rosco Posted June 25, 2010 Report Share Posted June 25, 2010 I'm new to this site so please allow me the indulgence of a cut n paste from new members siteHi there,I'm new to this website and to this forum so helloBack in 1990 I was studying and attempting to come up with a correction for the GPS signal as it went through the ionosphere (Aurora or Northern Lights - refracts the signal).It was pretty high end maths / physics and in association with my Tai Chi studies I thought I had developed into some sort of modern day prophet (I also thought I had inadvertently started WWIII - having submitted my thesis which told 'how to pinpoint bombs' using GPS signal - this was at the height of the first 'Gulf war').My local Doctor informed me on the Saturday morning that 'come Monday I would be entering a psychiatric institution'. I was terrified of being put into an institution where my 'message' would be forever lost. On the Sunday night I ran through the night - going towards I don't know where / what??? I ultimately became so terrified that I thought all of the lights (all electrical devices) were in communication with the police so that my location may be disclosed and I would be 'found'. (My ability to stop WWIII would be nullified by this occurrence also).Sadly in my own terror I began to believe even the people whom I'd infrequently come across were also electronic and 'linked-in' to the 'system' designed to put me away. Eventually I did (most unfortunately) become violent towards an innocent and was apprehended by the police - I had cut my arms to shreds trying to break a glass door to open it. This so I could gain access to get the key to the car in the driveway to go to 'somewhere' more urgently.The ride in the police car was my own 'hell' that I thought I was to endure for all eternity... I ended up where I needed to be... in the scary / unfamiliar confines of a psychiatric ward.That was twenty years ago... at the time I was diagnosed with schizophrenia (I gave my 'journal' over to the Doctors which saw a pretty quick diagnoses able to be made) later changed to schizo affective disorder as my moods were noticed to 'swing' independently of any psychotic symptoms.My mother suffered terribly from a Mental Illness when I was a child until she committed suicide when I was about 8 years old. (I had had the great misfortune of finding her - but I've always known she is with me). So I guess I was genetically predisposed to develop a psychotic mental illness at some stage - it kicked in towards the end of my studies when I was 23.Since then my life course has altered dramatically from where I thought it was going.I've experienced being the Devil, a philosopher (with no philosophy), an ancient Chinese martial arts Master, GOD, the Christ and even a werewolf in delusional times.I've experienced hearing voices (intensely / inescapably at times) but always found that if I could learn the name of a particular protagonist then I could tell them by name to "shut-up" (which worked!).I've experienced incoming 'stimuli' (which both answered & suggested Questions) to the point of me being an over stimulated, non-communicative catatonic.I've experienced seemingly endless years during which my every single (even most intimate) thoughts have been 'broadcast' to any and all within vocal range. A terrible condition which saw me lose trust in even my most loved friends and family members... very hard to come to terms with and in fact I don't think you can come to terms with that 'loss of trust' when experiencing thought broadcasting.Seemingly endless inferences from the radio or television designed to not only tease me but also to direct my thoughts into areas where they would normally go (provoking massive instability during the years of 'thought broadcasting').The radio and the TV were kept 'off' for a period of approximately 3 years. Unfortunately this just created a super-sensitive, over-empathic sense of being, in which, the 'bad news' really hurt me.A never ending, life-long, series of flowing events (some call it synchronicity others' coincidences).I've been into psych' ward more times than I can possibly count and I've honestly lost count of the number of 'involuntary' hospitalizations I've had. But if I had to guess I would say somewhere between 15 & 20 times.In Australia 'involuntary hospitalization' means that generally between 2 and 8 police detain you (wherever you may be) in conjunction with a 'CAT team' (CAT = Crisis Assessment Team - supposedly with a specialist member who can assess your psychiatric standing at the time) and take you in the back of a police van to psych' ward - It is a very scary, but sometimes necessary, process. We are lucky in Australia to be this advanced and I recognise this fact.I've escaped from psych' ward more times than I could ever know (sometimes in a 'black-out') and have either willingly returned to be re-admitted or again, with the police.I've been in the 'locked ward' probably 10 - 15 times and put into 'solitary' at least the same amount of times in the twenty years.Through all of it I have never been violent towards anyone - except for the first time... it took me years of guilt and GOD's help to eventually forgive myself for this (but I can never forget what I did).I say all of this not for any boasting purposes but just to introduce myself without any reserve... because all of this is a part of who I am.On a positive note in the twenty years since my first episode I've completed my degree studies, worked as a surveyors' assistant for about 5 years, completed training in 'outdoor education' and worked as an educator with groups of 12 - 15 youth in the 'wilderness' for up to ten days at a time (for about 3 years). I've learnt Gumatj - Yolngu Matha (an aboriginal language of remote Arnhem Land, Northern Territory) and lived with my 'adopted' aboriginal family for about 3 years. I lived a reasonably traditional lifestyle within all indigenous law and cultural traditions.Now I find myself on the Pension (again) and seeking employment back in the State I grew up in - Victoria. Someone asked me "Where are you from?" about 2 weeks ago and I had no idea how to appropriately (truthfully) answer them. The only answer that is true is 'Gondwana' - ancient Australia according to the separation of countries via the tectonic plate movement theory... But you can't say that...?Ever since I can remember the second question I've always been asked in Western Society (after clarifying your name) is "So what do you do?" (in terms of work) and my answer has consistently been the only truthful one at the time... which for the majority of the time has been "well actually I'm on a pension because I've got schizophrenia". The resultant behaviour from the person asking has generally been either a stunned look (then walk away) or the 1 in 20 (or so) that would then ask "So what does that mean?"So I've never shied away from the truth (much to the disappointment of a lot of my friends / acquaintances).As a result of my openness about my condition I've also done a bit of consumer advocacy work - giving speeches (or informal talks) and radio, TV interviews (very irregular and infrequent). Along with being a part of a DVD (a valuable resource) 'introducing psychosis' to an audience through the peak consumer body 'SANE Australia'.I've had the same psychiatrist since the early days of diagnoses and she is just brilliant!!! (Except for the period when I was living in Arnhem Land, NT).I've seen so many different convolutions of medication regimes over my years.Initially being in bed for 23 hours a day (getting up for the one hour only so I could pretend I'd been up all day, say "yes I've been for a walk" and to share the evening meal with my ever caring father) for the entire first year.Some med's worked for a while but my 'illness' always seemed to have a metamorphic ability... changing into something else and 'overcome' the treatment.Some med's have induced seizures, others have seen massive weight gain (got up to 160kg at one stage) one even made my tongue swell up so that it was nigh on impossible to breath until I had some injection.I've tried altered realities through marijuana, speed, cocaine and particularly alcohol. None of which worked but actually sent me 'backwards' into 'bad' realities - except for alcohol which worked to subdue symptoms for a lot of years (with terrible side-effects on my general health).After living traditionally with my aboriginal family for 3 years I just can't face alcohol any more. Aboriginal Australia is an ancient yet very sophisticated society.I love life with a passion and I'm here until the end.I've been stable on my current medication regime for nearly 12 months now and I've never felt fitter and more 'myself' for as long as I can remember. It's basically the same med's (in different proportions) that I've known for about 8 years.So that's me... the me that no one really wants to talk about anyway... still trying to figure out where I 'fit in'. Especially after 3 years living in aboriginal Australia... giving me new and different perspectives on an unfamiliar Western Society.If I had a mantra it would be "Live it, Love it and KISS it all" (KISS = Keep it Simple because i'm Stupid) which is as it may be - there's no need to over complicate, dissect or be 'knowledgeable' for me any more.We are at a great point in Mental Health in Australia with a youth psychiatrist - Professor Patrick McGorry - being named 'Australian of the year 2010'.Who knows what the future holds... but I wanna be here to find out (with a glimmer of hope).God Bless and so life goes on. anyways I look forward to be a contributing member here - oh & thanks for reading my post (if you took the time to read it all )Live it, Love it & KISS it all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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