Am I a Pedophile

[confusedboy16]

This is a new thread taken from tale end of a previous thread-- David O.

Hello,

I'm 16. Recently I have been really worried about being a "pedo". I can't get it out of my head. I worry about seing my little cousins just incase I get an errection. I can't help it. Recently, I visited the doctors about something else and he said I have anxiety. Maybe, the anxiety is making me think weird. I can't stop thinking about it. I was crying all day yesterday. The thing is, I've my mum and she says I'm just confused and pedophiles don't often use the term pedophile and acknoledge pedophillia as being wrong, but I do. I know it's wrong which is why I'm so worried about being one. Its got to the point where I worry about going out incase I see a child. I can't get these thoughts out of my head. I've tested myself aswell. I know I get an errection when seing a picture of a grown man, as I'm gay but not when I see one of a child. When I see a picture of a child I go all weird and just want to get off the picture. Am I just over anxious or am I becoming a pedophile? I really don't want to be one, I'm so scared. I couldn't bare the thought of actually being a "pedo". Someone, please help me. Sorry for the many spelling mistakes, I was typing really fast.

[JulianP]

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[confusedboy16]

Dear JulianP,

Thank you for your rapid response. I'm truly thankfull. I feel a little less anxious from reading your response. Over the past week or so I have been feeling over anxious and very concerned. I suppose it all stemmed from myself having and errection in the morning one day when my cousin - who is 21, brought her son into the room - who is 2. I believe, now, this errection was normal and down to me needing to 'pee'. I often have an errection upon waking so this eased my anxiety. At the moment, I have alot of things on my mind; exams being one the those things. I feel this could have made me over worry. I still, however, feel a tad unsure. It's like my life is now over. As I explained before I don't get an errection over children I just get this weird sensation, which worries me; I then have to stop viewing the picture straight away. Is this normal? Is this just me over worrying? I understand that I am at an age where my body is changing and I am changing from a child to a young adult. I sometimes feel like I have a constant orgasm, or, at least that's what I think it is. I wouldn't fully know as I'm a virgin, which I feel fine about. I feel almost licentious at times - even though I've never had sex and don't intend to for a while yet. I know alot of the stuff I've mentioned above seems impertient - not in the rude sense, but it's things that's troubling me. I feel if this feeling persists I will seek medical help. Once again, thank you very much and I'm very sorry for the many grammar, punctuation and spelling mistakes. I was typing exceedingly fast.

[confusedboy16]

To add to this; I've also been having intrusive thoughts. Is this normal?

[confusedboy16]

To add to this again. I'm also not very socially confident, not to the point where I don't go out at all but I'd prefer to be with a small group of friends' than a profuse - if that's the word, amount of people. I also don't like speaking infront of large crouds. This worries me because I read on Wiki that alot of "pedos" are socially inept or un-confident. I'm sorry to hastle you guys' I'm just very worried. I can't stop crying about it, but I then think to myself "pedophiles don't think of what they are as wrong" whereas I DO! I know and comprehend that abusing/ molesting a child is wrong. The thing is, I don't want to come to the point where I sexually molest and abuse a child as it's both illiegal and immoral. I also used to get bullied; not to the extent where I would want to kill myself but where I felt down and depressed. I was never bullied, bullied, if you understand what I mean, people would just somtimes call me names like "gay" and, well, "gay".

[confusedboy16]

Also, would I know for certain if I was a pedophile? Would it have been in me from birth? Because I've never felt like this around kids' before, its just started in the last week. I must elucidate that I don't get a sexual feling like an orgasm, but an adernalin rush or anxiety rush and I feel all weird. Up to this week I've loved being around my cousin's but now I'm so scared I might get an errection or any type of sexual feeling. Please, someone help me. I don't want this feeling anymore. I've looked at a picture of a child before and not got an errection just a weird sensation but when looking at a picture of someone I'm sexually attracted to I get an errection almost instantaneously.

[JulianP]

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[been there]

The feelings you describe do not make you a pedophile. Being gay myself I experienced a similar thing coming out . It is still difficult being a gay teenager . My father caught me kissing and holding hands with my boyfriend at 12. He made damn sure through verbal rantings that I was a pervert. Something I held onto for a while and i used to punish myself by inventing that there was something wrong with me sexually. I too have had strange sensations when looking at pictures of children , not definable, but same anxious , fearful response.

I agree with Julian P look at these images and really see them for what they are, I did and through some very good counseling realized that my response was emotional and connected to my fathers verbal abuse. Not saying you have any of those problems, but when you are coming out it can be difficult to ignore all the negativity about gayness , and easy to beat up on yourself by labeling yourself something your not or inventing something that doesn't exist.

[confusedboy16]

To JulianP:

Once again, I thank you for your support and help. You really have given me an insight into life and sexual changes. Ah, the joy of "morning errections". This is NOT one specific image but any image in gerneral. For instance, when on Facebook. I don't designedly go out of my way to look for these pictures. I just get scared when seeing pictures of children. When I started worrying about being a pedophile I would purposely look for a picture - not an explicit one just a picture of a small child in general. I would do this to see if I became sexually attracted to the child or eroused - and I didn't. I would just get an awfull feeling of adrenalin and anxiety. Almost an unexplainable feeling like that of restless leg syndrome, but not. I'm sorry if you stuggle to understand why I'm saying as I'm trying to get it all out as once. As I asked before, would I know if I were a pedophile and would it be there all the time? Because, I always sort of knew I was homosexual, it was always sort of there. I've never fancied girls' just boys'. Is it the same for pedophillia or does it develop? One other thing that I think is really worrying me is the animosity and abhorrence society in general has against pedophiles - I don't want to be hated. I think I've fully answered your reply. And once again thank-you very much. You have been of great help to me. I'm sorry to hastle you like this. PS: Sometimes I also feel angry, like I wan't to hurt someone/ something. Not kill or murder just like punch. Does this have any correlation with pedophillia or is this just me being me, or having too much stress. I, however, don't feel like I need to hurt a child. Not in a molesting way. I feel I need to get my anger out, like punching a punch bag.

[confusedboy16]

Dear Been There, thank you for your help. I understand what you're saying, bing homosexual is hard, but it does not worry me too much. My family, friends and acquaintances - mostly, are all ok about homosexuality. They see nothing wrong with it and neither do I, but obviously I wouldn't as I'm gay myself. I have done what you said; I looked at a picture of a small child for around 20 seconds and got no errection just a weird persistent feeling telling me to go off th picture incase I get an errection. I then looked at a picture of a guy, a jock to be precise and got an errection straight-away. Alsmost instantly.

[been there]

Dear Confusedboy16 I am sorry you are so distressed and I don't know if this is any help but if you get an erection over a jock and not a child does that "Testing yourself " reinforce your gayness> I also tested myself over and over again, to the point of driving me crazy and increasing my anxiety and fear of children [what you may be experiencing by your response]. Not once did I ever have any response to kids but didn't stop the doubt or "what if" next time.

So I understand some of your anxiety and I sympathize with how it makes you feel, Intrusive thoughts can also be a scary thing to deal with, you don't really mean it just pops into your head. Yep had those as well. Frustration?

My way of dealing with intrusive thought patterns is not to dwell on them to let them slip away as meaningless junk your imaginative brain comes up with. They tend to diminish when less anxious or stressed. Please remember that every thought we have becomes the past, and can be let go, its not relevant to the present. Easier said than done when you are feeling confused.

[confusedboy16]

Thank you guys'. You've been a lot of help. The one thing I can't comprehend is why I think I'm a pedophile. Is it normal with Anxiety? I don't know anyone that thought they were a pedophile.

[jamesdean21]

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[JulianP]

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[TerrifiedUser]

Only just noticed this thread, and hearing you talk about your "tests" was all to familiar to me myself. Read my thread, it will make you feel better because you'll realise you're in a way better situation than myself.

I'm sure this has been said, but ever wondered if the terrified feelings you get when looking at a child are simply from the fact that you are also terrified about the idea of pedophilia. Anyway, let it all go, I mean, you don't mb to younger people, implying you don't think of them, further implying that you are not a pedophile

Edit: Don't mean to hijack this thread, but would I be right in assuming that me becoming unerrect when looking at pictures implies I am not attracted to them (@ Julian)

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David O wrote>>> Not wanting to also hijack the thread---- Terrified, see Penile Plethysmography/Tumescence Studies as described in State v. Spencer, 119 N.C. App. 662, 459 S.E.2d 812 (1995) as an excellent review of both the clinical and legal standards for pedophilia. This may help answer your questions from this post and your 2 other threads on this subject.

http://www.smith-lawfirm.com/Scientific_Evidence_Brief.html

Now, young man... on to the exercises, if you will.

God Luck

David

[confusedboy16]

Thank you very much JulianP. There are a few things I need to update you on. Today, I went out with a friend to the local shopping centre. I was so anxious, I couldn't stop thinking about being a pedophile; if I was a child I would have to look away quick - then I'd want to look again to see if I was a pedophile. I'm so confused. Also, today I felt like I has a constant orgasm or errection even though I didn't. IS THIS NORMAL AT MY AGE? It's come to the point whre I just can't get it off my mind. I shared my feelings about this with a friend today, I don't know if it helped. One thing I need you to answer is, is this normal? Because, I don't know anyone that's ever thought they were a pedophile, why am I thinking this? Thing is, as I said before I've never masturbated over a child or got an errection but feel so weird.

[confusedboy16]

Also, am I becoming sexually attracted to children? Can this happen? Is it prevalent. I'm so sorry to go on, I'm just really worried.

[JulianP]

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[confusedboy16]

My friend was very supportive and said she'd be there. She experiences anxiety aswell. As to why I have these anxiety issues - I don't know. It started a few weeks ago, and hasn't gone. I think it's my education, as I've missed many day at school which could have mad me, subconsciously, worried about failing.

[malign]

Why are you missing school, confused?

[confusedboy16]

I've missed may days from school as we've (my family) have had a few problems this year.

[malign]

I'm sorry to hear that.

I could definitely understand how missing school, and the reasons for why you've had to miss it, would contribute to your anxiety.

Are the family problems too personal to talk about? Lots of people have them. Who knows? We might even be able to help.

[confusedboy16]

Dear JulianP,

Today, Im sure when I thought about a child (not in a sexual way, just in general) my scrotum and testicles went hard. Is this normal? Or is this an errection, I'm really worried.

[confusedboy16]

I'm sorry to hear that.

I could definitely understand how missing school, and the reasons for why you've had to miss it, would contribute to your anxiety.

Are the family problems too personal to talk about? Lots of people have them. Who knows? We might even be able to help.

Dear Malign,

The family problems are personal, but I would be happy to discuss them on here with my identity hidden. We've had alot of money problems, my mum's sort of and alcholic, yet very clever and intellectual. She's just really depressed about things. Recently, my cousin came to live with us as she found out her boyfiriend who she was with was a child abuser. Everything was find until she went back to him, with her baby, yeah they had a baby who is now 2. So, she went back and tried to attack him as he was making our lives hell, he even shot our car windows. He then called the police and the baby was taken into care. We're hoping to get the baby back soon, but it's alot of hastle. I'm so confused at the moment. Yesterday, as I said I went out with a friend and was very scared when seing children. I'm really questioning whether I'm a pedophile or not. It's so scary, I don't want to be one. Thing is, these feelings have come from nowhere. I do worry about things alot though, I thought I had scizophrenia the other week as I just felt so low, and also my uncle has it which made me worry even more. Am I messed up? If I was a pedophile would I be telling my mum and disscusing it on here? I just don't know. I suppose I'm just in need of some answers. Pehophiles are scum of the Earth; I don't want to be one. I use to love having my little cousins' down, now I hate it because I'm just so scared. Also, why do my testicles and scrotum keep shrinking, is that bad? I can't get the thought of chilren out of my head, no in a sexual way, just children. Like in my head - to test myself, I'd think of a child and say Do I want sex with that child, even though I know I really don't. I'm sexually attracted to men. What if I am a pedophile, is there anything I can do?

[JulianP]

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