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same relationship problem over and over again


ttjack
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i can't figure it out but its a common theme in all of my relationships since my mom.....

after my dad had a stroke, my mom began seeing other men, she would gloat about getting free dinners while I would be eating a bag of chips for dinner. She had another boyfriend who she brought into the home that slept in the same bed as my Dad. I went through my moms things and was pissed off because I found hotel receipts. The reason why I was so pissed was that she wasn't making an effort to see my Dad or do anything for him and she had been married to him for 10 years.

The first girl I slept with had a bf in another state and she was sleeping around... at first i was into giving her oral and playing with her but when I found out I was just generally turned off and things went south, she still wanted to hang out but I latched on to another girl.

Well this girl was in a time off and didn't tell me until after we had hooked up. she came over crying because he was mean and some other drama.. i didn't really care because I just wanted a gf of my own... well we ended up dating for 2 years but when I found out she had her ex on the side and was secretive about it, the relationship faded, i just couldn't hold the relationship together after that because i felt insecure and just like wtf is wrong with me kind of a deal and she wasn't honest up front...

my third gf we were supposed to go to a football game so i stayed at her place. well she didn't come home until the morning and we missed the game. i was like no big deal but later in the day i snooped on a phone call she was on because her voice was low and over heard about her drama and staying with her ex... to say the least my distrust broke that relationship....

my fourth one well I destroyed that one it was to good to be true.

I was smarter when I was dating around and then....

Started seeing this girl she was religious seemed safe had some good qualities and went with it... well after knowing her for 7 months i proposed but it turned out to be a mistake because not to long after that I found out she slept with another guy and even dated that guy but had flipped out and broke up with me for a month because I 'yelled' at her for attacking me verbally... Any how I hooked up with her later in our on-off again phase and now we have a kid together..... i been trying to make things work with her but i just dont feel the emotional connection like i feel i should...

this is a constant theme in my relationships since my mom its like i'm reliving the same crap over and over again and this girl since we have a kid together I just can't get away from her, i have to deal with her....

i wonder like im attracting this stuff to me so but I just don't know what I am doing wrong to have attracted this kind of stuff in my life.... is it because I have masturbated to gay porn and had cybersex with men? is it because my penis or body isn't good enough? what is it that turns women away from me?

I just don't get it. I am employed and have been. I am responsible did the things I thought would make me likable... I just don't get it. any ideas?

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Hi ttjack

You don't mention much about your personality but... could that have anything to do with it?

A girl wants someone who is devoted to her. I'm not saying that you wasn't to all your girlfriends but... it seems strange that they have all seen boys behind your back so... something is wrong but what...?

I'm sorry I couldn't of been of any help to you but maybe someone on here can give you some good advice?

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Hi! ttjack,

My first impression of your post was that since you seem to be finding everyone who has a past to be a negative you might be unconsciously 'painting everyone with the same brush'. Good relationships, regardless of past experiences, take time to unfold at their own pace. The secret is to go into the relationship without dragging along or dragging up past experiences. Try to stay on the positive side of things until you have a clear picture of where things are going.

If your mother and father are still together, then your mother is well out of line. If they're not then she is entitled to a life of her own but she could be a little more discrete.

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Hi TT

No I don't think there's anything wrong with you. And you can't attract something that you perceive 'good' or 'bad' per se in your life, you aren't being punished by 'the universe' in anyway. More likely, you may accept some things in your life at the moment that you don't feel are right, because of your past experiences, how they've shaped your perception of relationships and of yourself. Clearly, for one, you seemed deeply troubled over the event with your mom and dad.

There seem to be several issues that you'd like to work out in your mind 1] some thoughts about your sexual orientation and/or behavior 2] some thoughts about your self worth 3] some thoughts about values pertaining to your relationships with women.

The history of relationships you are relating only repeats themselves for the possible reason that there are some issues that need to be worked out and that you accept these behaviors perhaps because perhaps you are feeling that you aren't 'good enough' just the way you are and feel that you must accept them no matter what, rather than being alone [?]. But you do have a choice in your life, and you also have the right to be how you are, and do the things that make you feel comfortable, that is, as long as you are not hurting anyone.

It's about acceptance and finding a person who accepts us the way we are. Whether you feel comfortable with what you do and what arouses you is your decision and it is perfectly fine. I only mention this because you brought it up. I do not know at this point to what extent this is something troubling to you...

It seems you may equate the fact that you are in a relationship that isn't working out so well for you with your own self worth. Relationships that do not fit our needs are just that. They aren't a reflection of our self worth. What is important is how we can make sure our relationships work well within our values, and help us feel good, rather than feel bad about ourselves. Sometimes the relationships can be worked at, sometimes they have to be abandoned, for the benefit of all involved. It is a matter of evaluating what is important to you, and whether both partners are willing to meet each others needs, and work on that, rather than one person accepting anything, just to keep the relationship. Now, I am not discounting the fact that you have a child. This child does need you, you are right. But consider whether you will be able to take better care of this child together, or separate. Consider your options. Consider if your differences with your partner can in fact, be worked out, and you are both willing to make the relationship better. consider that you may need the help of a therapist as well...

In regards to your experience of witnessing your mother's behavior within her relationship with your dad which has had an impact on your own perception of what you are willing to accept in your relationships, my perception, according to what you wrote is that you strongly disagree with what she did. You do not want to pursue a relationship where there is dishonesty and you believe it is and/or would be hurtful to you. You believe that it would be hurtful to your child if they were to witness it. And you are right because you have experienced pain in the past because of this very experience. And time and time again, you have ended relationships that had a degree of dishonesty or cheating in it.

I think that the fact that you have engaged in but also ended these types of relationships in the past show three things:

a] you are willing, and want to seek relationships that are honest and faithful, this is important to you. It is one of your values. And you should continue to do so.

b] you want to be loved, be in a loving relationship with a partner, you want to love, and you want the best for your child.

c] you can seek relationships that fit this value, and refuse to be with partners that do not want the same. It is your right.

When entering new relationships, a way to ensure this is to clearly state your values and your needs as early as possible into a relationship and ask your partner what their values are. And then evaluate if you are on the same page, and if what they say also match their behavior. If it doesn't, end the relationship. It's similar when it's an established relationship, but it may be harder to leave because of emotional attachment and other involvements together. But it doesn't change the fact that your needs need to be met. It is important.

Even if you may be without a relationship at times, it isn't a reflection of your self worth. There are a lot of people out there that do seek and are willing and able to be in faithful relationships. And you will find them if you state and stick to your needs and value. Your past relationships have shaped you and can decide to see them as learning experiences that have made your values stronger, and apply them as well. Take pride in your values. By making yourself available to what you seek, and stepping away from what you do not want, you will in fact be available to a healthy relationship when it comes along, and recognize it.

hope this helps.

Edited by tourdelove
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tourdelove, forgive me but I think we do attract certain types of people to us. The thing is we are each a certain type of person and we attract a certain type of person. Just look at your friends and family. Check out how they keep going for the same type of person.

If we want to attract a different type of person then we need to make a few changes in ourselves. We can't change our basic personality but we can improve on things like attitude and expectations.

We are apt to get what we expect to get so the secret is to begin to expect the very best of everything that this world has to offer and know that we deserve it.

All of this sends out energy, the more positive you are, the more positive is the energy you send out.

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... and you attrack positive things to you. I've actually experimented with that for years. I intentionally study what happens as a consequence of my ups and downs, how the energies provoke certain reactions in people. Compassion, standing inside or outside my bubble, fear, joy. The biggest fascination I have is with the power of kindness. I have found sincere kindness to be an especially powerful force for healing on the hearts of (wo)men.... is very soothing and comforting for people. I have noticed that it has a very powerful power of attraction. If used naively it can also be taken advantage of by others, but that's another story...

So I agree that you do indeed drawn things to yourself, the Buddha says that thoughts of everything, that your reality emanates from them, so keeping them positive does help direct what you will draw-allow into your space...

What do you think?

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It’s a part of the Law Of Attraction. There’s no getting away from it. We get back what we give out. What goes around comes around. Treat people badly and don’t be surprised when they come and burn down your house. Treat people with kindness and then stand back and wait for it to be returned. We don’t just do good things because we want good things in return. The point is that giving unconditionally definitely without a doubt improved the quality of our life and the lives of those around us.

Let’s face it life is tough why make it any tougher for ourselves or anyone else.

Working with an attitude of gratitude is important. And when we get there we find that we attract more like minded people to us and in doing so we experience better longer lasting relationships.

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No worries, I do like what you both said! And I do think in the same way. What I was trying to say is that sometimes, when things aren't working out with the way we perceive things, it is much easier to start and making changes if you can bring the things that are somewhat hidden in the subconscious to the forefront a little more by listening clearly to what we are saying to ourselves, and in turns change what isn't conforming to reality.

I think it is possible that you TT, are saying to yourself "I am not 'good enough' because of [evidences from the past XYZ], therefore I should baffle my own values to get 'love', or a version of it that may not suit me, because I cannot survive without it". "I have no choice". I propose to examine those thoughts and see if they're in fact are true. And examine what is it that you need, what is it that you truly want. What is it that would be a great bonus, but isn't truly essential to your survival? Then, after clarifying, organizing our thoughts, an discarding what isn't a reality anymore, but that we keep telling ourselves like a broken record [for a multitude of reasons], we are in a better position to take powerful actions towards happiness.

To me the question: 'am I attracting 'these things'' can resounds like more of an affirmation that leaves us trapped if not examined. Of course, I do ask myself this constantly when things aren't going as well as I think they 'should'. But, I wanted to make it clear that taking consciousness of our thoughts and in turns, our actions resulting from these thoughts, is the work at hand here.

I do think that we do attract certain events and people in our lives. Clearly. However, there are various degrees of complexity to which some causes and effects are interrelated. Some are pretty obvious, some less, and there are extremely complex cause and consequences that do exceed our comprehension at the moment, because they extend beyond ourselves and the number of years we have allocated on the planet, and perhaps, I got to say at least my own 'conscious' and extremely limited brain power. The things that happen to us aren't always connected in the A + B = C fashion, some are more like A + C + Z + 1C - K [etc] = D124.5. Now, if we would examine these causes and consequences clearly, calmly and for perhaps a long time, as Buddha did, we would indeed be enlighten, but for now, all I am suggesting to do is to start digging where I can see a solution and go from there.

The brain, conscious and subconscious included can be a powerful tool regardless of how limited an access we may have to it's resource at any point in time, as you say, it is the source of our thoughts, which are a direct cause of our actions. There are many things that we can control quite easily, merely by paying attention. I just want to stir clear from feeling guilty about it, as guilt doesn't solve anything. We can feel regrets, and acceptance, and acknowledge that our presence in this world does have an impact. Nobody is being punished. In the grand scheme of things, there isn't 'good' or 'bad'. We assign these qualities to things in our minds [... complex philosophical discussion that I wont get into here]. The only most basic truth is that nobody wants to suffer, and everybody wants to be happy. It's just that sometimes, it takes a while to figure out how to exactly 'get happy'... but that's a whole other discussion.

We are all basically saying the same thing here. I am just proposing to pin point exactly what are those thoughts, according to what keep on coming back and your lines TT, and then trying to question why is it that on the one hand we have certain values that we hold true in ourselves, yet, on the other, there are entanglement that prevents us from getting a relationship that fits these very values.

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I do understand what you mean Tourdelone. I have a concrete example. I had very bad back problems for years. At one point I blew a disk and could not even walk anymore. And while I was sitting in my chair for months, I kep thinking what am I doing to draw this to myself? It created guilt in me because I never did figure it out, except that in retrospect I realize I just wasn't the right question. There was an overarching issues that I had a weak back, I did not exercise enough, and generally I never heard my body enough to head it's warnings. But it could have been a cancer, or broken ankle. Some things we control, some not so much.

It's all very multi-layered. Learning about virtues is another layer that seems relevant to suffering. Like sometimes you attact to yourself exactly that which needs to be honed within you, may be patience at some point, assertiveness at another, or self-love, or tolerance.

I've looked at one of my daughter's progress through stages of life. She suffered a lot during her early twenties, but she has come out of the fire a much better person. She is now more torelant, more compassionate, kinder, less self-absorbed, gentler, and more sincere than she used to be. She was hard on people as a teenager, unable to put herself in another's shoes, demanding and selfish.... But today that person is gone, and I'm convinced it because of her suffering. It wore away the rough edges...

I'm not promoting suffering here :eek:, but I have accepted that sometimes suffering has a purpose that cannot be perceived at the time, a lesson that is only discerned in retrospect....

Edited by Symora
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Yep, I think you're right on the money on both counts there S. Our sufferings can help us if we let them and, as you said "ask the right questions", see us how we can take the right actions to correct our course and get a bit closer to truth and 'happiness'. I think it is the main goal of life.

Sometimes we whine a little, I know I do my fair share, but when we are ready to ask, then we can slowly, or sometimes, very quickly resolve issues that seemed so entangled for years or too painful or too scary the first time around. It's a learning process. It certainly is for me anyway.

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tourdelove,

Thanks for that generous reply. I think it's more than values. It's a state of mind. It's what we believe we deserve. And, unfortunately, so many of us don't believe that we deserve very much. I agree that some of us are definitely on the same page. I too would like to pin point a few things but I'm afraid it might come across like I'm preaching. I'm not. I'm into Zen Thought and it's not an easy thing to get across without sounding like a pompous ass.

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Yeah, sorry about the long post, I can't organize my thoughts in a concise manner, so then my posts inadvertently become, hum very 'generous' and repetitive ;) Plus, English is a second language for me and difficult, and I feel like I sound like my dictionary the other half of the time. Great combination I say.

I don't think that would make you a pompous ass. Why would it?

I don't know, go for it? I personally would love to know more about it, I just know little of it. I rarely feel like anyone is a pompous ass but mostly want to help always according to their own experiences, and I am sure you do too! So go on, I'm listening :(

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Thanks for the encouragement. I don’t want to take the thread off topic so I’ll just add a short reply to your post here then maybe we can take the discussion to a new thread if you’re interested.

I believe we create our own reality from our thoughts and our actions. Thought is creative. All thought, good and bad, is creative and tends to become a real thing. When we understand this we learn the truth about our creative mind and what we are truly capable of. If this is true then it explains why we only draw certain people and events to us. We get what we think about the most. The secret is to think more about what we really want and less about what we don’t want. Does that make sense?

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Here is what I learned....

The relationships that failed show that those girls were not as committed as I thought they might have been, and what they did showed disrespect. Not that it was their fault solely because the bottom line is I wasn't in the right head space to begin with because I myself was preoccupied with things I have mentioned on this board, my family, who and where I was a person, etc.

Based on what I saw with my Mom, yes trust is a major issue, but as pointed out I am also flexible depending on the connection. I understand people make mistakes, it all depends on the emotional feel good connection that matters.

When it comes to my own sexuality, I understand the homosexuality part and am finally OK with it and accept it as it is. I have nothing to be ashamed of in that department.

When it comes to women, I am sorting it out, because I feel like I like women, but honestly its confusing. Before my gay experiences it was just women, afterwords it took a back seat, but it still existed. Don't get me wrong, I love being with a woman sexually, its the emotional connection and general understanding of them that I am very confused about and have a hard time dealing with.

I'm working on sorting it all out.

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ttjack,

You seem to be in a good head space now. We shouldn't beat ourselves up for not having all the answers. It's a process like most things in life, it has to be allowed to unfold at it's own pace otherwise we would simply become overwhelmed with information.

Whether you like boys or girls or both is of no consequence. The important thing is how you treat them - and yourself.

"Don't get me wrong, I love being with a woman sexually, its the emotional connection and general understanding of them that I am very confused about and have a hard time dealing with."

So says every guy I have ever met. You are not alone. :)

We are an enigma and some of us have worked hard to be just that. :)

Don't even try to work us out, it'll give you a headache. Just learn to be a good listener and the rest will follow. :)

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