Damn the tortillos, Full steam ahead!

[xaq75]

'ello everyone

Recently my eating has really gotten out of control and now I seem to be compelled to consume about 3000-4000 calories a day for 3-4 days of the week. I feel terrible, ugly, angry, anxious and trapped. I think I'm an emotional eater and usually decide 'to hell with it' late at night or in the early hours and fix myself a huge meal of around 1000-1500 calories. I know it's wrong but i feel lonely to the point of that strange stirring sensation inside my head. It's really unpleasant.

I'm trying to cycle as much as possible without wearing anything out. I currently weight about 130kgs (290lbs).

[mscat]

It seems to me like you have a very good idea as to why your overeating. You mentioned the calories too, and are aware of just how much food intake your recieving.

that is very difficult to eat for emotional reasons. Maybe you could distract yourself and try to go for a walk or something. I don't know if it is sweets you like, but, sometimes it is easier not to have them in the house.

My son is heavy, and so am I. I have been Anorexic and Bulimic at one time of my life, now it is opposite. My son eats too much junk food all at once, and it makes me mad because i put snacks in his lunch. He does this more when bored .

I know how you feel and it is not easy.

[Mark]

Xaq,

What is it that you'd like to accomplish? I'm guessing that you want to get your eating under control, but really it isn't clear from your post. It could be read as that you are kinda proud of all that eating. I'm not trying to be flip - there really does seem to my mind to be a little pride in what you've written even as their is also clearly some uncomfortableness with the out-of-controlness of it.

I'm going to recommend that you listen to our recent podcast interview with Dr. Judith Beck, who takes a cognitive therapy approach to weight loss. Part of the approach she recommends is learning how to identify the incorrect inaccurate thoughts that accompany your binge cycles. Dr. Beck's approach is probably not going to be sufficient just listenening to what she has to say or reading her book, but I do think it will be useful knowledge to listen/read. I think she is onto something.

You might also read over our weight loss topic article, which has a lot to say on the matter of safe weight loss, as well as our eating disorder article concerning binge eating.

If you are serious about wanting to get your eating under control, I'd say that you need to subscribe to some sort of program like weight watchers which can provide you with external support and structure to get your eating under control. Clearly, you are not willing or able at this moment in time to bring it under control internally.

Becuase you are binge eating and because you relate the eating to loneliness, it is more complicated than just learning how to structure your eating and deal with hunger pain. I think some kind of psychotherapy format where you can talk about what is bothering you and work on remediating some of the lonliness is in order too. The treatment of binge eating is a subspecialty within therapists who treat eating disorders, so you'd be best off connecting with a therapist who actually specializes in the treatment of binge eating.

Mark

[Natalie]

Hi Xaq75-

Forgive me if I am confusing you with someone else, but I think I remember that you were waiting to get started with a psychotherapist. Is that the case? If so, how is that going? If so, can you work on some of the reasons that you overeat with that therapist?

FYI- I think the title of your thread would make a great book title!!!!

[xaq75]

Hiya

Lots of Thanks for your posts mscat, Mark and Natalie, you've all given me something to think about over a punnet of Strawberries.

your right mscat, I've given this problem a lot of thought and have bought a book called Breaking free from emotional eating by Geneen Roth, I'm getting through it. You've mentioned your anorexia and bulemia, do you feel that food has been a kind of relationship in your life? I use it for warmth and company, I was wondering if this sounds familier to you?

Mark I think I would like to have more relationships in my life. I've noticed that when I get a sense of intimacy from someone I don't feel like overeating for a day or two. The other week I was embraced by someone and I felt very different from my usual self in that I wasn't so self-centred, felt more centred and didn't feel like binging. I'm intrigued by your suggestion that I feel pride in the overeating or at least the declaration of it. Considering how well equipped I am with knowledge over this problem there is definately a motivation to abuse myself via 'calorie poisoning', that I'm doing it deliberatly. I shouldn't have said it was 'out-of-control' ... perhaps thats why I chose the 'Damn the Torpedo' title. I need to confront my motivations and be honest with myslef and others about them. Thanks Mark, that was a good suggestion, I didn't link that before. I've got my eye on a local Obsessvie Overeaters group too, I definetly need actual world external help other than reading. Having said that I will absorb the material you've reffered to in your post, I've just recently started to explore the rest of this site and been listening to the podcasts and essays. You have a great voice BTW, very reassuring.

Natalie you have a good memory, I was reffered to a CBT centre by my Doctor but, after consultation, have been redirected to a Psychotherapy Clinic and am currently waiting to hear from them. There is a waiting list. I'm in the UK and although everyone has access to mental health services, this means there will be a wait. But I think this will give me time to prepare for it and get to know better what to expect and how to use it effectively, perhaps compile a list or two. I've already listened to the podcast on transference from this site and it was very soothing to me as I have a degree of paranoia due to my immaturity and self-centred lifestlye. I'll be lapping up a lot of info from this site over the next few months but I must remember not to get technically preoccupied with my therapist, I have a tendency to neglect my feelings. LOL, you liked the title? Use it! I'll buy a copy ... I hope you'll consider doing a podcast too, they add so much depth to this project.

Later

[mscat]

Hi,

I don't feel as much like I have a relationship with food as much as I had when I was active in my Eating disorder. I now just eat when hungry. However, i will overeat if the food is something I love. And i don't worry about how much I eat either..

The Bulimia was a bad cycle. I did lose a ton of weight which in turn Made me look like a walking skeloton. I maintained 87lbs at 5'4 1/2 for a long time. Then went further down to 75 lbs. I can now say it was gross. It was not pretty, and i was very disgusting.

I recieved treatment for the ED, but got out, and lost all the weight again. Then I started to Cycle everywhere. i put on Muscle weight, and was able to maintain 92lbs. still thin, but niot dangerously thin.

i got pregnant in 1993 , and had to decide to take better care of myself, for the baby. My weight went up to 160 lbs. By then the focus was all on my baby and i did not care anymore about my weight.

In the last 15 yrs. I believe i gained 70-75 MORE LBS. AND still tell myself that it does not matter.

I've been extremely bone thin, and extremely heavy. that is just me though. There's no in between.

[xaq75]

thanks mscat

I've found that when i have others to focus on in my life, similar to you with the baby, that my relationship with food becomes way more 'functional'. It's a shame how one problem can lead to another as we seek to 'regulate' our feelings.

Good choice of exercise BTW

[Mark]

It's a shame how one problem can lead to another as we seek to 'regulate' our feelings.

There are many people out there who swing between relative extremes in life, and some of that behavior is trying to regulate moods. Some people are perfectionistic, meaning that they have this impossible ideal in their head of how they should be which makes them feel pain when they realize they cannot meet it, and their efforts at eating disorders and the like are in part an expression of trying to close that impossible-to-close gap. For other people, they seem to have been born such that they never feel stimulated enough, and they spend their lives seeking sources of stimulation from the environment, by doing daredevil things that make them feel more alive. Other people do extreme things (such as self-injury) because they feel numb. Really, there are lots of reasons, but many of them do boil down to trying to regulate one's self.

There are heathier ways of doing this regulation, and less healthy ways. Self-injury is not terribly healthy, and neither are bulimic or anorexic strategies. Exercise can be healthy, but not if you take it to an extreme. Meditation can be wonderful, but it is terribly hard to engage for many restless people. Part of the trick is to decide that you want to be doing things that are healthy (that is hard in of itself - and much easier for people who fundamentally don't like themselves when they are doing something to help someone else), and then enlist the aid of someone external to you with good judgement who will prompt you to not overdo the healthy stuff, and to not revert to the less healthy stuff. Some people pay personal trainers, coaches or therapists to take on this role, but it can also be filled by a friend.