Resentment towards my Mother

[goldenduck]

First of all a little about myself. I'm very timid and shy, I have very few friends because I find it very hard to approach other people as I find anyone I don't know scary. Romatic relationships have been very scarce and I live with my parents and nearly 30.

Basically, I blame my Mother for all the problems I have. My memories of my mother mostly consist of her shouting or criticising me, if she could find something she would use it to critise me. On the other hand if I ever achieve something she very rarely congratulates me. And if I'm feeling down she actually treats me like crap even more than normal.

I think her behavior has had an affect on me. The thing that really makes me angry is that she is ignorant of all this, as far as she is concerned she never did a thing wrong as a parent. As an adult she still treats me like crap, just an hour ago I closed a door and got yelled at for closing it too hard.

It really hurts me when she does this, I think it's because when she does it all of a sudden the memories of how she treated me as a child surfaces. I've tried telling her how I feel very hurt by her actions but she still carries on treating me however she pleases with no regard for my feelings.

As well as having psychological problems I'm trying to deal (which I undoubtedly have my Mother to thank for) with it's not helpful having to constantly battle with these painful emotions as well. I'm thinking I could tell my Mum how I feel about everything, tell her how much of a bad parent she was and how her treatment of me turned me into what I am today. I don't know if it would do anything for me, maybe it would just make things worse.

All I know is, I can't cope with how I'm being treated. I feel so angry and depressed that my Mother carries on acting this way and doesn't even know/care how much harm she did/is doing. I feel like there's no way out and I don't know what to do.

[Luna-]

I'm sorry if I am missing information or background to this - but have you considered moving out...?

[confuzzed]

Hey goldenduck

I can really identify with your plight. I think if I hadn't gotten married I'd probably still be at home too....

My mother had run my life for virtually all of it up until just a few years ago (I'm 50). My husband didn't and still doesn't appreciate it and tells me so. I finally had to tell my mother that look mom, you always said xxx yyy zzz to me and it made me feel like mmm nnn ooo and when I was growing up you said/did blah blah blah. Of course she denied it and said she didn't do that, but I told her yes she did and I was not going to respond to her like she was trying to make me respond to her any more. As a result I do things in my life now that I would have never done before. When she makes any comments about whatever I'm doing my response is "I'm not you, and this is what I'm going to do" implying that she can go pound salt over it.

Don't get me wrong, I love my mom and would do almost anything I can for her, but she is, was, and will always be one of those "toxic" people in my life. I have finally learned not to talk to her every day (I know that's not easy living in the same house with someone) and when I do I try my best not to give her anything to try and turn around on me.

Luna is right - have you considered moving out? If you can't make it on your own maybe you could find a roommate. Where I live there are roommate match services, but being that I've not used one I'm not sure how they work. If you go to church maybe that's a place to look.

Hugs to you, and take care.

[goldenduck]

I'm sorry if I am missing information or background to this - but have you considered moving out...?

Luna is right - have you considered moving out? If you can't make it on your own maybe you could find a roommate. Where I live there are roommate match services, but being that I've not used one I'm not sure how they work. If you go to church maybe that's a place to look.

I have thought a lot about moving out but the main reason why I haven't is that moving out would increase my expenses 10 fold, my Mum actually lets me live her almost rent free so whenever I consider it it seems financial foolish. I could just about afford to move out and live on my own.

I guess I just need to make a decision of whether I want to live a financial problem or an emotional one.

[musemuse]

Hi Goldenduck,

Mothers! They really can be something else. My mother yelled at times, to us too.

May I ask if you have sisters and brothers at home? What exactly is your situation in relation to your mother?

All this would be helpful in having some insite to your problem.

I say this because since I've gotten older, I know that I disliked about her chastisements, it was for a reason. Those were her teaching in the way a child should grow; eventually, giving of right and wrong, or what is good for me or bad for me. There was no reason, at the time. Nevertheless, it was for me, when I get to this point (a point of understanding).

I am a mother now and I can look at both side, through both points of view. The word

blame

is assigning control for your problems to your mother. My question is how can that be? Evidently, she is not a bad mother and has love for you. She lets you stay there without payment rent. So, to me, that is a good start.

What kind of problems do you have?

Do tell me about your mother and yourself and other people around you, if you would like to help get to the bottom of your problems.

[goldenduck]

Hi Goldenduck,

Mothers! They really can be something else. My mother yelled at times, to us too.

May I ask if you have sisters and brothers at home? What exactly is your situation in relation to your mother?

All this would be helpful in having some insite to your problem.

I say this because since I've gotten older, I know that I disliked about her chastisements, it was for a reason. Those were her teaching in the way a child should grow; eventually, giving of right and wrong, or what is good for me or bad for me. There was no reason, at the time. Nevertheless, it was for me, when I get to this point (a point of understanding).

I am a mother now and I can look at both side, through both points of view. The word is assigning control for your problems to your mother. My question is how can that be? Evidently, she is not a bad mother and has love for you. She lets you stay there without payment rent. So, to me, that is a good start.

What kind of problems do you have?

Do tell me about your mother and yourself and other people around you, if you would like to help get to the bottom of your problems.

musemuse,

I know all mother's yell at their kids and that's nothing unusual or wrong in itself. But please don't assume your situation is the same as mine and that you can see my or my Mother's point of view when you know very little about my situation.

Here's an example of memories I have from childhood.

1. When I did something my Mother didn't like she wouldn't give me a lift to school but she would give my sister a lift - this was fair enough. But when my sister did something she didn't like she would give neither my sister OR me a lift to school.

2. Or there was the time when I had important maths and graphic design coursework to give in the next day which counted towards 50% of my final school grade. Despite this my Mother decided it was more important that I go out with them for a family meal than spend my time finishing my coursework since the table was already booked.

3. Then there was the time I was walking home with friends from primary school and my Mother was waiting outside to pick me up for a dentist appointment. My friends didn't see her and carried on walking, I walked with them to tell them where I was going and my mother thought it was a great idea to grab me by the arm and hit me in front of my friends causing me huge embarrassment.

Intentional or not, how are any of these things her, as you say, teaching me to grow rather than teaching me that my feelings are unimportant and that I'm for some reason unliked by her? Because that's how she made me feel.

To answer your question, why my mother is to blame for my problems. Most of my problems are social ones (e.g. lack of relationships with other people) because I'm very scared and avoidant of others. This is the result of a personality disorder (which I've been diagnosed with) which is almost definitely related to the relationship with my parents. So, that is why I blame my mother for most of my problems.

Yes, she does let me live here (almost, not completely) rent free. I don't doubt that she loves me when she provides me with accommodation and food for a small price. But I think there's more to being a good parent than providing tangible things.

[malign]

Here's the thing, though, 'duck: muse didn't assume the situations are the same. She said her mother yelled, asked you a couple of questions, described her own growing up, and then the fact that she's a mother herself now.

At the end, she made a point that the act of blame keeps you fixated on the trauma. It does. Granted that your mother's behavior sounds out of line, the question is what to do with it now. You could go through the rest of your life, if you wanted, justifiably mulling over how you were mistreated, but never changing your reactions to that mistreatment. Or, you could accept that she wasn't much of a mother, but that wasting the time on blame is just getting in the way of you growing into the person you want to be, the one she wasn't able to help form.

[goldenduck]

Malign, I think you're right, that I shouldn't be wasting time on resentment towards my mother. The thing is it's easier said than done.

My situation is, I still live with her and she treats me now, as an adult as she when when I was a child with zero consideration for my feelings. I'd love more than anything to let go of these resentful feelings but it's hard when the person that caused me so much pain is around me most of the time and often treating me like crap, reminding me of why I felt so resentful.

My parents went on holiday last week and it felt like more of a holiday for me. It just felt so peaceful without having someone finding faults in me or micromanaging me constantly. The morning after they got back my Mum told me how much of a miserable person I was (I was feeling down in the dumps for an unrelated reason at the time).

The obvious idea is to just move out. I have enough money to rent as long as I remain employed (I have enough savings to keep me going for 12 months if I did lose my job) but all my friends say I shouldn't rent because that's "dead money" and instead I should stay at home and save money until I can buy my own place. Looking at my savings I may be able do this if I saved for 1-2 years. But I don't know if I want (or even cope with) to live like this for that long.

There doesn't seem an easy answer, whenever I consider moving out the two ideas are there. I guess I'd just like to be told it's OK to rent a place in my circumstances.

[confuzzed]

Hey duck,

Maybe one of your friends (or even two or three) would like to get together with you and rent a place. That would certainly lower your housing expenses.

Granted, living with others isn't always easy and roommates can be difficult, but it might be a better situation than being at home with mom.

confuzzed

[goldenduck]

That would be ideal but I really don't know anyone that is looking for a place. Most friends at work are settled down with their own house. That being said, that's probably the best possible solution, reasonable cheap whilst getting me out my parents house, I'll keep my eyes open at the very least in case anything comes up.

[malign]

Well, my question, 'duck, is whose permission do you need?

Is suffering through continued abuse (yeah, it sounds like abuse to me) worth the money? Were you planning on being rich? ;-)

Maybe the friends who advised you to stay will offer to trade places. :-)