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will i ever stop feeling this way


notmary
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I hate myself. I hate what happened to me. I hate what I remember and am afraid of what I don't remember. I wish I could stop feeling hopeless and just this side of dead inside. I try to keep busy; I try to exercise, to reach out to others, to love my kids adn my husband... but it is always there. This complete disgust with myself.

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hi notmary,

Sorry your feeling so low. It sounds like you have had some very harsh experiences and my heart goes out to you.

There is no easy way to comes to terms with things that have hurt you this much. Just keep trying with whatever you can to distract yourself, art works good for me when I feel hopeless, or sometimes the only thing I can do is just remember to breathe.

Have you managed to arrange therapy yet ? That helps me loads, just being able to express to someone exactly how I feel and just what is going on. Even if they cant really help or have no good advice, It helps just to feel I have been heard.

I dont know exactly what happened to you, but from what my understanding is from your other posts, well it is NOT your fault. The disgust that you are feeling is completely misplaced, you dont deserve to feel this way.

We are here for you, and we care and will help anyway that we can.

take care

Jj

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Thank you once again Jj for being a human connection. Sometimes I feel like I am an alien in my life.

I am seeing a therapist. I have been for many many months. It has been slow going. I refuse to take medications... not because I am a martyr but because I have to stay in control so that I can watch over and protect my children. Therapist does not agree with me, thinks that medication would help ease the extreme anxiety and depression, but understands what makes me resist taking medication. (I actually did take meds after the trauma that initially sent me into therapy, but as I started having memories of what happened before, when I was young, I HAD to stop. I could not leave my children unprotected the way I had been.)

As far as what has happened to me I can't say it, type it or write it. I have made very baby steps with the therapist in talking about it but I feel like I am a raw open wound. I don't trust my memories, or myself. I know that what happened when I was young was my fault and that there is something so wrong with me.

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Hi notmary

OK

WHAT HAPPENED WHEN YOU WERE A CHILD IS IN NO WAY YOUR FAULT. THE ADULTS THAT TOOK ADVANTAGE OF YOU AND ABBUSED YOU THATS WHOS FAULT IT WAS. THE RESPONSABILITY LAYS FIRMLY AND ONLY WITH THEM. THEY WERE AT FAULT NOT YOU.

I can understand your reasons for not wanting to take the meds. your a moma and coz your a moma you want to stay in full control. But do you think that maybe there is a way to take the medication and still feel like you are able to protect love and look after your children. It might be worth discussing this with your p/doc. Lots of people are able to take medication and still be a good moma / papa.

I realise how difficult it is to discuss things that have happened in a persons past, there are some things that even to this day I have never talked about and doubt that I will ever have the courage to do so. Talk about this when you feel ready to.

We are here for you hun

take care

Jj

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Hello notmary.....

I am so sorry to hear how much you are hurting. I am also so very glad that you are seeing a therapist and working toward healing. It's a long hard road but one that is worth the trip despite the mountains and valleys that you must cross along the way. You are very courageous to set out on this journey.

I also don't know your whole story but I have gathered enough to be able to say that I really do understand what you are feeling.

Coping with an abuse history is very difficult and I know, first hand, the self blame, shame, feelings of disgust etc. etc. etc. that goes with it.

But.....I also know that meds can help. Choosing the right medication is not a perfect science. There's some trial and error to it. There are many medications out there right now with few side effects that will not affect your ability to parent your children or to live your day to day life. What they can do is take the bottom out of your depression and give you another tool to cope with the anxiety.

Meds will not change what happened to you. They will not take the pain away. But they can help you through the healing process. I encourage you to discuss this with your doctor including your concerns about side effects that may occur and how they would affect you.

My warmest thoughts go with you as you face this difficult challenge. Take care of yourself!!

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hi notmary

Just coz of what happened to one family, dosnt necessarily mean the same thing will happen to yours. Bad things happen, unfortunately there are some really sick minded people around.

notmary, you need to look at this from a different angle hun, you want to be there for your kids and do whatever you can to protect them right ?

Well sometimes doing the best thing for your children is putting yourself first. Getting your own health looked after so that you can be the best moma that you can be. (can you believe Im writing this) But its true, how can you expect to bring your children up to the best of your capabilities when you are experiencing this much trauma ?

Please reconsider taking your medication, if you are really concerned about the side effects of the medication then speak to your p/doc. Let your p/doc put your mind at ease. Surely it is better in the long run to take your prescribed medication just to help you cope with your therapy and help ease your anxiety and depression.

sorry think I went on a ramble (oops)

take care

Jj

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While I know that it sounds irrational to everyone else, I just can't let go of this bit of control. There has to be ways for people to face this without medication.

all I know is that I put all of my energy into functioning as a mom, wife and teacher. this other stuff has overwhelmed me and i seem like i don't have an ounce of energy or fight left.

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hi notmary,

this may sound silly, but have you tried yoga, it helps me. not sure why but for some reason one of the p/docs recomended it to me a few months ago, and well somedays it kinda helps. im not sure if its coz of the concentration you need, and therefor it takes your mind of things or something else :)

maybe some one here knows why yoga works :)

or something like relaxation therapy, thats really good just to clear your mind and relax, takes practice though but it does help

anyway just a thought

hope you feel a little better soon :)

take care

Jj

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