Disgust at myself

[LookingForHelp]

Hello everyone. I'm new to this forum so please let me know if I'm being too explicit or breaking forum etiquette. Also I'm not sure how to go about getting this out, and find myself repeatedly typing/retyping sentences to try and make sense to myself.

Just in case it's useful, my background is I'm 22 from the UK and grew up in a 'normal' family with loving parents and a sister 2 years younger.

The problems first started when I was around 13/14 as I became more and more sexually aware, however always overweight and didn't have the normal 'growing-up' experiences with girls and sex until I was 18.

This used to keep me awake at night worrying and perhaps as a result I also started to have sleeping problems, with the most concerning being where I would have vivid dreams and wake up to find I was acting them out. I would wake up still a little dazed and thinking I was still dreaming until after a few minutes where I would come to my senses.

This problem almost pulled my life apart one night when my sister slept in my bed as she often did, being young and scared of the dark (and it was never anything other than that).

One night, I woke up to find myself touching her, and for a short time I did not realise what was happening. She woke up and quietly walked out.

We didn't speak for a long time even though we lived in the same house. I felt utterly ashamed, embarrassed, depressed, borderline suicidal, and felt I was plummeting to the depths of hell. Every day I expected her to tell my parents and my whole world would collapse. I permanently lived in fear that she told her friends and they knew my shameful secret. I didn't tell anyone and felt like a selfish coward protecting myself.

I understand this is nothing compared to how she must have felt, which added to the guilt and feeling of worthlessness.

Even now typing this, I can feel those emotions rushing back. The panic of not knowing who knew, wondering if I should have told someone, thinking I was a sex offender, a paedophile, a rapist, wondering if I should have explained to her, wondering if I should just leave home and never come back (obviously not a viable option at 14). Sorry, I'm rambling.

In the years after that, we never spoke of it, and gradually things between us almost got back to normal. However I found myself more and more confused sexually, I ended up increasingly lost and starting browsing CP websites, viewing more and more explicit material. There were even moments where I would fantasise about that night in my bed with my sister, which was so utterly confusing and shameful I didn't think it mattered any more. I had reached the lowest point.

As the years passed, I slowly stopped using the websites, and thought less about what had happened that night, and somehow developed a healthy relationship with a girl which probably helped to stabilise me somewhat. Now, me and sister are very close and the old wounds seemed to have partially healed, but I still feel like I've lived a disgusting life.

I am now having problems with 'performance anxiety' where I can't relax and feel very nervous about having sex with girls I meet resulting in a very embarrassing problem, which again feels like a shameful secret I have to hide.

I envy those who say they have no regrets, and would give anything to not have all these secrets.

Thankyou for reading, I have no idea what to expect from this so please say what you're thinking.

[Symora]

Hello Looking for help, I'm glad you were able to share. I'm a mom of young adults now, and of course I have also been a teenager, way back when Many of my issues also started in adolescence, at a time when I was not mature enough to properly analyse what was happening to me.

My dear, I wish to could tell you to just put that incident behind you and forget about it - but I know that such traumatic events are hard to put behind us. I don't get the sense that you are a pervert, or weird, or anything else of that sort. You were a normal 14 year old boy who was immersed in confusing sexual feelings, and having your little sister in your bed at that point when you were between childhood and adulthood was just one of those things that happens. It's embarassing but it is not an abnormal thing to happen when a young man is asleep and a female cuddles up. Your dreams were normal adolescent explorations of sexuality in my opinion, and that incident was just a one off. We all have some of those embarassing moments lived in adolescence because we are ackward and confused during those years of moving towards adulthood.

My opinion is that you should forgive yourself for that indiscretion. Perhaps it would have relieved some of the guilt had you spoken to someone at the time, but that did not happen and it became a 'secret' that you are now ashamed of. You have done a good thing in that you have shared it with us, so it need not continue to resonate within you as 'secret' or 'shameful' thing. I don't see it as something that should carry as a burden, but rather something that you should store in your drawer of 'embarassing' experiences that you had no control over, it just happened the way it happened... like me going to the beach with a group of classmates when I was 14, going to the cabin to change into my bathing suit and walking out not realizing that I had my bra on instead of my bathing suit top - until a teacher pointed it out. I know that sounds silly today when seeing people in bras is commonplace , but for me at the age of 14 is was like walking out naked in front of my classmates!!! I still cringe when I think about it...makes me feel sleezy, but there was never any such intent...

I am happy to see that you have now moved to having normal relationships with women, with all the ups and down of that I'm sure . Choose not to feel shame about the incident and forgive the young adolescent that you were, with all the naivete that goes with that....

Bonne chance!

Symora

[Bluerose]

LookingForHelp,

Hi! As the mother of two grown sons and a daughter, I agree whole heartedly with Symora. You were a normal 14 year old boy, and there was a little accident that got blown all out of proportion in your mind. Stop beating yourself up. You and your sister will laugh about it one day.

[TerrifiedUser]

Hey, seeing as you are an adult now, and not having any abnormal fantasies, maybe things have turned out okay?

Edit: and I see that may not be the issue, but you can't feel too guilty, as by the sounds of things, you weren't really in fulll control of your actions, I mean, I'm sure the idea wouldn't have passed your mind if you were wide awake

[LookingForHelp]

Thankyou for your replies. Hope you all had a great Christmas holiday.

Thanks also for a little perspective, I suppose I needed to tell someone more than anything.

[Symora]

It was good that you shared. Those 'secrets' that roll around in our head can make us crazy, but once they are out in the light of day they often lose their power.

Have some great holidays!

Symora

[TerrifiedUser]

Hey lookingforhelp, take some releif in the fact that we're not disgusted at you

[catsirish]

now that you are grown up, an apology would suffice.

[TerrifiedUser]

Hey, in response to the post above, that may not be a bad idea, in fact she may think you're more normal if she realises that it was accidental and that it did genuinely bother you. Also, it's always nice to receive an apology.

Of course, you know her best, and maybe get confirmation from a couple of other people on this board as to weather that would be a good thing to do in this scenario

[Symora]

I personally don't think an apology is even in order since it was just one of those unintentional things. If I was going to talk about it I would put it in terms of sharing how you have felt icky about it ever since. Girls usually respond well to a sharing of feelings and she will understand where you are coming from I think.

I'll share a 'guilt' story of mine that I've been able to let go of as I got older. A bunch of cousins were playing in my uncle's pool, as young teenagers do, and because of the age group there was lots of sexual tension Anyway, I end up on my cousin's shoulders for a toss-back. He puts his hand rather close to my privates and there is that moment of yikes! But then it all happens quickly, and who knows if it was intentional or not, and everyone feels bad and uncomfortable. I realize this is only a cousin so the social implications are different, but in looking back at it many, many years later :cool: I see that we were just at that uncomfortable age where things happen, and we are not mature enough to evaluate it properly, so we get stuck in that way of seeing it, even as we grow up we have this immature way of perceiving the event. But the older you get, the more distance there is between then and now, the more you see it for what it was. An embarassing moment....

My cousin and I never talked about it because there was really no need. Nobody got hurt, their was no evil intent, it was a moment in time no more. This is perhaps not the case with your sister, you may eventually choose to look back on it together, but I see no need to actually apologise... gives a bad spin to it in my opinion....

My two cents worth

[LookingForHelp]

Thanks for all your input. I've often wondered if this is what causes my anxiety or lack of confidence, or if it's just a red herring. Suppose I should just take it one step at a time.

I understand how an apology would be a good thing in certain circumstances, but we have a really strong relationship and I worry it might freak her out. There's a part of me that thinks she may have pushed the memory out (or whatever the correct psychological term may be) so wouldn't want it all to resurface.

Feels better just for someone other than me knowing, although it's strange that complete strangers from around the world know more secrets in my life than my closest friends and family!

I'm going to see my GP about performance anxiety and sleeping problems/insomnia which is a start at least!

[Symora]

Some things are easy to tell strangers I find than close family. They don't have to know everything, and with strangers it does not needs to follow us throughout our life like it would with family. And sometimes strangers can offer more objective opinions than family as well... they are more detached from the situation.

Good for you that you are going to talk to a doctor - I hope you find some answers.

Bonne année!