My Brain

[Calla]

Sorry I am posting so much...but now I've found you all I value your input.

I know the brain is a powerful thing. And mine plays some incredibly cruel tricks on me. Some disturbing stuff. Is this depression? Or some sort of delusions? I know this may be controversial but I just really don't want to take any medication. Are there any other choices?

[musemuse]

Hi Calla,

Do you mean like I was looking at a date, just a few minutes ago (4-18) and I thought I was looking at a date (in my mind) for 3 days from now. It was so confusing to me for the moment/minutes. I thought the date was really saying 5-18. I continued to look at it closer. It took awhile for me to realize that the date I was looking at was actually in April, not May. That type of thing happens to me often, but I don't think about it as my mind playing tricks on me. Is that what you mean for playing tricks on you?

[Calla]

Well, some of it is really dark and awful. Which perhaps is not appropriate to say. But one example and perhaps the most prolific is that my face actually physically changes to me in the mirror depending on what state I am. And I do mean changes quite drastically.

If I am in an "up" mood I am ok with what I see. In a "down" mood and what I see is so horrible I cry. In my more reasonable moments I can see that my vision of myself is affected but that doesn't help in my off times.

There are also times my brain tries to convince me I have actually fainted or fallen asleep and what is happening isn't real.

The list goes on really.

[musemuse]

I'm sorry. I can't explain that. Only, I know that sometimes people can see things the way they want to see them, which totally is not true at all. All I can say for now, since I don't know too much anyway, that perhaps you will get a better stable outlook of yourself, as you grow better and better in actually caring for yourself more and more. I know I'm not all the time a positive person, but I'm learning as I go more acceptance of things. (I hope this is making sense to you because it is what is coming out, the way it is coming out) I do want to you do better and stablize mentally.

I know I don't look all the time like I thought I look. Sometimes, there is a different look about me. and sometimes, ie. like you think you have fainted or fallen asleep -- maybe there are changes going on in your body. Go check with a doctor MD and take blood test, etc . Sometimes, within all of us there are physical changes going on, that are unexplainable, and because we live with depression, we think it is caused by depression, when really it is physical and needs to be checked out. So don't be discouraged yet. Get a physical and while you are there mention these changes to the MD, and see what results from that.

I'm certainly wishing the best.

[Luna-]

Hi Calla

1. Do any of these happen as you're falling asleep or waking up?

2. How much do they interfere with your functioning (going about your life and doing what you have to do)?

[Calla]

This is when I am awake and doing day to day things. The physical thing is an issue which strongly effects my life. I wear glasses that I don't need to hide my eyes a bit. Sometimes wear a baseball cap too on worst days. Find it difficult looking people in the face when they are close in case they recoil.

But then some days I can see no problems there.

The other things are just disturbing. I try to get on with normal life but to be honest it's never really been that normal. I feel like someone is sitting on my head most of the time, making it hard for me to function properly.

Unfortunately speaking to my GP is not really an option for me.

[Calla]

My brain hurts even more today than normal! Proper migraine. That drags me down a bit. It's another chicken and egg thing I think though :confused:

[Calla]

I've also been a member of a dating website. Trying to get myself out and get some human contact. But it's not working very well. I don't think it's fair on someone to have to date me with all my issues. It means a life of loneliness doesn't it?

And it starts of with polite chat but then they ask about my hobbies or social life and I end up getting annoyed because how do you tell someone you don't have any friends and don't really go out?

My brain is very toxic today. Not letting me get up at the moment.

[Luna-]

... It means a life of loneliness doesn't it? ...

I would say this is a faulty conclusion, Calla. Firstly it doesn't have to mean loneliness and secondly not a whole life of loneliness. Know what I mean?

Personally, I've given up (for now, it may change) on dating. I'm also not sure I should 'Inflict" myself on anyone else in that way right now! But there's a lot to be said for friends who can just have me in small doses! It keeps the loneliness from swallowing you up. My therapist reminds me that it's necessary for me to "keep going through the motions" or I fall too easily into depression.

It's nice if they share your interests, even if those interests are pretty dormant right now. If it's birds, a bird club, if it's religion, a church, woodwork, model building, you get the picture. One can generally keep oneself reasonably together for a short while, even if it's 'pretend' and that way you don't have to keep it up too long. Friends are good.

I hope that doesn't sound preachy or as if this is what you should do. It's just a suggestion, really. What do you think?

(PS. I get migraines too, ugh. Fortunately they've got better as I've got older. Growing old isn't all bad.)

[Calla]

Yes I see what you are saying. Unfortunately I don't really have many friends either. I have a couple who I see about once every 3 months. But in an average week I spend most of my time alone. And everytime I step out and make friends something goes wrong (but thats a whole other thread!!)

I'm very lonely but find people hurtful

Plus it's difficult to make friends when you can't look people in the face...they probably think I am up to no good!! :eek:

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Calla,

It is not that your brain is toxic. More, its that you think in sad and negative ways that make you feel worse. One thing you can do is learn how to change your thinking. That way, you would feel more in control. I recommend you take a look at a manual written by Dr. David Burns, called, "The Feeling Good Handbook." It will teach you self help cognitive behavioral psychotherapy.

Allan:)

[Calla]

Thank you, I'll have a look at that. I do feel I have lost control of my mind and thoughts. These horrible things race into my head before I can stop them. So hopefully I can learn some control.

[Calla]

Isn't the world of modern technology an amazing thing!! I've just checked on line and they have that book in the library 5 mins away! So I can pop down tomorrow.