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Introducing my own depression


Schillaci
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Hi everyone,

I'd like to take time to tell something about myself. I've already posted a general introduction in the newbie section, but I want to highlight various aspects of myself separately in their respective subfora. Because that's what I eventually will be doing, talking about depression in the depression forum, talking about coping in the coping section etc...

I've been experiencing episodes of depression for a decade now. I'm not officially diagnosed as depressed, but depression is a very, very common secondary characteristic of my main disorder. And frankly, I don't expect it ever to go away. This is going to be my life. Now I'm a young adult and depressed, and if I make it that far, I'll become an old man and depressed.

I sometimes feel like I've fallen from the highest point in life to the lowest. I'm male, white, born in a rich country, and I've had the privilege of being born as a gifted human being. I wasn't a child prodigy, but I certainly tried, and did have achievements at young age that made the people around me believe that I could do anything I want. If they only knew that I was destined to spend the majority of my time doing nothing! It's no use being able to do everything, if that what I truly want is actually nothing. Oh, the irony!

It has been hard to accept the result of having a depression that's gonna stick with me forever. I'm not going to reach my potential. All those goals with which I've been imprinted, I am not going to reach. Mediocrity is my new goal now, using my talents to compensate for my disorders. At least that's what I'd like to think, what I'd like to want. In reality my new goal is engaging in my own personal variant of hedonism while simply trying to survive. In other words, I live from day to day until my life gets threatened. Then I organize myself to handle said threat. Once that's done, it's back to my own little world again.

Another thing depression has cost me is my social environment. Depressed people aren't that fun to hang with, and through bursts of rage I've scared away some as well. Though I can't say I didn't work consciously towards social isolation. I desired it, and I still desire it. I'll probably keep desiring it my whole life long. But at the same time I realize a human mind isn't built to be alone, and that social isolation is a manifestation of my illness trying to kill me! So it's best to retrieve a social environment.

That's what I truly hate about being mentally ill. You can't follow your instincts, because your instincts are trying to kill you. And if you're really not willing to let anyone govern your life like I am, then you better learn how to live dispassionately disciplined, like a robot, obeying the rational mind that says the heart is rotten, and ignoring the heart that screams the mind is hurting it. At least as much as you're able to, without killing yourself right away out of sheer dread. Luckily there are many ways of coping to try out before pulling the plug remains as last resort, but that's talk for the other subforum.

Anyway, nice to meet you people. It's good to know there's a place on the Internet where I can place depressed rants or reflections about depression any time I want.

Much love,

Schillaci

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