Realized Something

[MCfan1]

I am new to the forums and have been having a tough time with my situation. I'm only 26 but all my life I have always been a confident person, thinking I could overcome anything. I've gotten through some tough things and have kept on going, but I do realize that other people have gone through worse. I grew up in a pretty normal house, I was always much closer to my mother because she is an understanding person than my father who can be cold and has a short temper. When I was younger my self esteem was not the greatest because I was always over weight and through school like this, we all now high school is tough time anyway. But I always had good friends and was active, this always gave me confidence that its not just about looks but that people liked me for me. I was also always shy but I've seemed to grow out of that somewhat as I grew older. I've had girlfriends and always felt that I was giving person who cared about others. In my life I have also had to deal with loss. I lost one aunt who was murdered and another that died of brain aneurysms both passing at young ages. I also lost all of my grandparents and was extremely close to one. After going through all of this and willing myself to get healthy and dropping 120 lbs, graduating from college, getting certified to teach, and working with kids that have behavioral problems for five years I always though that I could handle anything this life threw at me. Well I never thought things could get turned around so fast. As I posted in my introduction I had a run in with an STD scare that turned out to be false, but it scared the hell out of me and that fear lingered. It got to the point where after months I became so worried that my body and couldn't take it anymore and that's when my anxiety started. From there it turned into me being afraid about being anxious for the rest of my life. I don't fear health problems, or sweat the little things but I cannot handle thinking that I am going to be like this forever. I even fear about getting better and my anxiety returning down the road. This is all new to me, I never worried about anything this much in my life. I have started therapy and am on medication to help me but it has been a really tough time. I just don't know what to do, I feel I have to get rid of this but don't know how. I don't know how to stop my automatic negative thoughts about being anxious and worried forever. I know that if I could just stop the thoughts I would feel better. This led me to realize something today. This is the first time in my life that I didn't know how to handle something. I don't know how to fix this problem. When I realized this I broke down and started crying. It was really emotional telling myself this and I don't know why. I'm guessing because I've been use to dealing with my issues on my own and this is the first time I ever needed help. Sorry if the post is a bit long but I needed to get that off my chest. I'm trying my best to stay positive and be patient with this but it is by far the most difficult thing I ever had to deal with. Thanks for listening.

[IrmaJean]

Hi MC1, my name is Beth. It's okay sometimes to need the support of others. I hope that you will be gentle with yourself and allow yourself to receive. All of us have down times and struggles and all of us need one another from time to time. That's just part of being human.

I have suffered with anxiety throughout my life and sometimes still do. I know it can be very stressful. I know that it can feel terrible. It sounds as though you're feeling anxious about potentially becoming anxious. What is it, do you think, about feeling anxious that is so frightening to you? The loss of control? The unknown? Coming to understand the reasons behind your fears may lessen the power those fears have over you. Do you have calming methods? I usually find a place in the dark and listen to my soothing CDs. I try to get away from noise or anything which might stress me further. I watch quiet nature DVDs. I use breathing exercises. I try soothing myself, talking to myself, nurturing myself. What things can you do to calm yourself? You have the ability and the power to regain control over your fears. Try believing in yourself, MC1. I hope you feel better.

[MCfan1]

Thanks for the supportive words Beth! I do have calming techniques that I am working on. My therapist gave me breathing methods to follow and I do use them. I also tried meditating for the first time today and I think it went pretty well. I know my fears sound irrational and I am aware that they are irrational. I mean when you look at it it just looks ridiculous that someone would fear about becoming anxious in the future, especially when the only basis I have for this fear is the anxiety and fear I have experienced these past few months. I think what kills me the most is not knowing how I'm going to feel day to day or even hour to hour. I understand that I have to change the way I think but I always second guess myself. It feels like my brain is a Rubik's cube that someone took and mixed up all the colors. I'm just waiting for the moment that it all clicks and I can put this behind me. I have to keep faith that the day will come and keep working at it.