dont want to get worse either.

he doesnt think that's what causes the problem but im not sure, if i suggested a seperation or getting help together i know he wouldnt agree, he doesnt trust people especially people such as drs psychs counsellors and he just wouldnt consider it.

im trying to get help right now though ive still not heard anything, maybe if ever i do get to see anyone they'll be able to help me find a way of not wanting to get away or get angry, i just still dont know if its me or both of us or that we just dont suit each other.

sorry if this is all jumbled up im having a bit of an off day and just cant make any sense of anything right now :(

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  • 4 months later...

With every action there is a reaction. In our relationship we are both violent aggressive impulsive. After 6yrs weve decided to stop. We love each other and we are trying our best. If im irritated and tired i let him know, then when i react wrongly i appologise. I also walk away when i sense the limit. By now i recognise the signs of his aggression and then i force myself to back of or kiss him instead. I repeat im trying... Thats y im replying to your post im avoiding the fight.i still hav thoughts and anger locked up...bt atleast we are not physically hurting each other.

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Donna , first off >> I am new here , and don't know how long you and your bf have been with one another ... I'll take your post and go backwards from end to finish. Mind You , this IMO ,,, If bf has/is suffering from brain tumors , cancer ...... the prognosis for that in what I have witnessed is bleak. Usually with-in 18 months for sure without treatment. [ but then you do ellude to "they maybe made up illnesses " ].

Now I say WoW !! that his name is the same as your kidnapping bad person That can't be good . :o

If his belief that holding you down and limiting your movement is going to * cure * You .... :eek:

...and then the part where you say when the stress level gets so high ya disassociate and withdraw . BPD has that effect on me also.. So at least you know your not alone in that reguard.

As others have stated already Donna ,,, You need to first take care of yourself ,, and a break from his type of therapy may be a Great first step .

Please Take Care ...


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Guest ASchwartz

Hi Donna,

I must agree what our members have said to you in their responses to you. This relationship is not good for you. In fact, I want to add that its not good for him either. You each have the ability to provoke each other. Given the diagnoses you mention, and I assume they are correct, you each need a peacefu environment, as free of stress as possible. Yet, when you get together, the stress level goes way up and that is not good.

Of course, its always easier to give advice than it is to take advice and that is something I understand and agree with. Yet, even so, it seems to me and the others that the two of you would be helping each other if you split up.

What do you think?


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