Something is brewing...

[Luna-]

I can't work out what's happening, but SOMETHING is. AT LAST I am shifting from the relentless depression, hopelessness and dragging myself around, so I'm not complaining - to me anything is better than that Black, Evil, sonofa-Hound-of-the-Baskervilles. It's been 4 or maybe 5 days.

I am experiencing the following all within a day (changing from hour to hour and sometimes simultaneously): cautious optimism, gloominess, energy, lack of energy, guilt, hopelessness, uselessness, brilliance, great ideas, getting very philosophical, writing a lot (as is, um, evident around here ), lots of anxiety, restlessness, inertia, overwhelm, weepiness, feeling very wise, feeling very stupid, memory glitches, arrogance, getting the feeling that all is right with the world, that I'm in harmony with the universe and understand it all, that things will always be bad and I'm helpless and there are some very idiotic morons in the world, especially where I'm driving. My sleep is messed up. And a few other things besides.

Are you confused yet? 'Cause I sure am! (Linda: my sympathies!!!) It's only been about a week since the pdoc adjusted my meds yet again. I'd phone him, but I know his answer: "It Still Needs More Time"

As I see it, there are 4 possibilities:

1) I'm getting better and the ride is just a little bumpy and will smooth out. (Yes, yes, I want that one!)

2) I'm in a mixed episode (geeeee, ya think?)

3) I'm transitioning towards mania.

4) All of the above, in order of number.

So I'm watching and waiting, wondering where this is going, how soon to call it and pondering what on earth I should put in my mood chart every day. :confused:

"All of the above".

---

Oh, and I'm keeping my sunny side up in here. Yeah, ok, I'm hiding stuff... don't you just love my mask?

[Lindamomof7]

Oh Luna, I do feel for you!!!! Yes that was me I guess it's contageous and I'm sorry I infected you through the computer screen...

All I have to say is UGH!!!!:eek:

Yeah I was like that for a few months though, I know shoot me right yes thats how I felt. I would snuggle up to my husband and he would think hmm ok she's feeling ok and I would say to him, "please, shoot me now" well we all know how that ended....

Well I think what sent me into that really quick mixed rapid rapid cycling was the meds. But talk to your pdoc. ask him whats really going on I know some meds take a while to be effective but I know for my past experience I would have to go into the hospital to start meds because of the LInda side effects I get and seem to reinvent for the pharmacological

industry or I would have to jump right off of them....

Keep me posted and PM me if you want....

[musemuse]

Luna,

I'm hoping that you are in a safe enviornment where you can just ride it out.

This past weekend I was rapid cycling and couldn't do anything. I would go lay down awhile and then get up and make my tags relating to what was going on then. A way of expressing myself. But sometimes, you just have to ride it out and hope and pray because a rest state will come.

And Linda,

I just had someone tell me that her boyfriend actually gave her a gun. Please, please, don't ask your husband to do anything to you again. I understand the mental turmoil that you are experiencing. I go through it to. When I am going through (as I call it), I have to go to God because He is the only one to relieve me. Now, I'm not telling you to go to him, but go to a quiet place and sing or do whatever you, personally, find to be comfortining. Peace does come.

This is a horrible monsterous disease that we have. And it tries to take our life. Don't let it. You have some strength within you. Find that strength and just muddle through, if necessary. However you can get through those moments, do that. No one (family members) appears to understand. Unless a person experiences all the mental anguish, it appears that they don't. But just know within yourself there is a drop of power, and you will some how overcome or obtain the relief that you need to go on a little further in life's journey.

Luna, I didn't start out talking to Linda, but after I read what she said, I had to dwell on it a little bit long.

Good and perfect wishes of peace to both of you,

PS- it takes time for any medication to get into your system to work.

[Luna-]

Thanks so much Linda, yeah I knew you'd know what I was talking about.

Since I wrote the above I've had trembles and that "pit-of-the-stomach feeling of impending doom, but there's nothing to be anxious about". I paced and paced around the house. Then that moved on and I had about 7 notes of some or other tune I don't even know, running over and over and over every 10 seconds for about 2 hours. Not like when you get a tune stuck in your head - this was a compulsive thing I somehow had to keep rerunning. I went out to try to get distracted but it kept running.

Then I started crying before I got home and I'm sitting here still crying. It's still better than being stuck in the pit, but I have that feeling that no matter how much things get better, they always just crash down again in the end. The end always turns out bad. This morning I felt so positive and would never have written this. I would have written that no matter how bad things get, they will always get better again. Where did that optimism go? I was even sending replies here and had some advice to try to help someone - who did I think I was, to know anything that could help anyone else? I'm a fraud.

It's 19:40 and almost time that I can get into bed. I don't even know why I bother to keep to this circadian rhythm routine thing because I always wake up around 2am and can't sleep any more anyway. My life seems so hopeless and wasted.

And don't pay too much attention to all this because it will change before I even get to bed. Hopefully I'll feel a little less like a failure before I fall asleep.

[musemuse]

Luna,

do not loose HOPE

sometimes you have to tell yourself, repeatedly, something positive.

[Lindamomof7]

Hi Thanks Muse, thank you for caring and it's ok that we can make these threads more like a blog entry :)And Luna, hang in there and you know the craziness that goes with this and I am not sure I understand at all why and if this should be happening for the rest of our lives??? In insanity!!!I just came back from my pdoc visit and it is at the hospital I was in, and I saw the many new friends I made and it was so great we had gone through a lot in the 10 days and they are all going home. But, my pdoc and I talked about me going back in and which pdoc would take care of me because he is going to a conference for a week. Nothing like talking about inpatient when you first get out!!! So I am not sure how I feel ... clearly not better and all everyone has to do is look in my eyes and they know...So Luna and muse lets hang in there together

[Luna-]

Oh Luna, I do feel for you!!!! Yes that was me I guess it's contageous and I'm sorry I infected you through the computer screen...

Damn, and there goes that reassurance I give to people! Gives new meaning to the words "you're driving me crazy" ...

Well I think what sent me into that really quick mixed rapid rapid cycling was the meds.

Yes - hence my concern about the Efexor. It looks as if our love affair is drawing to a close.

... my past experience I would have to go into the hospital to start meds because of the Linda side effects I get and seem to reinvent for the pharmacological industry

Your pdoc should really file Adverse Event reports with the pharm company. But it's a LOT of forms and I suspect most pdocs don't.

[Lindamomof7]

Ok Luna, I am going to send you some "feeling good" stuff through the computer screen this time...

I actually feel GOOD today!!! I am calm, level, NOT depressed and finally feel like I can do something that didn't require impulsitivity.... YIPPEE...

So I am sending this to everyone and I hope you can read this and make this a "positive" trigger and maybe it will work !!! I sure hope so... :):

[Luna-]

Hey Linda - THANK YOU. I'm so glad you're having some good feelings. Heaven knows you deserve every moment!

I just came home from working a 27 hour shift taking bloods at a clinical trial (my previous job). Of course it has messed up my body clock, which was already wobbly, and it wasn't a wise thing to do. But I need the money and I get time and a half on weekends and double time on Sundays, so I couldn't pass it up! I'm so tired now, I can't even feel any mood at all.

The consequence is probably going to be that my moods will swing even more over the next few days. But I'm just going to have to work a bit harder at getting back into synch.

I'm doing it again in two weeks time. :eek: Only for the money, I swear!

[Lindamomof7]

oh for sure Luna, but you KNOW what is going to happen so now you can take the appropiraite steps to minimize any surpise events like kids and their schedules, forgetting their lunch, a playdate you forgot etc... make sure all expectations are out on the table, keep your calendar simple, have simple dinners etc... you know the rest Luna....

Is this going to continue or will you be able to get back to normal soon?

Oh and thanks, my husband says I always felt the BEST during my pregnancies and now that I have been on the HRT(hormones) and mimiking pregnacy he has seen the change in me physically and mentally so maybe we are on to something here...