What is happening with me?

[sadgreeneyes]

I don´t know what it is with me the latest weeks, I wonder am I depressed? I feel very sad in between and have stayed away from meeting the few people I know as much as I can except for my best friend which I feel I can just relax around, there is no stress and she lives in the same building as me. I am,even I know some people, extremely lonely. Even lonely among people.

Because I can´t find my way home. I have an imaginary place/peace place, with my mom and brother and all as a family, the family we should have been if things were differently. I miss my mother so much, I never had her as a child, she had schizophrenia and there wasn´t much communication, I saw here twice a year and when she died 3 years ago I didn´t got to say goodbye.

I have had some horrible nightmares revolving the family who has past away. My sister has too and we have very much the same nightmares. Even my sisters daughter has have a few of the same.

My best friend got a baby two months ago. The baby´s father is a psychopath and have yelled and been violent in front of the baby. My best friend said she had let the father into her flat again. I can´t deal with hearing this anymore, after this happend I have got an overwhelmingly sadness, can´t stand to hear about if he would be yelling again to her or the baby, I feel shaky if we talk about the issue she has, yet at same time I feel angry for her letting the father in when she knows how he is. I feel like crying many times.

I feel even more sad after I heard this. I told her I can´t handle hearing this anymore and if she will let him in again I would prefer not to hear about it.

I have helped and supported her many times, even with the cops. But with the baby born I can´t deal with it anymore.

I think her situation is triggering something in me, my own childhood was abusive, my father was violent and beat my mom and brother when they were alive. And I was the one who sat alone in a corner hiding when my parents were fighting. I did hide in my fathers bedroom, I guess I was trying to block it out and was scared, I was little, around 3 years old.

I have a lot of grief which I have never got help for. I feel extremely sad, but I don´t know the reason why it feel so much stronger at this point in my life. I have had several abusive relationships and have the latest months started to become aware of myself, to take care of myself emotionally, which I have never done before.

Is there something triggering my feelings? I have very anxious feelings and feel like crying. If I get just a little critic, which isn´t really critic, the abuse I have experienced before triggers in me and want to cry, even from my best friend. I feel like I want to be somewhere in real now time, this "somewhere" I have problems picturing in my mind, it´s like the happy place I want to be in doesn´t exist, but at same time feel I have to be alone away from something that might be stressful for me.

I don´t know what is going on with me?

[malign]

Offhand, I'd say that, rather there being something wrong with you, you may be trying to heal. I think it happens a lot to people who have finally stabilized their lives, to start to relive some of the events that they had stuffed away because they were too painful to handle.

It seems to me that the thing you have to decide now is whether you can heal on your own, or need help. There are a lot of professional therapists out there who might be able to help you deal with your grief and pain from the past.

[AndreaB]

hi and welcome I think you should talk to someone about how your feeling. Stress, tramatric events, death, and issues from childhood can all triggger depression. That's what happened to me. You might want to research it and go talk to someone if only to get things off your cheast. As far as your friend goes I knwo you care about her, but shes an adult and its not your responsibility to take care of her. It's making you feel ill and stress. Please get some help or at least talk to someone I know how you feel being sad and stressed.

[sadgreeneyes]

Malign and Andrea,

thanks both of you for responding to my post, I feel that what you both are saying are right and it makes me see things better. I think too I need to start finding a therapist, I have been thinking about it, even got advice here from Dr. Schwartz to go see one, but it seems like I just have the thought and then it slips my mind for a while. And I don´t have afford to go see one, but maybe I will find someone for free:confused:. I heard a woman mentioning live therapy, does that exist, anyone who knows? I see that nothing gets better. I have never felt so upset before of issues that doesn´t belongs to me, I do think it is triggering my repressed childhood memories. Because when I have been alone for a couple of days after this I calm down again.

Thank you for telling me I´m not responsible for my friend, I first felt bad for saying to her I prefer not to hear about it if she takes him back in, but why should I. If she is a good friend she will understand and I think she does. I am also thinking that it is only fair that I´m not a person who are going to listen to her and him and the poor baby when I have childhood trauma myself because of the same issues. It will definitely make me feeling only more depressed.

Thanks again for telling me I´m not a bad friend even so:) I´ll see what I can find of therapy.