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i have never kept my SI secret which from reading here appears not to be normal but it has got to the stage where i have to hide it . i thought being open about things helps but if i now have keep it secret i am afraid it will make me worse.

i suppose i enjoy the hurting and i like the reaction i get if someone says something. is that normal?

i just think i woulkd rather do this than the alternative - which is a lot of tablets.

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I think the word "normal" is just going to be confusing, in this discussion. How about using the word "common"? From what I understand, it is uncommon to be open with people around you about harming. Personally, I would think it would help you not feel so ashamed, not having to keep it secret. But maybe it's not helpful, if the people around you are encouraging it, in some way.

"It has got to the stage where I have to hide it" contains a lot of information about how you think, you know. First, you feel like it's natural for the harming to be progressive, that it goes through stages, almost out of your control. Does it really have to do that? Second, that there's a stage after which you 'have to' hide it. Why do you feel you have to hide it? Have the people around you stopped accepting it? Can you think of a reason why they might react that way?

Most importantly, how certain are you that the harming is the only alternative to suicide? Can you imagine a world where there's a third, healthier possibility?

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