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Spousal Abuse


tomatty
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Does anyone have any idea if the courts "expect" a degree of verbal and/or physical abuse when couples go through divorce? I am just wondering if some form of abuse in such stressful situations is tolerated.

I have written other threads about things that my wife has done, and they have not subsided at all. She has hit me, pushed me, pinched me, blocked my entrance into rooms, and gotten in my face on my occasions. I have photos of bruises from these incidents.

She has called me an idiot, a fat pig, a worthless piece of shit, and a failure of a husband and a father.

She has done all of the things that I have mentioned above directly in front of my children.

Is this expected? Is this to be tolerated? Is it anyone's opinion that the court will see this and say that these are actions of an angry wife and it happens all the time?

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Here's the question I have, because I know you've asked this before: If we say that the court might ignore some of her behaviors, how will that affect you? I mean, I would provide as much evidence as I could, and if the court ignores it, so what? Much worse to provide too little evidence, because then you're sure the court will ignore it.

Is it that you're seeking personal reassurance that you're being abused (you are), or would it change your behavior in court?

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Here's the question I have, because I know you've asked this before: If we say that the court might ignore some of her behaviors, how will that affect you? I mean, I would provide as much evidence as I could, and if the court ignores it, so what? Much worse to provide too little evidence, because then you're sure the court will ignore it.

Is it that you're seeking personal reassurance that you're being abused (you are), or would it change your behavior in court?

I am seeking custody of my children, and a lot of this is because of this abuse and the fact that I do not want them to be exposed to this behavior. She does a lot of things that a "primary caregiver" does, like takes them to doctor's appointments and packs their lunches, but I interact with them more outside of these activities and provide them with a much more stable and loving environment. I just was curious if seeking custody is a waste of my time and money. I feel that her behavior towards me could one day be directed towards them.

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Well, I'm not sure that anyone else can tell you whether or not it's "worth" fighting for custody of your children. I would think that decision would be fundamental to whether you should have custody. Some things don't give you the luxury of "maybe". And some battles are so noble that it doesn't matter whether they're a foregone conclusion or not.

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Nope, you can't waste time that's freely given. :-)

No one made us respond.

It's just that we're better equipped to deal with the human side of child abuse (spousal abuse, even) and divorce, which are definitely "big enough" for discussion here. In other words, "you" are just as important and relevant as anyone else here, but the important part of whether you should seek custody isn't whether or not you will succeed.

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Thank you Malign, for your response. I am dealing with my issues and after reading some other threads I do feel that the abuse that I am being subjected to is minimal compared to what others discuss.

I am happy to have found this forum, it has helped for me to realize that I am not crazy and/or misinformed when I thought that I was being abused. It has been going on for years, just when I informed her that I wanted out it escalated to an alarming degree. The other unfortunate thing is that her friends are completely unaware of what is going on, and I am no about to tell them for fear of the ramifications.

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It is important that you view yourself as firstly important as well as strong, capable and willing to do what is right for yourself - which in turn, is right for your children. What lesson in this is your son learning about what it is to be a man? Should he also view himself as a powerless victim? Are there better ways for you to handle yourself in your situation which will reveal your strengths and abilities and coping skills and provide your son with a permission of sorts, to be comfortable revealing his own strengths, etc.?

JP

JP,

Thank you for your response. I do feel like a powerless victim. Frankly I am not sure what I can do to help the situation at this point. I need to stay in the house if I am to fight for my children in court because my attorney told me that if I leave it may cost us custody of the kids. I am not about to fight back with her because I do now know what she is capable of. I do not want to sound overly dramatic but I do think that she has had thoughts of killing me, even though she has not expressed it to me in words. She has said things like, "my vengeance is nothing compared to what God's will be on your soul." I do feel helpless at this point, but I need to fight for my children because I do not want them exposed to this for the rest of their lives. If it makes me seem like a coward at this point because I am not doing anything, then so be it.

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And therein lies the problem. I suspect that you "throwing your hands in the air" is not a new thing. If you are genuinely looking to have the situation change, then I suggest you figure out what you can do to help the situation because change will not occur unless you do. Change does not occur while someone waits for it. It occurs when someone makes it happen. Part of figuring out what you can do today is to recognize and take responsibility for what you have done in the past, which had you been aware of then, what you are aware of today, you would do differently. If there is nothing about your past that, after looking deep within yourself, you realize that you could have done differently - more responsibly - then it is doubtful anything will change at all for you. If you continue to justify your own behavior and hold other people responsible for behavior that on its own is wrong, despite how someone "drove you to it", then it is diffiicult to see anything good come out of this situation for you or your kids. I am personally not convinced your children are better off with you.

If you are truly fearful that your wife is going to hurt you or kill you, then I imagine you would move out. It doesn't do your kids much good if the courts grant custody to a dead father. It just doesn't compute.

I am admittedly being a bit rough with you, but it seems crucial that you see yourself as an active, living contributor to the world around you.

JP

Thanks again JP. I will take your words to heart and do some soul searching. You are right, no one drove me to do anything that I have done wrong in the relationship. I am probably at least somewhat responsible for the abuse.

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