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Understanding a Friends Behaviour? Abusive, innocent or ignorant


tock.is.clicking
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I have a friend that is a girl my age, she is very playful, affectionate.

I've had plenty of female 'friends 'only' and girlfriends over the years to know the difference, however my new friend is constantly setting me up to hit my biggest anxiety rejection.

How does a 23 year old have a 8 year relationship?

Is she lying or did something more serious happen to her?

Is she out to abuse me "Cock Tease"?

What do I do give up? Push her more?

Give her space ignore her, make her miss me

The first time I met her I asked her to dinner,

Our first outing we went to dinner she giggles constantly I tell her something unusual about me (I keep camping gear tent, swag in my car boot, she says in a sweet tone , "Oooh I like that".)

Afterwards walked around lake sat cuddled, when we were staring at one another I moved in to kiss, and she pulled away. (in some sort of teaser she came straight back pecks me on the cheek)

I took this to be she is very scared or shy about something?

Traits and behaviours she expresses to me.

-

  1. Emails and SMS me daily with updates what see is doing, how she is feeling
  2. Constantly thanks me for giving her a fantastic day
  3. Regularly brings up our first meeting in conversation as special day, mentioned the food we ordered as the best she ever had.
  4. Cuddles me
  5. Flirts constantly
  6. Sits on my lap and begs for a massage
  7. Lies on me get real close
  8. uses the term oh that is soo sweet to my gestures
  9. asks how my day was
  10. behaves very clumsy/smitten when she notices I am present

Second date took here for a great walk to wilderness area in a valley.

Third date we went out alone (play sport together), when cuddling on seat under the stars, slowly move for a kiss. She pulled away and same peck on the cheek trick.

Next day she sent me an email asking me to lunch

exact term was "Also i just want to clarify that it will be just a friendly lunch, Nothing More. thank you."

Fine I can live with friends I could do good like interest friends.

But she continues to behave in the same flirty teasing way (above Traits and behaviours),

Almost like she wants benefits of relationship without the intimacy or commitment of a relationship.

Worst of all HER' close friends keep approach me asking, how our relationship is going, or commenting how great a couple we are

If her close friends are confused no wonder I am and it hurts.

Last straw was she was talking with her friend in front of me about possibility if certain guy was available or relationship material.

As expected I had mini break down I took her aside, sat her down and made it clear that her behaviour, flirting and affection was inappropriate for friends and represented a couples relationship.

She cried and cried that her breakup in the past was real bad, abusive 8 year relationship and she isn't ready for a dating relationship with me.

She sent me this 10 minutes ago

pretty clear negative to me

"Don't take it the wrong way, i will miss you buddy while you are gone camping. When is the next we are all meeting up again? I am free most of next week."

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Guest ASchwartz

Hi Clock,

Wow, that is quite a story you wrote. I had a strong reaction to it and I apologize, but, my immediate strong reaction was: "Just say good luck and goodbye!!!!!"

Why did I have that reaction? Because, in my reading of the situation, she seemed to "tease," as you pointed out, and she behaved with amazing insensitivity and even cruelty.

Her comment that she is just out of a relationship that was abusive and is not ready for a new one, is belied by the fact that she behaves seductive towards you and then pulls away and then talks with a friend, in front of you, about another guy.

I would now keep stricly away. I sense this will hold nothing but grief for you if you pusue.

However, I am curious about you, your past relationships, and why girls end up being your "friends" rather than your lovers?

This happens with women too. In fact, I received an E. Mail from a young woman asking the same question about why she is only a friend?

This must feel awful

Can you tell us more about your self?

Allan

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Hi tock.is.clicking :) (love your nick its very original)

On the whole i agree with Allen and my instinct is also to recommend you get out of there the situation might change although i wouldnt hold my breath, anyway would you be comfortable or forever cautious and wary?

One thing i am wondering about this girl, is it a possibility that having come out of an abusive r/ship she wants reassuring that she is attractive, that guys still like respect her and wont treat her badly? it may be an immature way of going about it but many girls - especially the insecure ones - do do the whole flirting pushing limits thing just to see what response they will get, whether they are valued or not and as a confidence builder.

Im not excusing her behaviour but im looking at it from a girls/womans perspective and my own past, it might be worth considering before you decide what to do next.

I do think that if you decide to remain friends with her that you speak to her again and explain that if she wants nothing more than friendship then she has to quit all the flirting and teasing, make it clear that you wont accept that, that you either have a personal r/ship or a friendship (assuming thats what you want) and absolutely no in-betweens..then stick to what you've said , no exceptions so she knows you mean what you say.

I wish you luck whatever happens :)

Edited by Donna
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I would now keep stricly away. I sense this will hold nothing but grief for you if you pusue.

However, I am curious about you, your past relationships, and why girls end up being your "friends" rather than your lovers?

A few reasons that affect my relationship ability

I do not and will not get close to anyone

My father was alcoholic and I never bought friends to my home.

Am very fit, no other physical and medical defects

Blonde hair Blue eyes

now I'm just scared of people

This happens with women too. In fact, I received an E. Mail from a young woman asking the same question about why she is only a friend?

This must feel awful

Can you tell us more about your self?

Allan

Edited by tock.is.clicking
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Hi tock.is.clicking :D (love your nick its very original)

I do think that if you decide to remain friends with her that you speak to her again and explain that if she wants nothing more than friendship then she has to quit all the flirting and teasing, make it clear that you wont accept that, that you either have a personal r/ship or a friendship (assuming thats what you want) and absolutely no in-betweens..then stick to what you've said , no exceptions so she knows you mean what you say.

I wish you luck whatever happens :)

good thinking

I'm starting to have doubt that I know what a friendship is.

Edited by tock.is.clicking
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Guest ASchwartz

Hi Tock,

I am quite sure that you are not a "stupid person."

What I suspect is that you make bad choices in women. By the way, there is nothing wrong with telling a woman, when you ask her out, that you are interested in a serious relationship and have enough friends. Is she is serious, she will go out with you. If not, she will not go out. Better to know at the start, at least that is what I think.

What is your opinion and others opinions on this??

Allan:)

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  • 3 weeks later...

I absolutely agree with the consensus here. It is quite alright to ask another person their motives if you are confused by their actions. Additionally, it is your duty to make the line between friend and partner and then decide, based on her behavior, if she deserves to be a part of your life.

PS ~ I barely remember my high school days and short friendships. You're just learning from experience what kind of girl you'll keep in the end. Clearly, this one is on the "no" list :D

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  • 3 weeks later...
I absolutely agree with the consensus here. It is quite alright to ask another person their motives if you are confused by their actions. Additionally, it is your duty to make the line between friend and partner and then decide, based on her behaviour, if she deserves to be a part of your life.

PS ~ I barely remember my high school days and short friendships. You're just learning from experience what kind of girl you'll keep in the end. Clearly, this one is on the "no" list :rolleyes:

I just saw 500 Days of Summer on DVD

anyone else see this movie?

It showed the fine line between expectations and reality, along with the severe repercussions of disappointment.

It was a very good movie first time in a movie I've seen validation that,

1) True love and romance isnt as cut and dry as all these romantic comedies show

2) females aren't the only ones that can be abused

3) it is pointless trying to or succeeding in convincing someone to reciprocate

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Guest ASchwartz

Hi Tock,

I fully agree with you that men are also abused. I have seen very severe cases of this. I find that most people are fully aware of this and do not believe that its always men abusing women.

My message with these types of things is that both men and women need to date a long time, get to really know one another and then decide if they are right for each other. Its always a mistake to get permanently connected under the full force of infatuation and romance. We need to see each others major faults. If you can accept another person with their faults then its a good sign. Too often, we ignore faults under the influence of romance and regret our decision later on.

Allan

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