Is This Worth Saving?

[misrbl1]

Some of you may recognize my sad tale from the thread over on the New Members' forum, but I figured why not start something over here. Seeing as though it's been posted somewhere else, I won't go into the whole backstory. Let me just sum it up.

At a New Year's Eve party thrown by a friend, my wife decides she's going to let me sleep with a friend of ours. Not long after that, she joined me in doing it again. This happened several more times, and at some point, the Other Woman and I fell in love. My wife has controlled every aspect of my life since the day we got engaged. She's been abusive towards me with a hair-trigger temper, and bullying me around emotionally, saying that I didn't love her if something didn't go exactly her way. I'm a very passive person, always backing down and caving in to her, and I didn't know I deserved better. Or maybe I didn't know "better" was out there, or would be the least bit interested in me.

Anyway, my wife got tired of sharing me with the Other Woman, and forced me to break it off with her, after she brought my brother and mouthy, meddling sister-in-law into it. The one shot I had at happiness, ripped away from me, that is until Wifey decided she missed Other Woman just as much as I did. The three of us ended right back up in bed together a few days later. But it didn't last. My feelings for OW continued to grow stronger, and my wife's posessiveness and jealousy continued to do the same. Around St. Patty's Day, we had to run home to visit my Grandpa who was not doing well. We were going to go out, and Wifey was actually happy that we wouldn't be going out, just because OW would have been there.

Fast forward to the present day. I had gathered the strength to tell my wife that I was leaving her. I came around to the house to gather my things, and while Wifey pulls a knife from the kitchen and starts cutting on her wrist. I still cared for her, and didn't want her to do it. So I stayed home. We talked all night and I told her there some things that had to change. She agreed to be less selfish. I agreed to break up with OW. Her end of the deal was broken by the next night. She wanted to go out because "she gets bored being cooped up in the house all day" (not that you could tell she's been there by the way the house looks.). Her, her, her, she, she, she. I didn't want to go out, but I caved in like I always do, and had a miserable time. She gets mad at me for treating her badly for forcing me to go somewhere I didn't even want to go in the first place.

I had a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach about the way things went down the night I broke it off with OW. So I shot her a text message from my newly-changed cell phone number. Wifey didn't want anyone to know she basically railroaded me into staying. OW has said she would wait for me, but I know she can't wait forever. Nor would I want to her to. She'd be wasting her chance to find someone who could make her happy as she made me. Because as bad as things are with Wifey, I'm never going to have the stones to try leaving again. Not knowing that if I do she's as good as dead. Is there anyone out there who has any idea how I can make this better?

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Msbrl1,

In my therapeutic experience open marriages mostly end in failure. What seems "fun" at the start, ends with just the type of jealousy you mention.

However, it sounds to me as if, maybe, your wife has some emotional problems??

Allan

[misrbl1]

She's had a lot of stuff happen to her for sure. An ex-boyfriend tried to kill her, she lost her daughter because she can't control her temper. She was on anti-depressants for a long time after that. Her home life growing up was unstable to say the least. After her folks split, her mom married and divorced two more times, then stole one of her boyfriends. Things between them have smoothed over pretty much, though they still scrap once in a while.

My parents split when I was 2, so I really don't have much in the way of memory what it was like. I was raised in my grandparents house with the steady influence of lots of people around. So I really have no idea what she went through, and what if any bearing it has on what she's putting me through now.

I'm not saying I'm blameless either. I was the one that texted OW after being forbidden to do so. I'm the one that's kept it going in secret after Wifey said to let it die. She doesn't realize by doing all of this, she's just making OW look that much better by comparison.

[misrbl1]

OW got a bit of bad news Monday. One of her best friends passed on. This was a genuinely good guy who never had anything bad to say about anyone. She headed to the karaoke bar to lift a toast and sing a song or two in memoriam, when one of Wifey's loudmouth bitch friends started in with her. To make matters worse, Wifey was going right along with her. After a night where they forced OW outside to cry I don't know how many times, Wifey and I went home. I woke up furious with her, and I made no bones about letting her know it. She got mad at me for being mad at her for behaving like a subhuman.

She told someone I'm sure she knew would tell OW about tentative plans she has to move us back home, away from the big city. More specifically, away from OW. The lease is up in 6 months, and I'm not really sure I want to go back with her.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Msbrl1,

Yes, you and your wife have had a boat load of problems starting with childhood. Perhaps that is why you are with each other? What I mean is that, as much as the two of you fight and have problems with each other, there is a common type of history and, therefore, a certain type of mutual understanding that keeps the two of you together regardless of how tough it gets.

What do you think?

Allan

[misrbl1]

We have a son that's going to be 10 at the end of the month. He has a lot of physical problems, and needs a lot of attention. There's a lot of equipment, some of which his mother doesn't know how to run. So he's the main reason I decided to stay this long. Well, that and the threat of suicide last month.

There isn't a modecum of understanding in that woman's body. If there were, she wouldn't constantly put what she wants ahead of what I'm feeling. She makes me go out to places where she knows damn well we're going to see OW to rub salt in the wound for both of us. Her behavior, as talked about in my last post proved that point to me. She doesn't care about anything but getting her way. She's constantly hounding me, trying to find out if I've talked to OW during the course of the day, going through my phone, checking my e-mail. And of course the guilt games are still going on. "Why don't you just go see ****? I'm sure THAT would make you happy, wouldn't it?" Shut up.

Should I really continue to put up with this? Sure there's a lot of history with Wifey, but it's been a history filled with emotional abuse, physical abuse (her to me), constantly having to bail her and her family and friends out of financial trouble, to the point it's put us into it a few times, and most recently blackmail. Call it whatever you want, if I had left she would be dead. If I leave again, she will be dead, and I'd have to carry that around forever.

Instead, I get to carry around this deep-seeded resentment towards her for taking the chance OW and I had to be happy, and setting it on fire. By constantly taunting us the way she does when we see OW out, she dancing around the bonfire, and pissing on the ashes.

[JustTrying]

There comes a time when you have to do what you have to do.... I do want to tell you that she is just bluffing and won't kill herself,,,, but it sounds like it to me. I understand your fear of that. You do not want to feel responsible.... BUT is she not slowly killing you?

JT

[David O]

Good morning Msbrl1,

What a painful, discouraging and tough place to be, I’m so sorry you’re involved in such a pattern of emotionally destructive relationships—and there seems to be no escape. I have several very disjointed thoughts (I apologize for how this will come out) here b/c the issue seems highly complex and potentially lethal. I also will not be able to touch on everything, hopefully others will chime in and add their views.

First of all, there is nothing you can do, as you know, to change your wife, but there are several things you can do (not all at once of course, but over time and at your pace) for yourself, and the first thing is to take perspective of your situation: What does your wife bring to the relationship that adds value to your life? The other woman? Answering these may greatly help you decipher what you should be focusing on and open you up for the final part of this response, which I’ll write in after you’ve written back to tell us about this. Here, it would be best to do a list of pro’s and con’s for each relationship, and for the Ménage à trois.

The 2nd thing is that you are 100% responsible for what is and has occurred… as is your wife, she too is 100% responsible (there is a difference between being responsible and being at fault). Look very carefully at your role here: What did/did not do or have you done/not done to cause harm to the marriage, or to have it go in this direction? In the process of looking at this, I would look at smoothing the waters, essentially, at leveling the field a little so that you can better manage it, and this you can start by making a very difficult choice. Allan wisely pointed this out—open marriages very rarely work as one member begins to feel jealous and left out, or wants to control the situation in order to remain in charge—you may have to make a choice between both women (there doesn’t seem to be an escape from this).

Thirdly, it seems that there may be some mental illness here that remains unrecognized, undiagnosed or untreated. This illness is wreaking havoc on your marriage and in your life. As Allan said, you remain together for a reason; however, this reason may very well be an extremely toxic poison to everyone involved. The childhood issues seem to play a role here with both of you, but primarily with her, and until she is able to work thru some of this, your marriage may continue to be toxic, even if you decide to leave the other woman. My 1st wife of 18 years had Bipolar Disorder and one of the issues we struggled with were her affairs while in her manic phase—they did great damage to our marriage (and of course, I was of little help in my immaturity) and it wasn’t until she was in treatment that we could establish some normalcy, but it was too late by then.

Fourthly, the other woman always looks better than the current one… every day is Christmas when your involved with someone else you don’t have to live with. It might be good to step back some and figure this out one step at a time, starting with focusing on what you want to do with your marriage—by the way, what do you want to do with it?

Fifthly, how does your son's illness play int all of this? Does it necessitate that you remain together or can it be managed another way? If it requires that you stay married, then we may be able to help you develop some ways to live together w/o the constant pain and toxic communication.

Finally, I never take a threat of self harm or to commit suicide as a bluff… I’ve lost 7 clients to suicide in my life, most of them were bluffing! Most suicides are unintentional and result from an unintended behavior that was meant to garner attention to the pain of a situation. JT's comment about: "Is she killing you" is very insightful and wise-- something to think about.

Msbrl1, my apologies for this being so long, and I especially want to apologize if I seem a bit blunt and callous sounding, this is not my intent at all. I feel great compassion and even greater understanding for you--- and your situation and at times a very direct approach jolts a person, it sort of startles them from their slumber of patterned thinking and forces them to think differently or more intensely at a situation but with new eyes.

Good luck and I hope this helps.

Compassionately,

David

[David O]

One final thought--- If your best friend approached you with these issues, what would be your very best advice?

[misrbl1]

I know we both entered into this, so we're both responsible for the way things have turned out. Nobody put a gun to either one of our heads and forced us.

There was some mental illness when we first got married. She was on anti-depressants, going through a custody thing with her daughter's dad, which she ultimately ended up losing. Once I entered the picture, she stopped the medicines cold turkey.

As far as our son goes, there is a lot that he needs. He's on all kinds of meds. There are pices of equipment that he uses to eat and help support his breathing, some of which Wifey doesn't know how to use.

She IS killing me, a little bit at a time, laying on the guilt, asking questions she doesn't really want to hear the answers to. There are times I despise her.

[David O]

God morning Misrbl1,

Thank you for responding, I was beginning to wonder if we had lost you. It seems your upset, so much so that much of what you are seeing is about how she has failed or is difficult, which is very understandable. In my divorce >10 years ago now, my 1st year was spent seeing how my ex-wife's affairs had destroyed our marriage, how her Bipolar Disorder had wreaked havoc on it, how her mother couldn't stand that her daughter would have married a minority when she could have married Steve the Harvard lawyer, of Pete the surgeon... but certainly not a minority!:eek:

What I failed to see was my contributions, my insensitivities, meanness, lack of understanding, anger control issues... well, the list is endless. I sense that you may be where I was then in terms of your feelings and beliefs towards and about her.

I was hoping you would return to my initial questions and try to answer them carefully, in this way we can be of greatest support, encouragement and be best able to offer you our best wisdom and experience.

In understanding,

David

[misrbl1]

Well, my eye has been known to wander from time to time, but as far as anything physical goes, this was the first time. I've heard from a couple of people that she had been planning to let this happen for a while. Sort of like a test. Which I guess by doing it, I failed, despite having her "go ahead". If the possiblity hadn't been presented, there's no way I would have done it.

I'm doing this at work, so it looks like I'm going to have to this in little bits.

[misrbl1]

Our son's illness plays a big part in why I've stayed this long. With all of his needs, his mother would be completely overwhelmed without me there. When she gets overwhelmed she gets angry, and without me there to take it out on, who would that leave? There are times, this is awful to say, but sometimes I thank God that he is the way he is. Because if he was up and around and into things, he would have been taken from us a long time ago because of her temper. That's why she doesn't have her daughter anymore.

OW would be able to learn to do the things necessary to take care of him while I or his nurses aren't there. Things that his mother has been unable or unwilling to learn. And again, no temper issues to worry about.

Last Tuesday, something as simple as a feeding tube needing changed flipped her into a frenzy. She was calling my job, frantic, because she couldn't get it in. I came home, and had it done in two minutes. I can't leave him alone in that situation. She's said if I leave, she'll take him and run. I know she has no legal recourse for doing that, but I don't think it matters to her.

[misrbl1]

Looks like I finally have a free minute or two here. So let's a trip back in time to where all of my issues with my wife really started. While we were still engaged, there was a friend of hers. Complete subhuman, would bone anything that moved. We used to make a habit of going to a bar downtown. While they were dancing, he touched her in a manner that a guy has no business touching an engaged woman. She came back down and sat with me, casually letting me know what happened like it was no big deal. I was furious. It turns out, not only had he touched her, she touched him back "in retaliation". This was only one of several instances of "Bobby just being Bobby.", and every time he did it, I was told to just forget it. She tried to drag me into a foursome with this creep and a lady friend of hers, using the words "once won't hurt." Needless to say, that didn't happen.

Fast forward a few months to the wedding. Everything went smoothly, except stupid me, wanting to stay with tradition, said we needed to sleep at different houses the night before, and not see each other until the ceremony. The following Monday, she told me she let one of the guys at the house she was staying at talk her into "one last fling." I don't know how far things got, because she's told me three different versions of the story since then. What I do know is after our son was born, the guy was saying to his wife how much my boy looked like his daughter.

I wouldn't think of ever finding out for sure though. That boy has been the center of my world since the day he got here. He's been the only reason I've stayed with his mother as long as I have. I'm the only daddy he has ever known, so to put myself through the rigors of finding out wouldn't be worth it. Besides which, testing would cost money I don't have.

I forgave her that, but I didn't forget it. Those who forget history are destined to relive it.

Once we moved up here to Columbus, things took a serious turn for the crappy. She developed a tumor in her ovary, which had gotten so big it spread all the way across to the other side. It required a complete hysterectome to get it out. I had lost my job, so we were without insurance. We're still not out from under the stack of bills that heaped onto us. Now there's no chance for any more kids. She did her rehab at a nursing home, which she also fought me tooth and nail about going to, and was able to come home.

Right about then was the first time OW came into my life. She was seeing a friend of ours, so he introduced her to everyone. and I didn't think anything of it. Then he dumped her, and the three of us became good friends. We were there for her every time she got stood up by someone that was supposed to meet her at the karaoke venues. We just kept getting closer and closer, until the New Year's party, and we all know what happened then.

[misrbl1]

Ripped Directly from the pages of my blog:

Over the last week, things have gotten downright weird for me. Wifey has not only started talking to OW again, but added her to her Facebook friends. We just went out last night, and while things aren't the same as they were when the three of us were "an item", it felt good to have both my girls with me. Wifey seems to understand that OW and I still love each other very much, now I'm just waiting to find out if she's playing an angle. I don't know if she saw how miserable I was not being able to see OW all the time, or she's just being nice to her for my sake.

While we were out, all of the things that I love about OW shone through brighter than ever. Her singing voice, those beautiful big brown eyes, that gorgeous smile. But for a few minutes, I saw the old Wifey. There was a little bit of understanding in a chat we had outside. She understood that OW and I still love each other, and acknowledged that, were I trying to get over her (which I'm not.), it would take some time to do.

Last night left me with more questions than answers, that's for sure. Are there more good times ahead for us? Is Wifey just riding an "up time" in whatever's going on in that head of hers? And what's going to happen when she comes back down? But for one night, I was able to say, "Never mind answering questions, let's just sing."

[misrbl1]

All the happy horse shit you see above? Scratch it! Wifey is starting to wear everyone's last nerve. Her best friend even told OW that she hopes she and I end up together, just because Wifey is making everyone aorund her so miserable. My mind has been made up for some time, I just need to know how to do it. Is there anyone out there that has been "the controllee" in a relationship like this? If so how did you find the strength to "nut up" and say "I'm done"?

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Mis,

The answer to your question is to enter psychotherapy and learn how to say, "enough." It is not just with "wifey" you need to say "enough" with but you need to learn to be stronger with everyone.

Allan:)

[misrbl1]

She demanded i give her back my wedding ring the other day. Now she keeps asking me if I want it back. And if I don't, then why not? I really don't want to talk about this with her anymore. If we were to split, our son would probably end up with me, due to her health issues, as would the dogs. I know that would kill her. I don't want to be an asshole about this. But do I need to be to get away?

[misrbl1]

We went to a Black Crowes concert last night. The show was great, but I just kept wishing it was OW on my arm and not Wifey. Our anniversary is coming up, and she's got all kinds of plans, but I don't feel like celebrating. The other day she came right out and told me, "You're mine, and she is never going to have you." Should I be worried??