the most free I've ever felt

[nathan]

So I was visting a group of friends I used to know at a hotel the other day. When I got there we started drinking then went out for dinner, came back and drank some more. I was a little drunk but not overly so.

The girl I used to have a soft spot for was getting all close to me and leading me on, like she always did before. But whenever I reciprcate back she always steps back and leaves me hanging. She probably enjoys doing this. So when she came up close to me the other night I was making fun of her in how she always invades peoples personal space when she drinks. I just didnt want her leading me on again, so I rejected all advances.

anyways, there were seven of us in one room, someone else took my bed, and she lied down right before me, and the only spot left was right beside her. I did not want to be beside her. Then she gives me some puppy dog eyes, and I fall for it. Long story short she kept doing things to lead me on and I finally just kissed her becuase she obviously seemed to want it. She kissed back for a minute, then told me to stop and started getting all anxious, and she even started shaking.... obviously I stopped, but I was pissed becuase I don't know wtf she wants from me. The shaking scared the crap out of me. I asked her what she wanted from me, and she just turned around and told me to go to sleep. wtf??

Sorry this is long, that was just the prelude to the night.

So I couldnt go to sleep at this point and I step out of the room and go down to the lobby floor. Still pretty drunk. My mind goes in to some kind of messed up state. I felt completely dead inside, and in my deadness I felt free to do anything or something like that. All fears and anxiety didn't matter, and I felt the strongest urge to be with people. So I start talking to everyone in the lobby. Everyone. I went from person to person. When someone had to leave I got up and talked to the next. I seemed like I saw people in a completely different way. It's like I snorted some oxycodone, but I didn't. It was euphoric to an extreme.

I started downing cofee to stay awake and the feeling got stronger. It felt unbelievably freeing. Like I was ahead of everyone else on the floor. like I had some kind of understanding that no one else did. I couldnt be alone when there were so many people around to talk with. I didn't no wtf was up with me, I smoked a pack in like 3 hours. I knew I was wired, but I was enjoying it too much to stop. I talked to a police officer women. I hate police officers, but somehow it didnt matter then. I talked to doctors, and salesmen. I talk to a whole range of people. I could see them in a completely different way, I could see their personalities. I could see their limitations and strengths.

It was the most free I've ever felt. It was impulsive. I think impulses fulfill your subconcious needs. thoughts ignore them. I think it was complete relief from all anxiety. I took a few days to completely rub of too. But now I'm back to normal, my body is a cage again. I have no interest in things. I was obvioulsy manic or something, but I wish I could have taste of that more often. my life would be better.

[nathan]

can't think of anything, I don't know what triggered it. It was like my ego was dead. Nothing could hurt me. I was full of energy, but it almost felt like I was being pulled away from the world or "reality" or whatever it is that makes us feel at least somewhat grounded here, and I needed people to be with to stop me from being thrown away. that was the underlying feeling, but on the surface I was just enjoying people.

thats sounds a lot like being drugged, but I don't see how I could have been. I don't know what triggered it. I mean I have experinced that sort of feeling being pulled away before on a couple of occasions, namely when I'm high, but its never been accompanied with that sort of fearless need to be with people. I also wasn't high.