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I am throwing in the towel.


Proverbs31:28
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Don't give up! Never give up. You can fight this depression and win. Whatever you are going through it is not worth your life. Your life is worth so much. Look at all the good you can still do. Don't just throw it away. You have a mental illness but it is not who you are. Your mental illness is only a small part of you. You were created with a purpose and many talents and the ability to touch other people's lives. Just reach out to someone. Don't be afraid. There are people who care and can help you through this difficult time. If you can, try to write it all down. Tell us what's going on and maybe we can help.

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Lifeless,

You've been sharing with us for a few months now, and I observe that there is a distinct pattern of up and down you experience. This is a down time, but it will follow the pattern if you let it and you will come back up again. It's something to hold on for. I know that even the up times are not as good as you'd like, but they are up compared to the moments when you are feeling suicidal.

Has some crisis occured that has upset you? I know you don't want to share about it, but please do reconsider. Maybe we can help, and if we can't at least we can send positive feelings your way. I'm sending positive feelings your way now, but I'd like to know what is happening just the same (if you care to share).

Mark

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I am not sure I have a "pattern" so much as I keep getting my hopes up only to have them dashed again and again. My latest depression was triggered by something that occured with my psych's office and I literally felt the hope just drain from my body. That was around the time I started posting here, I think.

Somehowe, I kept allowng msyelf to believe that things had to get better, but they are not.

The reason for this particular post was that I am throwing in the towel on trying to get help. Nobody wants to help.

My therpist (who I have only seen 3 times and spoke with once on the phone) has actually been very insigtful. But, from day one, she has been concerned with my mental state and has not been bashful in sharing her opinion that I should be inpatient. I do not want to go inpatient. So, she agreed to work with me to that end.

She then suggested a med change might help as I have been on the smae meds for 4 years. She told me to call my psych, which was very difficult for me because of the above mentioned issue. So, instead, I called my GP, on T's advice and he called the psych. GP tells me the psych wants to talk to me. I left 2 messages and got no return call from the psych. So, T calls and is told that psych is out of the office until the end of the month. He already knew I needed help (he had spoken to GP) and he said he wanted to talk to me. But, nobody returned my call. Didn't even tell me he wasn't in.

So, Tuesday, T suggests I call GP and see if he can do a med adjustment until psych gets back or, if not, at least call her to discuss my status. I called GP and the nurse said he will not intervene when there is a specialist involved. I explained that the psych was out of the country, no on-call doc was given and trying to get into a new psych will take months. She basically says thats not the GP's issue- thats the psych's issue and I should take it up with him.

So, here I sit with severe depression eating away at my life bit by bit. Anxiety out of control.. Isolating. Ignoring phone calls and mail. Crying constantly. Racing thoughts. Compulsive behaviors. Suicidal thoughts. And, nobody wants to help.

I did what I was told to do- ask for help- and nobody wants to help. So, I am throwing in the towel. I will just sit here while the darkness consumes me because at least then I'll know that is where I belong.

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Hi Lifeless,

I can totally understand your frustration, I have know idea why it seems that when you need the help and you finally ask for it it seems so far away and out of reach. I don't know why Dr.'s seem to not be in a position when they are in the position. I get it why your GP won't help but I still think it is crappy under the situation. I had a similar experience 2 years ago and it was in my lowest point I feel like so many people where in a position that could have saved these years but because of tecnicalities I had to go through a bit of a mess. Like a he said she said, he can't refer but he can, Dr loop. until I was on a one year wait list :eek: I think I could have screamed in frustration many many times and all that in a total suicidal depressed freaking out state. Still on this day I wonder how on earth a mental health system is to work like that? I guess in a positive thought I got through it, and now I have a reg. Pdoc and a T and in group. I still can't help feeling this is a little past the point. I remember laughing when the Dr asked what brought me there, I said " well 2 years ago befor I completly lost it I thought I needed some help to cope??? now I need alot of help"

Anyways I hope I made you smile, if anything else you are not alone in your challenge but the point is eventually you will get the help you need and when you do it will all come at once and mabe it is just around the corner and not that far away. Either way keep working on it yourself because you yourself will make the biggest gains individually in learning about yourself.

please take care:)

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Guest ASchwartz

Hi Lifeless,

I recently posted an article about coping and not taking things that happen personally. I fully understand your frustration with your GP and with your psychiatrist.

What surprises and disturbs me is that your psychiatrist, who is probably away on vacation, did not leave a "backup psychiatrist" who covers his patients until he gets back. He is supposed to have someone available to cover situations just like the one you are in at the present time.

Are you sure he did not leave either an emergency phone number for himself or for a colleague who you could call and speak to??

1. If it was the receptionist your GP spoke to then you need to call and get the emergency phone number.

2. If you have lost confidence in your psychiatrist or do not want to speak to him for any reason then get a new psychiatrist.

3. Despite what your therapist says I can tell you that it is very difficult to get anyone admitted to the hospital for depression unless there is an immediate threat of suicide. At the hospital they would interview you and make their own decision despite what either your therapist or psychiatrist says.

I would urge you to get a new psychiatist.

If you feel very bad right now, you could go to the hospital emergency room, tell them of your depression and they could prescribe medicine to help you get through. If they think there is a danger of your harming yourself they would admit you.

Do not "throw in the towel." You are just up against things that are not personal: summer vacations, etc. Why not a new psychiatrist??

Allan

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Why not a new psychiatrist??

Allan

If it were only that easy! I have a huge trust issue with doctors. I have had several bad experiences with doctors, including psychiatrists, so just up and going to a new one is not an easy thing. At least one of my hospitalizations was because the doc refused to believe me when I said I was NOT suicidal (and I was not!) Instead, he chose to listen to a statement in a report from EMS that said a co-worker told them I was suicidal, After 9 days inpatient, they figured out I had a psychotic reaction to Ativan but he still stood by his admission and refused to admit I was not suicidal. So, although I readily admit to 2 attempts, my records will forever show 3 attempts. So, now, everyone I deal with gets anxious because my "history" suggests I am at risk of suicide.

It took me some time to find a psych I am comfortable with. So, when this issue arose a couple of months ago, I was completely devastated because I began to wonder if I could trust him? And, if I can't trust him- the doctor I put my trust in for 3 years- who can I trust? It started a spiral for me and made me afraid of what he would do if I tried to talk to him, so I didn't. When I finally got the nerve to discuss the issue with T, she suggested I call the psych. I couldn't do it. SO I called the GP. GP spoke to the psych who assured GP the issue that concerned me was a misunderstanding in his office and was not his doing. GP said psych wanted me to call him. SO, I did. Never got a return call.

Now, nobody wants to help. EVen if there is an oncall doc for the psych, why would I trust him? AT this point, I have no reason to trsut someone new. Plus, if they speak to my T, she will have to tell themn I am having suicidal thoughts and, with my "history" I have no doubt I'd end up back inside. I am quite certain adding a new doc to the mix is the worst thing I could do. They are not going to want the liability of a suicide attempt on their hands so they are going to lock me up until my doc gets back so he can deal with me.

I may not have much of a life left, but I have 2 kids who need to eat and be taken care of everyday. How do I do thatg from the insied?

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It's a terrible bind you find yourself in. You want help, but want it on your own terms. The health care system available to you is not set up to be very flexible, unfortunately. And then there are mistakes that seem to get made. Like with this back and forth between you and the doctor and you are supposed to call him (it's a him right?) but then he doesn't get back to you. That doesn't sound malicious - it sounds like someone who is overwhelmed himself. I end up not returning phone calls sometimes, and it isn't personal - I'm just overwhelmed. And the thing with the doctor being away without backup. That part is frustrating, and a mistake on his part - there should always be available backup.

Since your motivation to avoid going inpatient is stronger than your motivation to get help (if that is the cost), this is very complicated.

I don't think it is quite fair for you to conclude that no one wants to help you. That's not what i'm hearing. What I'm hearing is that it is complicated to help you, in part becuase of the conditions you are putting on the help, and becuase of some mistakes that are occurring (which may be partially explained by the doctors themselves being overwhelmed). Consider that you are highly ambivalent about being seen by the doctors- which makes them have to work extra hard to reach you. What I see is that doctors aren't going the extra mile for you. You could interpret this as saying that they don't care - but only if you feel entitled to care and don't feel that it is important to meet in the middle. I know you have your reasons for holding back and I respect them, but I do think it is also important to own that these reasons are making it harder for the doctors.

As far as being a suicide risk, keep in mind that nobody can read your mind. It doesnt really matter whether you've tried to kill yourself twice or three times - it is still a history of suicidality, and anyone working with you will have to respect (and be concerned about) that history. It is reasonable for a doctor to want to hospitalize you given that history, that you are in a crisis of sorts, and that a medication change is being contemplated. An inpatient unit is a contained place where suicide risks can be managed (imperfectly); many medication changes occur in such contexts.

Where I'm trying to go with this is that I know you are fearful of going inpatient and I get that, and the feeling of not being able to trust doctors who might try to hospitalize you. I get wanting to be able to parent your own children. What I'm also hoping to help you see is that it's not just you who is fearful - it's also the doctors. They don't want to see you become suicidal. My guess is that they do want to help (in the imperfect way that strangers want to help other strangers, and working under the constraints of the responsibility they carry to keep you safe). I imagine that they are frustrated by the way that you are making their job harder by not being compliant.

It's a balancing act that needs to occur. I'm not suggesting that you become compliant - becuase you can only do that right now at the cost of some significant fear and loss of trust - but I do want to encourage you to see this as not simply people who don't care. I think they care enough to help but in the case where you are actively not participating in the structures by which they run their practices, it's really hard and frustrating for them to reach you.

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I can understand your distrust for doctors, especially if you've been burned in the past. I have trouble trusting strangers too. Part of me always feels like I'm going to get hurt by them somehow. But you have to keep telling yourself that not everyone is the same. Just because some doctors hurt you that doesn't mean they all will. Keep trying until you find the right doctor... one who will give you the respect and support that you deserve. Keep in mind that it takes time to develop trust after you've been hurt. Please don't give up. That's the worst thing you can do right now. Keep thinking positively. Tell yourself that eventhough it may appear to be hopeless, it is not. There are good doctors out there. There is medication and therapy to treat depression. There are people on this forum who care and who you can turn to for support.

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This post is the reason I joined the community. I feel as you do about doctors and the mental health provider community in general. I don't feel as though they are trying to "help" and find some of their willful blindness does more harm than good. I hope you can find the help you need and get to a better place. you deserve it.

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Hi Lifeless,

Sorry to hear you're having such a hard time. I'm new to the forum, and can't say that I've had quite the same experiences as you, but I certainly agree with your frustration and I share your perplexity that we live in a time with the technological advances that allow us to communicate remotely/virtually from just about anywhere in the world, but we can't get the help we need when we need it - from folks that have supposedly dedicated their lives to this kind of stuff.

It amazes me that I can be in treatment for clinical depression for years upon years, and yet if I am having a crisis and try to reach my therapist or psychiatrist during "off" hours I get told by their message to call 911 or go to the nearest ER! I am not suicidal, nor violent; frankly, I may not be exhibiting any particularly acute physical symptoms - so what are they going to do for me at the ER? At the same time, my crisis may well be legitimate - downward spirals do start somewhere, and if my not being able to drag myself out of bed in the morning and get to work causes me to become unemployed (thankfully that hasn't happened yet), which would cause me to lose my home, have to declare bankruptcy, and then god knows what else would entail - would I be able to coherently explain myself to my wife? Since she's in school from being laid off, would we even be able to keep on going? I think you see where I'm going with this.

Not that everything necessarily falls apart when a clinically depressed person has a bad day (or week, or month), but it's hard to see how things could possibly improve when the professional support that we rely on for "regular" therapy/med checks, etc., isn't there for us when we have a day/week/month that hits us like a ton of bricks. To Allan and Mark's points, I know everyone has limits and even therapists and doctors are not some kind of supermen that never make mistakes and are always there for us 24/7. Still, my personal opinion is that mental health providers need to find a way to make crisis services available to their patients - patients who don't need an ER but do need help.

I wish I could help you more, but hopefully it will help a little for you to know there are others of us out here going through the same dance, hoping that someday we'll find peace - and in THIS lifetime.

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Hey i just have some insite to add as well.. I just joined this site and posted a few things myself.. i sat here and read what u had posted, and its like wow to me thats the only way i can describe it.. Idk how ur childhood was that might reflect how u feel now, but i know my childhood was a living nightmare.. scared to come home from school due to my moms ex husband punching me in the face and knocking me out again, and just the general fear of my life. that started the day i turned five up until i was 12 when my mom finally had enough and took us to live with her current husband.. on top of that i had to watch my father go to prison due to child molestation.. now imagine going on 12 have news reporters in ur face, and asking u to incriminate ur father.. thats a scare in itself.. What i learned from all of that stuff, is that life is a blessing, no matter how bad things get, which trust me i tried to kill myself plenty of times but didnt seem to work, you shouldnt give up on things that are important to u.. Ur kids are the most important thing in ur life right? trust me i know i have a 2 and half year old daughter and another one on the way.. a boy i might add. So please before u decide to do nething that will scar ur children and people around u for the rest of their lives, think about what is important...

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