Life

[Brokenman]

I have not lived a happy life. Ever sincei was 12 i have worked hard and tried to succeed. Had to pay my way before i even got out of elementrary school. Ive watched an ugly divorce up close and personal and have seen the damage it can do to a man. Even if he did deserve it. I, from growing up, understand pain more then i understand pleasure. I have a better grasp on what i am capable of doing during bad times then i do for good ones. I have not created many happy memories in my life even thoug i have tired.

I have come a close second though. I might not have happiness but i have had purpose. I have become an adult long before any child should have to. Worry about bills, if the heat will be on for the winter, what to do for food, how to even but clothes on my back. I have developed a skill set or at least a fighting mentality to survive. I used it to get my self through my own personal hell of a childhood. Through the phsyical violence to emotion despair to simple fear of where i might sleep that night. I have had this mentality since i was 12, a spirt that would get tired exhausted even but not be broken because i always had my purpose in life.

My sister saved me from myself when i was 16. When i realized she could use my help, that my self sacrfice could make her life better, ease her burden, i dove head first into her troubles. Did what i could to make them better and tried not to create to many in the process. I did that job well. I saw her thorugh the rough times. I saw her succeed. Now i can finally do this for myself, i can focus on me and my happiness for a change on my life.

The question is where does this leave me?

I have known 3 things about me since i was a young boy about the age of 10 or maybe 11.

1, i want a job that doesnt make me miserable and lash out at people and harm those closest to me. To be gainfully employeed so i can enjoy the finer things in life.

2 to one day marry the woman who accepts me for me. Wants to be my rock when i need one. to be hers when she needs it. To share my life the good the bad and the ugly with.

3, to have a child maybe 2 with my wife. To loved my children and watch them grow up. From when they take their first step, to when they move off and away always knowing that their parents are always there for them if then need us. To basically be the loving guiding hand that i never got as a child.

The first on my list is easy to accomplish and i am currently working towards it. The problem are the last two on the list. With a penis of 3.75 inches long and undersized testicals i doubt i could even have children of my own. Of course there is always adoption but i dont know if i could love some one else child as my own. For right now that is as good as a no. So there goes 3rd most important thing to my happiness in this lifetime.

My second biggest problem is simply finding a woman who would want me. Granted relationships arent all based on intercourse. Lets face it though fact is no matter how you say it pleasure from intercourse does matter, its not the end all be all of sex there can be an emotional connection that makes it meaningful also. You cant survive on just happy thoughts alone though. Dissatisfaction will play a role eventually.

I am still alive today not because of mysister but because i was lucky enough to find a good enough frind that has brought me many good laughs and a few good memories. She was my light in this hell hole of a life. A good woman a caring woman and beautiful to. THe problem is she doesnt know about my tiny problem if you will. So every once and a while when the mood strikes her the topic of size will come up and jokes a many are made. Damned if im not good with keeping a happy face in public. So here is what i have learned from this amazing woman and her other girlfriends she has around when this sometimes comes up. Size matters to all women on one level or another to at least some extent. If only because size means pleasure to the point of pain. Once we were talking about midgets and some how midget sex came up i dont know how. i do remeber though that she was saying something long the lines of could you imagine what it would feel like to have suck a small cock in you? Would you even feel it, at what point do you just say alright enough get off? and probably more i do remeber having to make a hastey getaway to the bathroom if only to remind myself to breathe.

We can all hope that there are women out there that could find us as acceptable men, but we arent really. There will always be, at least in the back of there minds, the wish for at least another inch if not more from most of us who are on these boards. Its a sad fact that i have accepted and understand that i can never give my mate the bare minimum of satisfaction in bed through intercourse.

This alone has caused a cycle for me of sorts. I feel i need X in life to be truely happy and i can do YWZ to get something close to it. So sort of comfort at least but its not enough for me i find anymore. The nights keep getting harder, the loneliness is harder for me to fight, and im so tired of it all. i work 50 hours a week and go to school on top of it. im responsible a warm hearted guy, a fuckin catch for any woman if i was normal, but im not. I have a condition that currently cant be cured. That might never be cured. So why, why break my back go though and try and eek out something from this life if i know ill never be truely happy because what i want in my life ill lever get?

Why live to work so hard when i know ill never have what i need?

I used to care, i used to get up thinking maybe today will be different maybe ill have changed or there was some breakthough. Maybe i can be normal. I lost hope though, i lost my drive my ambition my willingness to live.

I dont mean to sound dramatic this isnt the normal me, but im scared. Not because of what i might do, but because i no longer care what i do.

I dont think i can stand another night alone. I know i dont want to live my life as it has been, but there is nothing i can do to change it either.

I bought a gun 2 mohnths ago with some extra cash i had. I enjoy shooting and i never though i would be sucidial, but i find it hard to remeber what my drive has beeen. This week has been one of the hardest of my life.... and i dont know how much more i have in me. I dont know how much more i can keep going, because i know as it stands right now its not enough this life and the options before me.

I cant see a way from any angle how i can create more options. I must have missed something along the way. I need some one to point somehting out to me that i skipped over because damnit if i havent then fuck it, i didnt wnat this i didnt ask for this. Im at my witts end and this is as close as to a cry from help as i can give.

So please help me in some way because i fucking need it.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Brokenman,

Clearly, from your impassioned post, you have had a very hard life. Even so, I want to really encourage you to get rid of that gun. We do not want to lose you.

I want to hear from the other women on this site (in addition to the men). I bet they will agree with what I will say: there are always women who are loving and sensitive and are looking for a lot more in a man than just the size of his penis and testacles.

How can we help Brokenman to heal and no longer feel broken???

Also, Brokenman, have you tried psychotherapy?

I am worried about you.

Allan:(

[Interested Observer]

Post deleted by subscriber.

[lifeless existence]

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[Recluse]

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[curtailed]

I am so symphatetic and at the same time so at loss of words it hurts. My post is hastily written stream of consciousness, hopefully it makes sense.

That said: I understand you totally. 100%.

As you pointed yourself though, you have a feeling you might have missed something. I think there's something in the fact that humans have a physical existence and as a byproduct of this, an amazing thing called the brain. The brain is the organ that has to do with emotions. Take drugs and you feel better even about penis size -- at least this is one of my past experiences. My point is that the human brain has the capability to feel whatever you want it to. The first step to this is recognizing the bad emotions at their very core and digging them out into the open. This should be painful and if it's not, take a look deeper. After that you deal with these emotions one at a time, either in therapy or by drawing\painting\writing\whatever works. I feel this is the very beginning of finding meaningful existence in the hard place we as men seem to be in.

I have recognized myself that these are the big things I need to concentrate finding solutions on. I feel all of them are actively connected to each other but none of them is a deal breaker.

1) Feeling worthless.

Causes most of my self-defeating behavior and is a problem any man or woman would have to face in my situation. Too long story to write here but this shouldn't be confused with dick size issues.

2) Realizing I have a small penis.

I can lose some weight and maybe gain half an inch by that. I can do some excercises. Maybe another half an inch.

If I felt even half-decent about my life situation, I wouldn't need to care what women tell me. It's not like they can make my day any worse by calling me on it if I feel adequate. I will most likely never be the most well hung guy but we all have a place in the universe. I am also 100% confident there are women out there who have had sex with pretty small dicks and yet are truly satisfied. This might be a leap of faith for some of you but I believe in it personally and I am on a mission of discovery. It is a belief I have and act accordingly. I also believe I am much more likely to discover solutions this way. Luck happens only to those who believe in it.

As to becoming a casanova, it's not like I need to have sex with every woman in existence. I merely need to be confident around those who I wish to have sex with and make them scream anyway. This is half technique, half attitude, half physiology. I need to catch up with my brain + technique part where my penis could be working harder.

3) Feeling bad about having a small dick.

This part I believe I can change if I find the deep psychological reasons that causes it. Mostly it feels like I'm a child and every female character in the universe is like an older sibling, who merely pat me on the head and call me funny if I talk about girls. This is a concrete feeling but it is exactly the place where to start working on things. Knowing this feeling exists is very healthy.

4) Feeling bad about not being in relationships.

This is also something I can change. Once I have working relationships, I can stop feeling sorry for myself and start actively working on my own future, learning every second about human behavior. I feel fully confident that I am intelligent enough to solve this. If you want a tip, read Neil Strauss: The Game. For entertainment value if nothing else.

--

Last but not least, I advocate steering clear of alcohol and all self-defeating behavior and making yourself a clear list of the things that bother you. This has helped me and I deal with things nowadays one at a time. I get so easily confused about what the problems were in the first place if I just go into the world and try confronting all of the bad emotions head on.

In Douglas Adams' words: DON'T PANIC. :cool:

[Brokenman]

Ive really sat down and thought about my options and this is the best i can figure out.

1 go out there say fuck it and try and find a woman. Maybe suffer humilation 9 out of 10 times maybe find that 1 and a million girl. Remeber though that the issues that we carry aroudn with are selfs generally mean we will become self destructive in said relationship. If from paranoia to distancing oneself from their spouse for self preservation.

Best case secnario you have a kids and your son has the same curse as you.... i couldnt do that best these genes are taken out of the pool. One man is to many to suffer from this.

2 Live an isolated exsistance and eek out a living until natural death

3 Take matters into your own hands as it where.

I have a problem physically that cant be solved and i dont have the mindset to wait any longer. I really just dont want to be alone so this will be my last post. May you all figure out where you wish to go in life and may you achieve your semblence of happiness.

I also apologize for talking on these boards as im sure its negative and can have a harmful effect on some. Realize i just intended to use this as a sounding board in hopes of a mircal nothing more.

Nick.

[curtailed]

Reading your first post I'd say you are a fighter. A strong man who isn't told what to do. The fact that your feelbad from all the shit you have to deal with is hampering that. This makes me sad

I feel like you are letting anger, sadness, humiliation and anxiety work their way into your reasoning. I can't blame you for that since I'm only half out of that ditch myself. I have to remind myself to take it easy on the days when I feel like doing something bad to myself. I have to constantly remind myself I need to slow down when I feel like sliding into not thinking straight.

To be honest, getting out of that starting pit is probably the hardest thing to do. There are so many logical reasons (based on looking for proof for the negative mindset we have) and all the emotions we feel that we take granted for. In the very beginning the only thing I can say for sure is to take it easy and be merciful to yourself. I mentioned "Don't Panic" for a reason I felt was very considered.

Remember, you have survived until now and you have all the strength and wisdom inside you to sort your emotions and life out. Also, ask yourself what emotions do you think you can't change - and then start digging...

-- Don't Panic :cool:

[IrmaJean]

Size matters to all women on one level or another to at least some extent.

I've said this before, but I'll say it again. It doesn't matter to me...at all.

We can all hope that there are women out there that could find us as acceptable men, but we arent really. There will always be, at least in the back of there minds, the wish for at least another inch ...

For all of the times I've been with my husband, never once have I thought of "inches". I'm thinking of him and how I feel about him. When a woman loves and accepts you for the person you are, the focus will be on sharing. There is pleasure in the sharing and this is what is truly meaningful.

I have a condition that currently cant be cured. T

What you have Brokenman is yourself. You are a person. Why want to "cure" a natural part of yourself?

This week has been one of the hardest of my life.... and i dont know how much more i have in me. I dont know how much more i can keep going, because i know as it stands right now its not enough this life and the options before me.

I'm sorry that you are in so much pain. Sometimes I can't help wishing that all of you could look in the mirror and see that you are human beings, all beautiful in your own unique ways, all worthy of love and acceptance...just the way you are. Some have blue eyes. Some have green or brown. Some have straight hair. Some curly. Some tall. Some short. Light skin. Dark skin. Quiet. Chatty. Prone to anxiety. Calm. All different. All unique. All beautiful. All human. All worthy of love and acceptance...just the way they are. Just the way you are.

How are you feeling today, Brokenman? I hope you feel better.