Am I a Pedophile

[confusedboy16]

Confusedboy16,

Thank you for sharing parts of what you are going through at home. That is a tremendous emotional (over) load to deal with. I am sorry that things are so rough for you. It seems to me that anxiety is a perfectly natural and normal response to the circumstances in your life. Your anxiety is not an indication of there being something "wrong" with you. It is simply your body and mind's response to external stimulations which are inconsistent with the purity of who you are. Even the few details which you shared could easily be linked to an obsessive concern for children - being filtered through the complexeties which accompany being a 16 year old boy - resulting in an unfounded self-assessment - pedophilia. And then round and round your mind goes.

At 16 it is difficult to change the external circumstances in your life. Ideally that would be done by your parents. That is unlikely to happen if your Mom is an alcoholic, which greatly contritutes to your challenging circumstances. Having said that, it seems like you need to take the lead and somehow create a means for you to strengthen your coping skills. The best way I know how to suggest that is for you to find someone to talk to. In part, I feel badly saying that because again, you deserve to have someone in your life who would make things better for you - simply based on the fact that you deserve to have a peaceful home life and to be shown "the ropes" to create and enjoy a happy life. However, like many of us, your situation falls gravely short from the ideal - so you gotta do what you gotta do.

Where is your father in all of this? Is there a way for you to find a therapist or counsellor through school?

I wish that an internet exchange could somehow prove to be as powerful and effective as a face to face exchange. If that were the case, I would do whatever it takes to assure you that you have someone on your side that will go to great lengths to rally for you. In the absence of that possibility, I can only suggest that you find someone, wherever you are, to talk to and who will elicit the strength and capabilities which are inherently yours so that you can move passed this with a sense of accomplishment and confidence. Despite how crappy this all feels right now, there is always a solution and within those solutions, you will find great strength and opportunity which will contribute toward the fulfilling and joyous life which you undoubtedly deserve.

Peace,

JP

Right, so does this mean because of the problems I have faced, I am more likely to be a pedophile? Please can I just go over this again, my mother drinks excessively, and it can sometimes be scary for me to think she could die, but she doesn't act like a 'normal' alcholic. She is very supportive and very loving, she's currently training to be a social-worker - I know weird, but the truth is she's lovely, she's just got caught up in drinking. Also, she drinks more now as she isn't currently working as she look severance. She use to work for HMRC, a non-ministerial department of the UK goverment. I explain this because I am unsure where you are from and assume you are from America? Please, accept my apologies if you are not. Anyway, yeah; she's very loving, I always chat with her about my problems, and we chat about her alcoholism, but this thing is alcholism is a disease and very hard to suppress. One thing I am yet to discuss is my sexuality. I do not feel this present moment in time is a good time to discuss this, and will, when I'm ready. Yes, I can find a therapist, and I think I will. My mum said I should go and she'll find one for me, which we'll do next week, as this weekend is a bank-holiday weekend. Today, I've been researching POCD - Pedophile Obsessive Complusive Disorder, but I'm sure you know what it is. Is it possible I hate that? Thing is, I'm sure I'm starting to get errections' orgasms. Does this come with POCD? Does my mind make me think I'm sexually attracted. I think I'm actually becoming one. I know I keep on going on, but I'm truly terrified at the prospect of being a "pedo". It's like, when I think of a child, not a specific child, just a child, I get a semi-arrection. My penis doesn't stiffen but it feels like it is, and my testicle and scrotum harden/ tighten. Am I now just over-worried? Thank you for taking time to try and help me, I really appreciate it.

[JulianP]

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[confusedboy16]

Thank you, I think I am over-worrying, and, the worry is starting to consume me as I'm spending all my time and energy reasearching these things. I am very confused at the moment, as I've mentioned before. I beleive I have good prospects and aspirations to focus on; such as university - I want to study Jurisprudence. I'm going to try and forget about this. I just don't understand, God, I'm so repetitive. Please, don't be sorry. I didn't take affence. I understand. I didn't fully explain the situation. She's not an un-caring alcoholic. She's just not in the right frame of mind at the moment, she's had many problems; such as her mum dying in 2005, this is when it all went down-hill. Can I ask you one question, are you a doctor? You seem to be very intelligent and very experienced. I'm going to take your advice and research therapists. One section you did not answer was the pre-arrections/ orgasms. Why am I experiencing this when thinking about children? I am sorry to bring this up again, you must be getting so fustrated. I'm just confused and, well, confused. Being this age really is a bummer.

[confusedboy16]

I would just like to thank you all for your help and support. You have truly helped me through this difficult time, and given me a wider insight into my problems. I wish you all the best with yours (if you have any) and will give you an update of my progress when it comes. Once again, thank you so much.