Mike, Major Depressive/Social Phobia and anxiety

[NO-One]

Hi. Im Mike. I suffer from General Anxiety disorder I believe, which is linked to my depression symptoms.

Been through a few Psychologists/psychiatrists

Current medications Im taking-cymbalta(90mg), seroquel xr(200mg) and 0.5 mg of a tranquilizer which I can't recall the name to.

Former medications-Zoloft, celexa, cipralex, and effexor xr.

Its been almost three years since I last truly felt like myself. I only found out about the anxiety part of the equation recently. I think that is what is getting in my way from getting better.

February 14(12,13 ?) of 2007 is when things came to a head for me. Was out of High School for almost half a year by then(or more ?) months leading up to it I felt alone. Had little to no friends. No one I could consider a close friend. Barely went out. Found trying to work difficult. ended up cutting myself around November/December 2006. Felt miserable but still felt like myself. Remember feeling like crap because I didn't know what to do with myself, where to go, etc...Memories of School haunting me. Hated it. Hated the loneliness. Hated the People. A good few were nice to me and all and people knew me but it just stayed in school. I felt so alone. This is all past know. Might pertain to where I'm going next though. I became depressed while I was reading comic books. That was the thing I was most into at the time. I was a big fan of DC comics in particular. I was reading this Marvel comics hardcover I'd bought and I just thought, what if they are better? I don't know why but I think its more the chemical imbalance in my brain that triggered this but I became depressed there after. I didn't know weather to stop reading them or not because I was so afraid of loosing it. Leading up to this I was on Effexor xr for a month. Connection? Probably not but seems worth a mention. Before that I wasn't on anything for the past few months since summer. I remember being on Message boards a lot for comics and people used to bother me more, way more after it happened. I still hate the internet, people are tools. anyway went through months thinking I had got some unknown brain disorder. That I was a fucking loser for feeling depressed over something so small. I couldn't(can't) enjoy life the same as I used to. The anxiety part is/has lasted years because I don't know it feels different than when I was depressed. The sensations felt like my head was in a vice and there was at one point intense pressure on either side of my head. It has since been a discomfort/ lesser pain but that is where I feel it and sometimes in the back of my my head/neck. I feel numb, detached, emotionally, mentally, sexually. My Grandmother died and I couldn't feel anything except this agitation that still persists to this day. I find it odd how she always said she didn't want me to feel too bad when she went. This sensation is triggered by thoughts like I find it hard looking at Spider-man/ Batman/ Superman etc or comics in general the same way and sometimes just seeing them on TV or whatever just brings on these bad feelings. I used to and still its hard for me to read or pick up a book like I used to. I keep feeling this pain is ruining everything little by little. Even when I play Video games/ watch TV whatever. The Internet and peoples negative comments about anything bothers me and I feel I am in such a hopeless rutt. Like I will just think a small critique on something and my brain convinces me I ruined it because of that. And again there is all that beatting up on IM a big fucking loser and what would people think of me etc. All those jack ass kids from school. I sometimes worry that its hard to laugh at anything because I am the biggest joke of all. My dreams feel so miserable sometimes because Its like I am aware people feel different than me and I may be stuck here forever because I have only come inches and haven't gotten that full relief I deserve. I have since found it harder to concentrate and its like that concept is lost on me, that and the concept of Boredom and happiness. I feel tremendous guilt over things. For Example Stealing $10 from my sister years ago or some un thoughtful thing I said on the internet that made someone mad and insult me. I sometimes think its these things are why I suffer. Sometimes I think its like Im possessed, like its super natural and I will never figure it out.

Please, all I want to know if these thoughts(the thing about the comics that set me off but again I think it all is chemical imbalance and that is hard to convince yourself sometimes) aren't weird or freakish or abnormal. I want someone who has been there. some help on how they got better. Please reply.

[SweetSue]

Hi Mike

Well I can relate, to certain aspects of your thoughts and probably can understand a lot of your other feelings too.

I have a Severe Anxiety Disorder, P.T.S.D., Borderline Personality Disorder, and Depression and s/i etc........ just a bunch of labels really.

Theres a lot of things that can set me off, or trigger me, wierd things really, like loud noises, certain smells, some tv shows even. certain things i out and out refuse to do, coz well the memories they envoke are horrific.

Rest assured you are not the biggest joke around, there are many people with similar experiences to you, some of their stories are on the boards here, if you have the time maybe it would be benificial for you to read them.

The guilt thing, yep I understand thatt fully, sometimes I get megga guilty and fully blame myself for things I didnt have any control over. Sometimes self blame is easier to cope with than trying to justify others actions. Or I feel guilty when it is my fault, over silly things, and then I have this almost obbsesive need to appologise and try and re explain myself over and over again. I have a very real fear of upsetting people coz of consequences that may never happen.

Geeez Im really rambling, but you are certainly not on your own with your thoughts or in your actions.

I find that breathing exercises can help, yoga (although this is difficult for me and takes loads of practice), Art definately helps me. Meds ok they are kinda essential for me these days, one day though I will be meds free again. Talking about stuff tthat helps loads whether its to a therapist , a understanding friend, even on here, on here is where I get the most useful help, coz Im not so afraid to say stuff, no one judges on here so I feel safe.

I did have a med free period of about 10 years, that involved years of councelling, Therapy and a v.understanding p/doc. But it can be done, so please dont give up hope. If I can help at alll I will, we all will

Take care

Jj

ps, sorry for rambling, and hope I made sense

[NO-One]

Why would Comics set me off. Like its one of the hardest things Ive had to deal with and made/makes me feel like shit because I can't enjoy what I once loved anymore and what other strange thoughts can you end up feel sad over or have you felt depression over something that just seems weird or different?

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi No-One,

I don't know why comic books would set you off except that there must be something in some of them that is reminding you of something threatening from your past, something you have forgotten but is stored in your emotional memory system.

What about going for some help?

Allan

[NO-One]

Hi No-One,

I don't know why comic books would set you off except that there must be something in some of them that is reminding you of something threatening from your past, something you have forgotten but is stored in your emotional memory system.

What about going for some help?

Allan

I felt a lot of stress leading up to it. I really, and honestly don't know why. I remember just little arguments and some Marvel fans would rag on DC fans. I liked DC a lot. It irritated me a bit is all but didn't seem like something that would cause a problem for me really.

It seems to be the thing that ruined everything. Though the initial thought itself, its no use looking. there isn't anything there really other than before I would get mildly irritated with people over tastes etc...But digging around and thinking too much for something that really isn't there isn't helpful. And that is exactly what I, what my anxiety and probably the depression made me do. I was so depressed because I couldn't enjoy that ONE thing that made life worth living, made me want to be a writer. That ONE bloody fucking thing.