Narcissism

[nathan]

i self diagnost myself with narcissism, and i've been called a narcisst couple of times by others.

Im precarious in social situations of any type, even with my family. I feel like i am constantly looking for who has the power or authority in a given social circle. I lie about myself becuase i feel that my true self is inadequate.

Always feel distant from people- probably becuase i am. When i genuinly attempt to make friends with someone, i always end up closing them off (or they do) becuase i am not confortable when they start making it emotional. If for example, one day they come up to me feeling unusally happy for whatever reason, i get uncomfortable-I don't know what to do with it.

Im not sure if it is the case that i am anxious, or simply oblivious to their emotions.

My mom is an alcoholic and there was a lot of tension in our family growing up- i physically fought my father twice. I think i was verbally abused by my mom everyday. She had lots of anger that she layed out on me- im hypothesising that perhaps i learned to numb some of those emotions that had been presented to me on a daily basis by my mother; so when people present a certain array of emotions to me now, i dont react normally.

either way people don't like me, and i seem to want to like other people, but am unable to at the same time.

I have along history (since i was 9 years old) sleeping problems. I go thruough bouts of insomnia that sometimes last for months

to make up for unexistant social life, i have gone through i variety of obsessions.

-i isolated myself and played a video game for 4 years.

-i isolated myself and my life consisted of lifting weights/work/sleep for 3 years

-gone through phases where i spend all my money on prostitutes

-i now go through phases of binge drinking and smoking pot by myself ( and always have since high school except those years in between when i was lifting weights)

I can no longer properly hold a job because i cant get along with my co-workers. I am 20 and am now living at home again with parents i dont get along with.

I need to learn to meet people with or without my personality disorder(s) cuz im not going to last like this.